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THE FIFTEEN MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELORS IN THE FACULTY – ASUU STRIKE EDITION

Pause! If you are a Law student, at this moment two things are certain:

1) You are wondering if the Faculty of Law is truly on strike along with the University of Lagos.

2) You are consumed with one of three things…  65percent attendance, sarahah.com or Law Dinner, if not all three.

Which brings us to this article that you will spend the next fifteen minutes to carefully read, and then proceed to let your feelings known in the comments section.

What you need to know beforehand is, this list was extensively and thoroughly researched (cos you’re paying us salary yeah?), and it is almost absolutely free of all possible bias. Almost!

This yearly list is one of the few things more anxiously anticipated than the next Game of  Thrones episode in the Faculty of Law and on this wet, calm, striking day in August 2017, we present those we see fit as the Faculty’s best.

If you are of the opinion that your name should be on this list…sorry about that. Kindly send us an email of complaint stating your objections and reasons you should be included to lssnerd@gmail.com. 

Everyone else please relax, grab a bottle of that 100naira scam sold by Cocacola, read, enjoy, comment and share.

Without further fuss, from the Year one class and going up, we present…
SOGO GBARADA – Class of ’21

 

Not sure if the right word here  is ‘nerd’  or  ‘weird’.   Sogo  is a different kind of nerd…too weird, even for nerd standards. This should tell the single ladies and other cougars in the house something. If his height manages NOT to intimidate you, and his equally weird music taste is something you can live with (plus, you manage to bypass competition that rhymes with  Joke ), you’re good to go.


OLUWASEUN FADIPE – Class of ’20

Seun is (un)arguably one of his class’ finest. Seun is 6ft tall, quite buff and a beginning but proud member of le Beard Gang! This dark young man has a very tight clique of friends, and he just so happens to be permanently single (along with the entire clique apparently). So be careful ladies, you know what they say about guys in cliques yeah?


ADEBAMIDE AYENI – Class of ’20

Now, this beau has truly got it all. From the looks, to the walk and the talk. The boy is not just fine, he actually has sense too. This is a rarity for most of them, all subs intended. He’s a DJ and actually has legit gigs to his name.

Ps – he rocks a mean flower crown Snapchat filter. And yes, he’s single. So jump in if you dare.
ROBERT ODU – Class of ’19

The Sport god. Hot, super sexy, athletic Robert with the body you just want to…And that smile. It can safely be said that Robert is currently the best sportsman in the Faculty. This dude equally blazed a path into the hearts of the ladies.

Caveat: dating status? Unknown.

Ps – Robert if you ever stumble on this, do all the females a favor, never wear long sleeves to class.
POJU – Class of ’19

The Gentle Giant. Last name unknown. Poju is always around to help. Tall, dark, cute, deep voiced, buff…Poju is ALWAYS around to help. A very reliable guy and good graphic designer that keeps to his close circle of friends and minds his business. Y’all really need to see this boy in jeans, thank god he never wears black and white.
LENNY – Class of ’19

Lenny is a cute, lightskinned, nerd glasses, white chocolate looking member of the class of ’19. Lenny, a defender for his class football team, has an attitude and swagger to still make good boys look super boring. He is famous for his attitude on the pitch. #RedCardGang.


POLOORE JAYEOBA – Class of ’18

Now, this is the one your parents warned you about. The one with the disarming smile and accent from heaven and dayuuum! there’s just something about those eyes.

Caveat: this brother allegedly has a long rap sheet, and he’s on a streak. Just like James Bond,  he only wants the flesh, nothing more. This boxed up omo pastor can smooth talk you into eating the forbidden fruit, if care is not taken. But then, some of you want that particular fruit so…
IFEOLUWA KOLAWOLE – Class of ’18

This guy is so under the radar that not many people notice his beauty. He sings and lord! does he sing well. He’s fine, his skin glows…but before we get further distracted, the main point is that he’s single. We rest our case.
MICHAEL FALEYE – Class of ’18

Mr Senate President. Black boy of the Federal Republic of the LSS. Michael is finer than a summer day and has a smile that opens up the taps. Rumor has it that what this guy lacks in height, he fully makes up for in…other areas. His ‘ashewo mode’ seems to have been activated this year as he’s allegedly putting girls in body bags left, right and center. Mikollo as he is fondly called is a member of his class football team. Wait member? Lol yes, member.


