MAYEN DUMPS DAVY JONES
#Np Magic Mike XXL Original Motion Picture Sound Track Album
Dear Davy Jones, today is the 4th day of October, 2015. A lot has happened between now and my last entry here – July 17 to be precise.
Let’s take it from there. Earlier in the week, I had found a pack of opened condoms in Donald’s – my younger brother’s – bag. I remember crying and telling him to get rid of it. I was being a responsible adult or so I thought. I remember being on autopilot for like two weeks, it was that bad, until the event.
On the 31st of July, I came home for the weekend and that was when everything fell apart. The LAWMA guys came to pick the trash and I arrived shortly after them. Donald wasn’t around so my Dad was the carrying the main refuse bag. My mum, on the other hand, went to get all the bins from the rooms. Donald’s room was locked so that left just my room and my parents’ room. I went to get the one in the kitchen. I emptied mine into the main bin with my Dad, my mum came down with hers and was emptying it. We saw it at exactly the same time – Donald’s condoms. My Dad’s response was, ‘go inside this very minute and wait for me in the sitting room’.
My mum’s hands went straight to her head, you know like when a player loses a goal, or those dramatic people on African Magic.
I searched through my mind for a plausible story. No single one. Either truth or lie, I would still be in deep shit. Literarily. So, I waited. It was like a century before my parents came upstairs. My mum held the pack of condoms between her index finger and her thumb. The next thing I heard was, ‘start talking’.
My parents were sitting opposite me, waiting for me to talk. ‘I don’t know anything about it’ My mum gave me a legendary slap. I tried again. ‘There was this free sex education thing they were doing in school. So they gave a pack of condoms and I must have brought it home…’ Another slap, this time by my dad. ‘Strawberry flavoured condoms? Do you know how much a pack of these costs? You could sit with a stupid straight face and that nauseating attitude. Do you know what you really are?’ he turned to my mum, ‘tell her’. My mum, bless her heart, looked miserable as she whispered, ‘a public toilet’. My dad picked up a throw pillow and hurled it in my direction. I dodged it. A big, gigantic, mistake. Another slap – more like three slaps in quick succession. When he threw the next two pillows, nobody told me to be still. My face was surprisingly dry until my dad mentioned Donald. He turned to my mum, ‘you better warn your daughter, to leave Donald out of whatever stupid aristo she is doing. Tell her not to ruin my son’s life because I am going to kill her. I am serious. She wants to ruin her life, fine! She better leave Donald out of it.’ He turned to me, ‘One more thing, you just get pregnant or contract some funny disease, I will send you out of my house. I send you to the best schools and give you the best of everything. Do you know how much your pocket money is? You don’t have plans for your life. I don’t mind. I put together a very smart plan for you, and what do you do? You throw everything away because of what? Some quick sexual gratification that would last for a few seconds. You are a waste of space and a nuisance!’ My mum was crying profusely. I have never seen her like that. ‘What is your CGPA?’ ‘it is still a first class grade.’ Another slap from my dad. ‘Answer the question’ ‘4.56’ ‘That’s it? From a 4.7 something?’ ‘Daddy, there is land law and equity to consider…’ thwack – a backhand slap, definitely didn’t see that coming. ‘So because you are having sex now, you think you can flap your gums and talk back at me ehn?’ The backhand slap resonated in my tear ducts causing them to liquefy – painful sturve. I apologised immediately. My mum held my face in her hands. ‘You are not a virgin, are you?’ Under normal circumstances, I would have scoffed but this time I was a bit ashamed. I had never seen my dad so angry before. ‘Since when?’ ‘ SS3’ My mum fell into my laps. I was thoroughly ashamed. I have made some decisions I am not proud of, yes. But I have always tried to keep my brother out of my sexual life. Always. ‘Dad, I promise you and I swear that I have been celibate since year two…’ My Dad came closer, I was scared that I would get the beating of a lifetime. He put his hand on my shoulder, ‘ I should kill you, but then I think about how we would be lucky to even get Irish potatoes for your bride price, and that’s punishment enough for me. I know what to do to you. Get out of my sight.’
So Davy Jones, that’s my story. I have been grounded. I go to school from home everyday – moved out of the hostel. My life has changed. My mum insisted that I start baptismal class. My dad drops me off at and picks me up from school at two places only – the library or the faculty. My phone has been seized, no television or movies or twitter. I watch only Aljazeera or CNN with my Dad. I have had a change of wardrobe – only official dressing. No going out. The house is big enough for whatever I want to do. I do have this ipod to listen to music so that I don’t fall asleep while reading. Except that, it was like defending a thesis. READING WITH MUSIC: EXPLORING REASONS WHY A GROUNDED YOUNG ADULT WITH NO ACCESS TO GADGETS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO KEEP AN IPOD. I submitted a list of ten reasons why the ipod should not be seized as well. I have to cook and clean the house and all that stuff. I am a responsible child.
As for Donald, I have warned him to stay out of my way. If my parents ever find out that the condoms were actually his, I would still be in trouble. After all, if I didn’t have questionable morals, my brother would not have picked them up. Donald actually ruined my life, because at this point I know I am never leaving Lagos, my law school and service will be in Lagos. My Dad will see to that. I am very confident of his abilities. I have vowed not to be bitter. That’s why I am going to burn – a tiny bit extreme, but I love drama – this Diary, because I have no privacy anymore. Everybody is all up in my business. My mum is always in my room these days. And my dad keeps looking at my books when I am reading as if he could tell what a charitable trust is. I can’t keep a diary because I don’t want my parents to be all up in my business and nothing happens these days since if I am not doing house girl work at home, I am busy being the library rat.
Oh, I have told Donald two things: he should get his shit together. I see or hear anything funny, I sing like a bird. No more covering up or playing cupid, he is an adult now. After all he is in the university and he is having sex. Secondly, he is an idiot for not getting rid of the condom as I told him to, and he is a retard for leaving it in the bin in my room. He is going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I. Am. Damn. Serious. (needed the damn for emphasis)
Bye Davy Jones. I enjoyed it while it lasted.