Chronicles of the Illegally Legal – S1 E6

By Great Opara

New Hall is bubbling. As usual. The females are “elegantly dressed”, the males are creeping out of various dark corners and crevices. It’s almost like Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video.
I see this babe with a very interesting pair of shorts, interesting in the sense that it’s almost nonexistent. As in, you know it’s there but at the same time, you’re still left wondering if it actually IS there, you get? I hurriedly avert my gaze, before the devil will goan use someone.

I’m on a mission, and any distraction (bum bum) whatsoever might be hazardous to my plans. Even in my haste however, I frequently look up as I walk, just to ensure that I shall not be joining my ancestors tonight. I’m not alone in this, the guy in front of me has basically been walking in circles and zig-zagging about, almost as if they’re chasing him from his village.
There are cars parked everywhere. Fine cars. Nice cars. The kind of cars you can only get with your ‘salary’ as a politician’s son *sigh* I see a number of girls “dressed for work” entering these fine cars and I shake my head. I make a mental note to remind my Father in heaven about my sugar mummy situation.

My mission tonight is one incredibly thick, light-skinned babe that I met on Twitter. Tbh, I followed her simply cos her daddy is among those people stealing Nigeria’s money. When she told me that we were in the same school, I was ecstatic. Finally, I’ll get to eat out of this National cake they’re always sharing.
This is true Federalism right here. I message her that I’m downstairs and she replies she’ll join me in 10 minutes. I don’t even mind sef, she can take 2 hours for all I care, I’ll simply grab a chair, sit and wait patiently:)
As I see her, with her perfect skin and glorious body, my happiness is complete. You know when you buy something online and Konga delivers something entirely different from what you ordered? Well, this is nothing like that, and as the good book says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord”. I smile and wave at her as I begin to calculate the number of tubers of yam and kegs of palm wine I will take to her people.
I love the smell of politics in the morning. It’s so…rejuvenating. The Lss elections is just around the corner and the electioneering is approaching it’s climax. I’ve never seen such creative slogans and hash tags before. Actually, I don’t think creative is the right word. ‘Bold’ is more apt, cos I don’t see why someone will goan tag himself #WWE if not boldness. #WWE ke? Are we fighting here? I’m hearing he nw added #WLAN to it. *sigh* That’s how you’ll know someone that didn’t have toys to play with when he was small.
Another one is tagged #LEGACY. #LEGACY ba wo? It sounds like all those over exaggerated Chinese movies where someone kills Jet Li’s father, Jet Li nw spends his adult life training and fighting, while his mates are on the farm, just to avenge his father’s death. Talk about vision 2020.

Yet another bold idea is #ELIXIR. *sigh* This one should just become a nurse nw, instead of studying Law, since he wants to be sharing medicine upandan. #ELIXIR. Shaa, I hope it cures malaria and kills bed bugs though.
The last guy seems to be currently undecided, but his trending slogan and my personal favourite is #3B. LOL! #3B A stronger version of the 2b pencil probably. This guy is probably trying to personify the saying: “we are nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator”. Or maybe it stands for Bold, Black and Beautiful. Either way, I like it:D
And these are just the people running for the big office, other candidates for other posts are even bolder with their slogans. Shaa, it’s really not my business, if you put money in my account, even if your slogan is #TERMINATOR, I’ll vote for you.

The annual Law Dinner is also around the corner. Suits are being sewn, shoes bought, cars booked. Money is being spent. Lovely. This guy beside me is bragging about how he’ll be taking a G-wagon V something for the event. I laugh. The boy is wearing a vintage shirt, vintage tie, vintage belt and vintage shoes. I sincerely hope his CGPA isn’t vintage too. Hehe.
I’ve changed my mind a dozen times over this dinner. The girl I previously wanted to take, after I’d finished calculating all of her expenses, it totalled almost 50K. Only her own o. Money that I’ll use to start business. Mtcheeew. Iranu.
I enter the lounge and it’s all everyone is talking about. After spending thousands of naira on one night, they’ll nw give you small rice? Or one jagaban will goan steal the babe you brought after paying for her ticket, transport and 18K dress? God forbid. I’d rather just stay in my room, drink garri and watch movies. Netflix and chill ayee.

I climb to the upper lounge and all eyes are on me. As usual. This particular girl is staring at me like I’m chicken and chips. I smile and head back downstairs. 1st rule of attraction, always leave them wanting more. As I approach the guy selling food and drinks in the lounge, I’m suddenly accosted by this very pretty classmate of mine. Before I know it, she has ordered food for herself, friends and family members back home and she is looking at me seductively, expecting me to pay. And it was only bottled water I wanted to buy o. Chai! It is well, I will not fall my hand.

I bring out my wallet and open it. Alas, it’s empty. I close it and try again. Same result. One more try. This time I spin it around a bit, rub it between my palms and mumble some prayers. Still no money. It occurs to me that I forgot to visit the Atm on my way here. The sweat begins to flow in the expected places, but I show no signs of fear.
The girl is captivated by the Tv and the man is on the phone. I thank the heavens for my good fortune as I slowly and deliberately begin my escape.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil

DISCLAIMER: The characters and events portrayed above are fictitious. All resemblances to any person(s) living or dead is purely coincidental. In other words, this is NOT the autobiography of the author. It is not o. Thank you

lssblog(2)Great Opara is…well, he’s Great, he likes to see himself as a peculiar, “tribeless” Nigerian. His hobbies include but are not limited to writing, eating, staring at his image in the mirror and talking to pretty females. Blessed with the gift of satire, this antisocial, introverted, unsung hero plans to use fiction to change the world. You can follow him on Twitter: @monsieur_ace


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