UTHMAN ABDULLAH – Class of ’18

Uthman is no doubt a handsomely moulded work of art. Looks? Height? He’s got it all. Although his afro is definitely what stands him out the most. That thing costs a fortune to maintain. Apparently, he possesses a dark side too as we hear he has a roster of his ‘dealings’. He does not need your love, just you. He is also definitely on the market, so why not just trap him at the Law Dinner with that extra cleavage revealing outfit?


VICTORY ABANG – Class of ’17

What is a bachelor’s list without this fine male specimen? Tall, light skinned, great hairline, no potbelly…the fulfilment of every girl’s dreams. Abang is a former HOC of the Justice Kayode-Eso Chambers. Ladies please be careful around him, lest a particular female feel threatened. You have been warned.
YOMI OGUNDARE – Class of ’17

Or  Rolake as he is fondly called, whichever you prefer. Sweet, sensitive, kind, easy on the eyes…Yomi! Don’t let your eyes linger too long though, unless you believe that having a girlfriend is no barrier to true love. In which case you have our best wishes.
ILEMOBADE OLATERU-OLAGBEGI – Class of ’17

The name speaks for itself, need we say more? President of the Maritime Forum, University of Lagos, focused, hardworking and with two very cute dimples. We are certain you are not the only one with a crush on this guy, we love him too. He just might be perfect.
RAHMAN APALARA – Class of ’17

Rahman of the Mooting Society. Rahman with the nerdy glasses. Rahman with the looks and intellect of Sheldon Cooper. This bright, confident, soft spoken young man is the future. So ladies, now is the time to start planning your future kids. Wouldn’t you want a Rahmy junior running about in a couple of years?
BAFEWA SANNI – Class of ’17

Bafewa Sanni has probably made every eligible bachelors list since he entered the Faculty. Bafewa Sanni will probably make every eligible bachelors list until he retires. Tall, fine, tall, dark skinned, tall, rich, tall, model, tall! Bafewa is always served hot and ready to go. So ladies, if you think you’ve got the appetite for this spicy dish, Please shoot your shot. Time is not on your side.

🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

So there you have it folks, our ASUU strike edition of the Eligible Bachelors list. And ladies, the very dope part is, we have it on good authority that majority of these fine ass gentlemen will be at the Law Dinner tomorrow. Therefore, the only relevant question now is… where will you be?

#EligibleBachelors2017

#LawDinner2017

#FashionPoliceTomorrow

#etcetera


Published by Great Opara,

For the Lss Blog.

 

 
6 Comments

Posted by on August 17, 2017 in From Us

 

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ELECTION SERIES – VOX POPULI: WHO THE CAP FITS

Hello beautiful people of the prestigious faculty of law. How y’all doing? It’s that time of the year again. Yep. The time one knows the other’s ‘true colour.’ The time friends become ‘slys’ or ‘slies’ whichever way it’s spelt. The time bcs of all sorts roll in; head bursting bcs that will make you wonder what you’re even doing with your life (“see what my mates are doing”). The time dirty linens are washed in public; that thing about someone you never esperred will just spring out from somewhere or nowhere because he/she is contesting for a particular post and y’all do not want him/her to win. So y’all play dirty politics. It’s the faculty elections. Different people have declared their intentions to contest for (and win) various executive positions in the LSS. They have all drafted beautiful plans that will be executed (if they do win). Plans like… well, come for the Manifesto at the Law Annex on Tuesday the 8th of August, 2017.

This post echoes your opinions of the students of the faculty, who they do want to fill the vacuum (oh okay it’s not empty) of the seat of the LSS President. This is basically a vox pop on who y’all think the cap fits. A specific number of students were sampled from each class and this is what y’all had to say:

Alliyu Faruq. I believe he has more charisma and a better sense of responsibility.” –El chapo.

