MAYEN CATCHES THE ELECTION BUG
Dear Davy Jones, Ah! Church was like church – filled with people, and I can’t help feeling underdressed no matter how much thought I put in picking out my clothes.
I have decided that I would not expend unnecessary effort. I am very serious.
Dear Davy Jones, It is that time of the month. I feel like a bag of rice – lifeless. My brother made me tea. How sweet.
P.S Davy Jones is the captain of the Flying Dutchman in the Pirates of the Carribean.
Dear Davy Jones Today is Dare’s birthday. I should get him a present. Plus results are out. CIL dept. be sipping people’s GPs. It was really bad. I cried. I might as well kiss my first class ambition goodbye.
I don’t want to dwell on my result right now. This week has been quite a week in Europe. I watched on Tv how France honoured that slain policewoman – The Charlie Hebdo Saga. Meanwhile Nigerians are dying like fowls in the North. There was this fighter pilot guy that was slain by Boko Haram sometime last year. Nobody knows him. Somebody is busy saying that another person is too old to remember his phone number. Nobody is talking about Baga.
This country’s public service is forked up, and that is putting mildly. So I am at the Local Government Office, or whatever they call it, queuing for my PVC. The officials are rude, cold and unwelcoming. If you don’t like your job, then quit! So, I am minding my business on the queue and this guy has been trying so hard to talk to me, but I ignore him. I hate fiddling with my phone, so I bring out Dean Koontz – Life Expectancy – My best novel of all times. I have read and re-read it times without number. I bury my nose in my book as I ignore the Toaster. Some young guys are arguing about this election. ‘Brilliant submissions’. They were like four of them. There is Lanky, Scofield – he has those brilliant eyes like the real Scofield from Prison Break, Malo – he has this almost hausa accent – not quite – and there is Donkey eyes. Am trying to focus on my reading and at the same time give those local government guys the most evil look I can muster. But the argument is getting interesting, so I pay attention.
‘Everybody is saying Buhari will fight corruption. Has it occurred to you guys that APC has corrupt officials as well? Would Buhari have the guts to go after them? If …” Lanky interrupts Scofield. “Oga, calm down. There is no way there will be an anticorruption crusade that some people will not be favoured. All we want to see is some effort. Unlike that one that is still saying he will come up with anti corruption plan after six years of siddon look. Look at that missing NNPC money” Malo exclaims, ‘Wallahi, Nigerians are scammers. That finance minister is now yarning austerity measures. Austerity measures my ass!’ Donkey eyes laughs and picks it up from there, ‘I swear we are suffering. Austerity measures, Jonathan is still running Aso rock like a king eating food worth millions of dollars, adding more jets to his presidential fleet, travelling with a thousand and one delegates for a simple courtesy visit. Austerity measures, law makers have allowances as high as 300% of their salaries. Abegi! Useless Politicians. They will be talking as if everybody is retarded like them. I am so not voting for Jonathan. In fact PDP can go to hell’’. Scofield narrows his eyes, ‘What are you saying? Is APC different from PDP? Is it not the same PDP guys that defected to APC? You keep forgetting that Buhari had some extreme stances – on sharia, on amnesty for Boko haram. Why is he so desperate to come back? That guy is going to islamise Nigeria. You just wait for it. Jonathan is not a saint but Buhari is a pretender. What about his statement that he would make the country ungovernable? Donkey eyes eyes seem to even pop out the more, ‘Why you dey talk like mumu like this sef? So, the biggest problem Nigeria has now is Islamisation right? Una dey to0 fall for this religion thing abeg! When ASUU was on strike, what did Goodluck do? He removed Rukayat, put Wike. Of which that idiot was talkin Rivers state when he was supposed to be negotiating. I don’t support ASUU o. Universities are making money. Dem be scammers. Sensible person for don cut ASUU off. See Ilorin, who born Lecturer to complain? Let them be autonomous. Apart from that, his special advisers dey very useless from Reno Omokri to Okupe and Abati. Dem bad. Extremely bad. They just dey yarn dust. Abeg Jonathan may be a good man with good luck but it is obvious that that is not what Nigeria needs’. Scofield scoffs, ‘So Buhari is the man? Yeah right!” Lanky shifts while Malo shakes his head, ‘This guy dull small. Nobody is saying that there is really any difference between APC and PDP. But let’s face facts; most of the performing governors are APC guys. So what are we saying? The odds are that APC will perform better than PDP. Except you want to be patient with Jonathan.’ Everybody actually laughs. By now everybody is already listening to the argument. Lanky continues, ‘ Patient ke? The one im marry put for house nko? Truth is neither Buhari nor Jonathan is the man for the job. Jonathan is having mid life crisis, Buhari’s guilt is driving him to think he may put things right Maybe I should just vote UPN or one dead party’. Donkey eyes throws lanky a side glance, ‘That is why this country is not moving forward. I do have to say though; it is really about not wanting Jonathan. If it was a he goat that was Jonathan’s major contender, I would have voted for the he goat. Am serious. Enough is enough. Ahn ahn’’. Everybody laughed while scofield muttered, ‘Same goes for Buhari’’.
This had me thinking. Both parties and candidates have a lot of questions to answer. They fall short of the Nigerian glory. -_-. We can’t deny that Jonathan is not what this country needs, and that is the truth. He may be a good man but he has not been a good president. I didn’t eventually get a PVC, so I might as well take a chill pill. Now, isn’t that sweet?