O Ye Bedbug

BY Salaam Adetunji Ayobami(Bammytyz)

The semester creeps in with the herald of the ‘frosh’ and beautiful faces…My families had to spread all over the halls of residence as shodeinde boys, eni njoku boys, makama girls, MTH and Fagunwa babes that stayed over the break were already hunting us as meat supplements for their oil rice.(chuckles) and wall paints. I have been a Troubador in search of browner pastures.

This is me, It’s time to get myself a nap…Manna has come! What’s my P? First, I’m a bedbug which means life is hard as survival is like in a state of nature which is nasty, brutish and short. I’m presently looking livid as a result of the academic holiday(famine). Secondly, meet my family…That’s Ted, the oldest bedbug in the Colony; here is my Mom, Lasdiara. Oh! I forgot to say sherma, my nephew got murdered in jaja wing B, room 305 and lastly, my lust for blood is unexplainable as I consume like a vampire.
Hush…least I forget I’m Penny.

Blood is Fuel so I have to be a vampire and to survive I have to be smart and brave. I recall how I do suck the girls in all parts of their bodies. Because their blood is fresher and sweeter than the guys😋, make dem dey dance Korede Bello’s spiritual Godwin dance when I embark on my suck and hide under their nighties (smiles…rubbing my flatened belly).

Now You have to meet my Landlords:
*Lucia: the sassy cute girl from the other part of the country whose goodies are like stocks in Shoprite. “That’s my canaanland of hiding for eventual coming out to suck her at night”

*Rahmah is the typical girl you wish not to stagger into her corner or locker, the aroma from her meals irritates as I hate anything that is not bloody.

*Sandra, a regular patron of shop 10 @Red bricks. She is so nice. She eats eatery foods nd surgery things that make her blood so sweet in mouth.

They seem lovely and fresh as the semester begins. Oh! I wish I can wave at Lucy, she has been really accommodating with her locker a colony of ‘dis-arrangement’. Well I love her habit.

The days take a stroll turning pages like’ One TIMES SUCCESS’, as I regain my strength looking bit robust especially down my belly. I struggle nowadays to glide down the poles and sneak into my holes of bunks and torn mattresses. Bola’s squatter saw me during the day ‘soliloquizing’ and I’m getting curious with a liquid in her hands which I suspected to be OTA PIA PIA . I need to look for another canaanland…”O YE BEDBUD”???? Hurriedly, I fled.

That’s a bedbug poison!!! And knowledge has saved me. Knowledge is truly Power…I’m the most literate bedbeg within the walls of Akoka sucking bloods for decades. ” I recall sucking a very fat girl for good 8 hours non stop each day in a semester. She sleeps a lot (snort).

Well, Life in the hostel is not that much funky as most students have started protesting against me and my families, they don’t stay in hostels again because of me and my families and some have started using my families’ bloods to paint their walls. I just pray the school management doesn’t fumigate and doesn’t change their mattresses next session so that we won’t be eradicated from UNIBUG. I must stylishly say in KOFO, Amina, moremi and biobaku halls , my families live in Fantasy because we bribe their hall management when it comes to fumigation!!!

A Featuristic Exposition of the Life of a Bedbug in one of the Hostels in University of Lagos (Moremi Hall).

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