Boye. I do not know why sha. I just feel like he really wants to serve and he has been serving since like day one. And he has convinced me. I know what he is capable of. I just feel like he is the right man for the job. I do not really know what the other guy is up to and I feel like Boye seems quite independent. He is the man behind his vision. But this other guy I just feel like he has some people that are pushing him. That is my opinion o. He does not look like someone that has his own stand. He looks like someone that people are just telling what to do. Boye seems more on his own. He has his own plans. He is already even trying to push the other candidates, telling them that they should be ready to work if they win. And I can see the drive and energy. He is mobile and he has been trying for these people since year one.” –Dapo.

I don’t even know who to support. Maybe after the manifesto.” -Yinka.

Faruq. He has a lot to offer. His intentions are in line with the pressing issues of the LSS.” -Cendy.

Boye. Because I like him more than I like Faruq.  –Tron.

Both of them do not have sense. Can another person just run? It would have been better if another person should just run. They are both flawed, so we are just trying to pick the most un-flawed. It’s just like, which one is not as rotten as the other? They are both rotten eggs. It is like picking between HIV and Ebola. You have no choice you have to pick one. You’ll still die; you just have to pick the one that does not kill faster.” -Devil’s advocate.

Faruq. I believe in his plans and manner of approach.” -LSS best player

“I am not really interested because I am not feeling any of them. So when manifesto comes, I’ll decide. But right now, I really do not know. –Funmi.

Alliyu Faruq. Because he does not undermine his opponent to boost himself in campaigns, and he has really good plans for the LSS.” –Unscripted writer.

Definitely rebirth. Everyone is definitely alive; don’t tell us to come alive. But what will be reborn out of the ashes we find ourselves in presently. So I’m for rebirth. I’m for Boye.” -The Joker.

As much as I am not really impressed by the two candidates that are coming from class of ’18, I feel Boye is somebody that is a goal getter, and therefore would not be influenced by the people around him. I also feel he knows a lot of important people, and that will help in pooling resources together. I like the fact that he is radical, and the best president LSS has had is Cornel because of how radical he was. Apparently, I am on Faruq’s campaign group chat. I just agreed because I didn’t want him to waste my time convincing me, because I know he couldn’t.” –Princewill.

I would prefer Alliyu Faruq, even though his campaign and socialization shit is nothing to write home about. My preference for Alliyu is due to his personality presentability, his responsibility and no image tarnishing report so far.” –J.

Faruq. His plans  are achievable within the 10 months he has in office and he has what it takes to fare well.” –Conte.

I’ll go for rebirth because I want a president and not some presidents.” –A.

Alliyu Faruq. He has good and practical plans for the LSS.” –John.

Alliyu Faruq. Going by his pedigree and past feats, he has shown and proven to be a reliable and intuitive leader. His blueprint for his Presidentil race is in itself the most feasible and achievable and not some blue sky thinking and ideas of the other quarters.” –Achebe.

THE ABOVE RESPONSES WERE POSTED EXACTLY AS RECEIVED.

Feel free to drop comments
Taiwo Famakinde,

For the Lss Blog

 
2 Comments

Posted by on August 7, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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ELECTION SERIES: THE ADO OF THE LSS PRESIDENTIAL RACE

​”It is during elections that strangers suddenly start getting all familiar”-Anon.

  Hi there, it’s Ignis. I’m here to talk to you about the upcoming LSS Presidential elections. I’m sure we’ve all seen BCs and been approached either by the men in black themselves, or their proxy campaigners. Well, honestly don’t see why all this fuss. I mean, in this recession, someone will spend money doing banner for election he might probably not win. Hian. Anyways, I guess the courage to even come out to contest should be applauded. I mean, we all know how hard it is, to stand in front of a law crowd and declare your intention to do anything. So, well done, I guess. But, ehm, why exactly are these guys interested in occupying that presidential seat I wonder? Do they really intend to make good on their “plans” and “dreams” for the LSS?…. ..of course we know that’s all sweet talking. 

