I still can’t believe my luck, I can’t believe how close I was to not seeing the people I loved any longer. I wonder what my friends would have been doing now if I was really gone, would they be gossiping about what I used to do the same way we used to gather to gossip about those girls on our streets and everything they did right or wrong? I don’t think so, they wouldn’t do that to me, or would they be crying? I really don’t think so either, they were all jealous of me and would be happy that their biggest competition was gone or maybe not. But I honestly don’t know what they would be doing. Maybe baking cupcakes or making chicken sauce in honor of me. Oh, how I loved those things.
I had already said my last prayers and I was ready for the saints in heaven to receive me. If there is one thing that surprised me, it’s the fact that I am still alive. I was so close, so so close that I could feel the grasp of death. Don’t ask me how I felt because I won’t be able to answer your question. Death felt dead period!
Ok that being said, I don’t think I need to explain again that I almost died. I am sure you are wondering how, except you are as heartless as my two ex boyfriends or as stupid as my friend Onyeka. You really just want to know right now. Ok here it comes.
I woke up at 3am this morning with thoughts of dying, no I wasn’t heart broken, nobody offended me either. I just wanted to know what it felt like to be dead even if I would never have an opportunity to tell the story to anyone alive. You have heard that it is dangerous to climb up but then it’s no fun remaining down. So I read a little as was my daily routine, took my bath and thought about dying again. Yes I was actually ready to die so I thought, what was the point of rushing for the class, I took my time getting dressed for class, put on a little make up, quite more than usual. I had once sworn that I won’t be caught dead looking like those girls in my class that wore bridal makeup to class. Then breakfast, yes breakfast, if I was going to die, I wouldn’t want to die not having eaten an exotic meal. So I looked in the freezer for what I could find and before I knew what was going on, I found myself cooking pasta and chicken sauce, not too bad for someone who was going to die. I ran up to mum’s room, told her I was ready to go. She probably thought I meant I was ready to go to school. Well you know what I meant. Then I gave her a tight hug and left. My first attempt at death was jumping in front of a running bus. The bus driver was stupid and he hit the brakes just before he got to me. I rolled my eyes and kept moving “what a coward! ” I yelled “you couldn’t just bring your stupid self to hit a 20 year old” an old woman passing by looked at me as though I had said something stupid. Well the first attempt didn’t work.
The second attempt was to jump in the middle of two fighting area boys at the bus stop. I so wished they would beat me without knowing they were beating me and they would end ‘mistakenly ‘ killing me. It was all well planned in my head and all that was left was to execute my plan. Well I almost did but for the annoying park chairman who ended the fight. I screamed ” how could he? Why the hell did he end the fight! For heaven’s sake I had plans!” once again another person casted a glance on me and for a while I wished the glance was a knife that would stab me and kill me so I could be finally dead.
The third attempt was going to work perfectly well if Onyeka didn’t tell me I had an A in Constitutional law and Administrative Law! You remember I said she was stupid! Why did she give me such good news when I was trying to die! Well I wanted to suffocate this third time, I had successfully held my breathe for 20 seconds and wanted to keep holding it till I just passed on but Onyeka screamed my name and I had to turn and well breathe as well *sigh. So I didn’t die again.
The fourth attempt was to inhale some gaseous substance and die from doing so. I remembered my friend at sciences had lab classes today, so I followed her, I wouldn’t want to bore you with the trick I played to be able to get into the lab. The fourth attempt failed sadly! The students were too careful with the chemical, why didn’t they let me inhale a dangerous gas? When I told them I wanted to inhale gas, they gave me laughing gas, I inhaled it and laughed so hard that sorrow would have seen me and smiled, it was fun for them but for me, I wanted to die.
After the fourth attempt, I realized dying wasn’t going to work that day, and I also realized how much I would miss so many things. Things like watching area boys fight at the bus stop, being the best in my courses, laughing and of course having stupid friends like Onyeka. Then I didn’t want to die again, I was too exhausted from trying to die that I didn’t see the car coming from behind me and this time I almost died for real! The only thing I remember was saying my last prayer. I found myself weeks later in the hospital and I kept on wondering how I had survived. The car knocked me down so bad that I immediately uttered my last prayers. When I woke up I had to think. Why was life so ironical? When I really wanted to die, nothing killed me and when I had given up the thoughts of dying I almost died. Does life have to play such games? For all I know, I was just a click away from death and for the records, I love my stupid friend Onyeka!
Class of ’17