   Let’s talk about the candidates shall we? On the one hand, we’ve got a man who’s served in the Justice Kayode Eso Student Chambers, the Association of Muslim Law Students, The Tax Club, The Law Society Trust Fund Committee, and Faculty of Law Electoral Committee, and who thinks that this qualifies him to make the LSS alive again. Low key, this guy just called us all dead guys. Moving on, I heard someone say that this candidate has that communicative and oratory advantage, and he probably hopes to use that at the manifesto to convince the lot of you. But then, Hilary Clinton possessed this too, and she was floored in a landslide loss of votes. I have learnt that the presidential baton doesn’t always fall in the orator’s hand, and a man of words is not necessarily a man of the people- matter of fact, a man of words is to be feared. So, the fact that this man seems to be talking up and down doesn’t guarantee anything. We know people would say anything in a campaign. And might I add, it is one thing to be alive and another thing to be alive and well. Well, I don’t quite have much of a backstory on this guy and I think that tells you something. But a certain president won the seat without even serving in any faculty capacity, so maybe he just might win the seat. I just hope that whatever happens at the end of it all, this our guy makes it out alive. Win or no win. 

   Now let’s talk about the one who’s been relatively quite quiet as per campaigning, leaving us all in suspenseful anticipation of what his plans might be. Now, we know that when it comes to politics, this guy, no, man (he’s not your mate oh) has got (a non academic equivalent of) a PhD. He’s used to winning with landslides and sometimes not even being opposed. He’s been repping his class for as long a time as time itself and this seems to be sufficient to say that a person with such acumen as this would be able to serve in a capacity such as the office of the LSS President, but then,…..elections will not be one on what “seems” but on what “is“. And do you know what this man is? He is ambitious (however quietly so), more so to graduate as the president of the faculty than to graduate. This is someone who won’t take a “no” and this poses both advantages and disadvantages, but that’ll not be my business. He is someone who, though isn’t as “out there” as his rival, has the backing of some of the powers that be because he’s known to be quite friendly with the influencers of affairs of the faculty. He’s not someone who needs twelve different BCs, or who needs to talk much, in fact, he doesn’t want to talk, because he’s doing some underground paroles that y’all are oblivious to. He has been working smart more than he has been working hard. He has the backing of all the class reps from bottom to top and by extension, the majority support in the faculty. But, I’ll have you know that “support” and “backing” does not in political dictionaries, translate to “votes“. A classic example is when some of your parents supported a certain presidential candidate in the US last November, but could not, and did not vote. Anyways, I’m not here to campaign on anyone’s behalf, nor am I here to ruin someone’s campaign. This is only an analysis.

  I will leave you with this: A poor beggar at the road side, or a lunatic displaying lunacy, is obviously very much alive, and breathing air. But would you call that much of a life? And by the way, there was a rebirth from PDP to APC, but, any #change?? You and I know the answer to that.

    By the way, you Nigerians that are shouting “Neymar this, Neymar that”, shey you know he doesn’t care, and he just got richer. You’re here taking surgery for someone’s injury. Hian.
Mayowa Akinyemi,

For the Lss Blog

 
1 Comment

Posted by on August 7, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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A SMOKY TALE

I am dozing on my bed this hot afternoon,halfway to the land of sleep, when I hear one of the cleaners yell. She has a loud speaking voice normally but her yells,my goodness,are of the earsplitting sort.

I turn to the other side of my bed and wonder who or what wants to cause this hearing loss for all of us.

She yells again and I decipher the word she is yelling.

She is yelling:”Baba!”

Now, I’m wondering who this Baba is and why his name is being yelled.

She yells again in Yoruba that he shouldn’t kill us.

At this stage,I’m wondering fuzzily, if I remembered to lock the door after my roomie left.

There is a bout of silence and I heave a sigh of relief. I turn again and continue my nap.

Then she continues,screaming at the unseen Baba,asking him if he wants to ruin people’s clothes.

That gets my attention and I open my eyes,fully alert.

Today is Saturday and the clothing lines in the backyard are full of clothes in varying colours and sizes spread out or hung up.

I happen to be one of the people whose clothing is spread out on that line by the dint of hard work,being that I woke up early,8am precisely( Yes. 8am on a Saturday is early for me), to wash and spread them.

She yells again and I sit up fuzzily.

As I rub my bleary eyes ,I smell the smoke.Warning bells go off in my head.

The man who has a plot at the back of our building farms it and occasionally he indulges in bush burning to our detriment.

I mean,isn’t bush burning in residential areas illegal? If it isn’t,it should be.Without any apology to his neighbours too!

I peep out my window and see the spirals of smoke and ashes descending upon the backyard and our hard washed clothes.All traces of sleep vanish from my eyes instantly.

I hear doors opening and people shouting in outrage at the sight of the unwelcome smoke spiraling over the fence.

The cleaner is still yelling and cursing as she packs away the clothes she spread out this morning. She has a murderous glare on her face as she stuffs the clothes into a large basin.

She keeps on cursing as the smoke spirals down. 

I feel the tickle of laughter in my throat and am tempted to laugh. I really am.That is, until I realize I have clothes outside too.

Snapping back to attention,I put on my slippers to go and rescue my clothes,before they start smelling like those of  an “asun” seller.( Not that they smell particularly unpleasant or anything)

Like grasscutters being smoked out of their lair ,we rush out with one quest in mind: rescue your clothes.
Written by Miracle Eme

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2017 in Literature/Writing

 

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AISHA BALA: A DAY IN LAGOS

Burr! Burr! Brrrm!!

 My ungodly alarm would have continued to beep if I hadn’t reached across for my phone. My iPhone 7, the pride and joy of my current single to stupor status. I live in a generation where you had to show your married peers that you had the capacity to take care of yourself and buy the best things for yourself in your singledom. The phone, my best companion, was the result of a sacrifice of six months of saving.

 Dear diary,

I hate my job!

 I hate that despicable place I go to from Monday to Friday and spend 9am-5pm of my life at. I love the pay though, it’s decent. I also love the environ, it has a great snapchat geo-filter but I would literally vomit on Jide ( official title “Mr Williams”) if he dares tell me to “take a spin in my skirt for daddy”. He keeps repeating orders like that sort all day, dishing comments like “ Aisha , (after I stopped him from calling me baby girl) you are serving serious looks in that skirt but can you wear anything underneath considering how tight it is”…YUCK!!

I know what you are thinking right, report to H.R … but I’m not ready to live with the stigma and victimization of taking down the great jide Williams. The worst case scenario is to now end up on one rabid online platform like Instablog Naija. Please, how is my condition worse than women who are being beaten daily by their spouse, and haven’t reported? I live in a generation where silence is indeed a golden virtue. 

7:45 AM.

I got to work, switched on the television and tuned into a campaign speech Hillary Clinton was delivering. I wondered why a woman wanted so much power. I like her honestly. She was breaking moulds and barriers for women in this century. Times I came across women like her, Mrs Obama and Sarah Paulin, I always understand the difference between being in power and being in position. Whilst my country’s first ladies have assumed the role of trophy wives to be seen and not to be heard and currently play the roles of NGO’s in their various states, one can only draw strength from women that show how wrong the role of women as second class citizens in Nigeria is a fundamental flaw.

12:30pm 

I fly out the door to start my break, I honestly cannot resist going through my instagram feed. I stare at my best friend’s post like a mute dummy for close to five minutes. It was Monday and of course Michael was her #MCM. But all I could see was a Monster Crush Monday. I felt bile rise to my throat as a picture of Jennifer’s face flashed in my mind the last time his fists visited her face. He beats her blue black at the slightest provocation. I knew she endured his verbal abuse whilst they were dating but like all vain humans, the prospect of a bellanaija wedding and a fairy tale life style sucked out all her remaining sense. The last time I asked her why she wasn’t ready to live, she said she would rather end up as a post on blogs than be single at 30 like me. I wasn’t dumb enough to not take a hint. She has indeed made her bed and is ready to lay there with the thorns.

 

3:30pm.

These thoughts run through my head as I run out the door of Jide Williams & Associates and I know that’s my last day in this building. I walk to my car, but unfortunately I couldn’t avoid stumbling in the physical and in my mind.

Aisha please I need you in my office right now

Yes sir” … I wonder what he wants now.

Shut the door behind.”

He looked frantic and more agitated than usual. He gets up from behind the table and walks towards me. He tries to grab me but everything goes downhill from there. I beat him mercilessly. Oga did not know I had a military dad. 

I picked myself up, walked to my car and dialled my brother’s line. Now here’s the deal with Umar (my brother). He is a handsome young and intelligent lawyer, that would have probably had more money than he would need in one life time if the girls he went after knew the difference between ‘boyfriend’ and ‘daddy’.

“I need weaves”

“Change my phone”

“Charge my uber to your account”

All I see out with my darling brother are the proverbial Naira diggers , with no future ambition, girls who were raised with the mentality that it’s okay to be a liability to your man and he’s to provide all your needs. Well all I remember is, God told Eve – you are to be the help –mate. That is, the man does the work but you help out also. I just pray these girls remove their hooks from Umar. I had a long talk with him and he assured me that the lawsuit I have against jide would be worth the stress. 

I drive out of that parking garage with the mind-set that although I was raised by a 20th century woman who believed that silence is golden, I am a 21st century woman and I shall be heard, my voice shall break barriers, stereotypes and most importantly, would be recorded in the books of history because society should brace up for me for like a wrecking ball, “Aisha was indeed coming “.
Written by Dolapo Omotoso

 
 

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CHRONICLES OF THE ILLEGALLY LEGAL S2E7

This week and indeed, this entire year has been filled with little…joys which have reinforced my views that maybe, just maybe, life should not be taken so seriously. And even if you wanna take life in general seriously, do not take life in Nigeria seriously otherwise you’ll just run mad. Not the play-play type of madness either, but the starkravingnolucidmomentstearingyourclothesandbarking type of madness.

See the thing is, Nigeria really isn’t ready to let you be great. It’s not as if the country doesn’t want you to be great o (deep down, I’m sure it means well) but it cannot just let you go on and just…flourish. Ahn Ahn! Just like that? Are you playing? Your mates that are suffering first and running mad or killing themselves, do they have two heads?

I’m trying not to rant. I believe ranting about the state of affairs in our beloved nation is something that is done only by people who’ll get into power and do much worse. Case in point: APC. Thus, I do not rant. Never! Except I’ll be paid though. Amean, if you’re ready to pay me big money to rant about the Nigerian situation, I assure you that the article I’ll write will rival any PhD thesis ever written. Therefore, I cannot promise that if I do eventually get into power I’ll be a much better leader, just because I did not rant. Maybe bad leadership and corruption is simply in our blood, the same way it’s in our blood to begin events 3hours after the stated time, or to finish clearing all the food in the plate before eating the meat. No! What I can promise, however, is that y’all will never forget my name.  Never ever. Whether for bad or good.

For the thousandth time in less than a week UBA just debited my account for some obscure charge. And some people will wonder why they’re not prospering in this life. You’re charging me for card maintenance, the same card I’m holding in my hand? The few times I get a credit alert, these pipu will not inform me until days later, but let money just mistakenly leave my account and they’ll be texting me like we’re in a sexual relationship sigh. I’m tired. But I cannot die.

The Faculty of Law, in it’s divinity and infinite wisdom, has decided to enforce the class attendance they’ve been compiling since the semester commenced. This means that if it is not documented that you attended a certain percentage of classes, you will be unable to sit for exams and like film trick your extra year will just come and be sharing squatting space with you. Ah! Even as everyone likes to talk about how having an extra year is not the end of the world and other bs, the simple truth is that, with the type of parents I have, an extra year just might mean the end of my own world, and I’m sure majority of you share this particular sentiment. I might not be much of praying person, but one little…prayer I mutter every once in a while is that the god I serve should not let me spend an extra second in the University of Lagos, talk less of a full year. You see after four long years, I’m simply tired of the nation’s pride. So I’m ready to leave, and to accomplish this I’m doing every thing necessary including attending classes where I might not necessarily learn anything. Before, as a very wise man once said, I’ll goan make mistake nw and won to gba penalty lo throw-in. I’m tired. But I cannot die.

As I leave the…comfort of my room and ac and step out into the world, the jungle that is Ransome-Kuti rushes to embrace me. A couple of feet away, the people of the area are engaged in a very riveting and combative smoking competition. The persons in first and second place are locked in fierce battle for who will be crowned the new Father of Dragons. It’s a pity that I shall miss the rest of the festivities, as I am running late. It’s a bigger pity that Unilag management is not a witness to these celebrations. The talents of a child might not lie in books and other academic activities, but give that same child a blunt and watch him (or her, cos there are many her’s too thankfully) light up with passion and glorious ecstasy. These people are manifesting their own brand of education yet, there’s no one present to offer scholarships and other incentives for intellectual prowess. It’s sad really.

After entering a cab that was probably around during the time of the great Egyptian Pharaohs, I finally arrive at my destination: the Law  Library. Do not be deceived or dismayed though. I, along with at least half the people here on this cold, wet morning, am not here to read. I’m here simply cos for some reason, my bastard network  Glo is incredibly fast in this place. Like, you have the entire world to choose from to give me super fast browsing, and you decide to do it in a place that’s underground. Under the bloody ground. I cannot even begin to fathom the madness of it all so I’ll just move on, before I break my promise and start to rant. Others, like me, are here for diverse and even unexpected purposes. Some are here to drop pant between the shelves and as far as I’m concerned, if you are not here to read and you’re not taking off your underwear either, then why are you here please? You could have just stayed in your room and deceived yourself there mtcheeew.

As I walk to my designated seat, I am reminded again of one good thing this Faculty has to offer: fine girls. Babes. Girls of all ages, types, specifications, beliefs and fetishes. My good god! Certain humans hot enough to leave you actually confused. I have a feeling these people are part of the reason the number of individuals having extra year has increased, not just in the Faculty but in the entire school. People just do not wanna graduate and leave these girls alone, and can you blame them? Who no like better thing? I sit down, and the person beside me welcomes me with a mammy water type smile. I do not know this chick from Adam, but I’m sure even Adam wouldn’t leave this Eve without attempting to seize and….I’ve run out of rhyming words, but I’m sure you get the point.

Thirty minutes into my Library adventure, mammy water smile and I have scheduled a date where we can talk and explore each other’s…minds thoroughly. I do not think I’ve ever wanted to explore a person’s mind the way I crave to explore hers. But moving on. My phone vibrates long and continuously and I turn to check it, expecting that the loml is blowing up my phone with texts and inappropriate pictures. What I see instead is the same 5 bcs spread across 17 WhatsApp group chats and 10 Personal chats. I fume. I vex. I am irritated. I am tired. But I cannot die. Even if these people seem ready to die and carry certain others with them, me, I cannot die. Not on top LSS elections. Apparently, the date is fast approaching and people are getting desperate. But, if it’s BC  that pipu use to win elections ehn, all these ones are already winners in the Lord. Someone is ready to run mad because of a position that, after all the lies you tell us, you probably still won’t do any better than your predecessor, neither shall your name be remembered ten minutes after you’re done sigh. I want to rant. But seeing as no one has transferred dollars into my account, I shall postpone my rant until you people are ready to pay.

I’m suddenly craving corn, be it boiled or roasted. And I’m not the type of person to deny my body anything it needs. Especially food. And the…other thing too. But mostly food. That’s probably the first thing anyone should know about me. If you want my heart, just provide me with constant good food. In fact, after money and just before knowledge and women, good food is a necessary ingredient in my psychological make up. I bid a hearty farewell to mammy water smile and leave the Library to goan begin my corn hunt. 

I almost make it. Almost. I go outside and I am accosted by the real life election campaign team. It seems they have decided to physically manifest the bcs they’ve been disturbing us with. I try to firmly but politely brush them aside. But lined up behind them is another and then another an yet another campaign team. And then it dawns on me that my plans shall not come into fruition. My corn shall have to wait.

How does Buhari do it? How does the boyfriend do it when the girl tells him she’s pregnant? How does my Course Adviser do it when it’s time to sign my docket? How do they all just…disappear? Sigh

I wish I could disappear rn but I can’t. So I must endure this, once again

I am tired. But I cannot die.


Great Opara 



 

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WHY SO SERIOUS?

“You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is is a little push!”- The Joker.

If you think this article is a joke rearing its green ahead around your screen, I suggest you close this web page with immediate effect. If you think it isn’t, then I wonder why you are not in an asylum right now. Nevertheless, I implore you….scratch that. I plead your indulgence to sit back and revel in the consequences of me giving my madness a little push.

Why so serious? Tell me, why are you so serious? Why are you still worrying about your GP? Why are you complaining about your monthly data balance that you renew four times within the same period? If you haven’t noticed, WhatsApp is no longer megabyte friendly thanks to the status feature. And your social media followers, why so serious? It’s not like you’ll add it to your CV when you’re done with this legal journey. It’s not as if you’ll even practice…okay, let me stop there. 

Nigerian Twitter savages, why so serious? Somebody cannot Tweet in peace again, for fear of being jammed by an unforeseen trailer. It’s not fair mehn. One should actually be able to sue these guys. Savagery can provoke suicide, literally. Sister reading this, why so serious? Why are you constantly stalking your boyfriend’s WhatsApp, Instagram, destiny and even Facebook that we left for our parents and razz people? He’s definitely cheating on you. Even if he wasn’t, you’d still go and be shouting Men are scum, all men are the same upandan. Have you tried all of them? Have you tried me? (I’ll most likely break your heart. Emulate Drake by not coming closer)

Lai Mohammed, why so serious? Economy, why so serious? You are so bad that we can’t even complain about you anymore. The plastic bottles of soft drinks that shouldn’t even go for more than fifty naira are now being sold for half the price. I almost fainted when I found out tbvh, and boom, that’s what Ozone expected me to enjoy not long ago. I should be cursing both them and the economy, but that would be so serious, as serious as the Nigerians who have been praying for a certain leader to come back/recover/step down/die for over a year. Why so serious

Lekki people, why so…I should probably cut the jokes here. But nah, why..so…serious. What doesn’t kill you makes you stranger. Yes, stranger; the viral photo of a man smiling while waist-deep in flood. Y’all will see it and come back to say I’m mad. Smh. Still on Twitter savages, there’s a rare photo of a certain duck and a certain frog spotted cruising on the waters. You should check it out yourself, and be careful too. Someone can like to jam you for the simple reason of being online. And my Lekki people, don’t mind the Mainland people that have been mocking you. It’s inferiority complex.

Evans Vanishes’ should probably be the best Nigerian newspaper headline ever. I mean, why so serious? Speaking of vanishing, the annoying day-long rains seem to have vanished…or subsided, at the very least. They were so serious mehn. Funny enough, the day it began was the same day a certain lecturer made his way to an unsuspecting class, after a self-imposed hiatus. Why so serious?

Arts students, why so serious? All that beef on top a cancelled show? You should have been on their group chats on the night of The Event. I literally treaded their faculty with caution the week after. Man cannot be bludgeoned for sin he did not commit. Am I so serious right now? Maybe I am, maybe not. Even the Pat Tiri girls that purportedly did some underground work, they need medals in their lives for being so serious- if they were, that is.

Still on Law students (though this is general now), why so serious? See how y’all rushed out after the Kasunmu lecture for chow. One could think a band of monkeys was unleashed in Main Aud. No, Ade Ajayi auditorium. Or maybe just Main Auditorium. It will always remain so. Not that we were ever kidding ourselves, anyway. And SamAzing, all that seriousness on top whistleblowing? I hope you get paid though. If you know how to do something, never do it for free 😀 

In other news, Game of Thrones is finally back. So will the list of Eligible bachelors and spinsters in this prestigious faculty .
Written By Clinton Durueke



Published By Great Opara

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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