Chronicles of the Illegally Legal, Season 2 Episode 1

It’s only a few days into January 2016, and I already cannot wait for December. For those of you who do not live in Lagos, take my advice, never ever relocate. Stay in your village (anywhere that’s not Lagos is a village idc) and enjoy life. The cost of living here is too high and it’s not worth it. At least in your various villages, you still get to see half naked girls dancing and twerking on their way to fetch water from the stream, over here, there are no such luxuries, I assure you.

Another thing is the ‘Lagos Sun’. See, the sun in Lagos is very different from whatever entity that shines in your respective village, be it Ogun, Enugu or Kano. The Lagos Sun is not your friend. The Lagos Sun cares for no one and shows no mercy. The Lagos Sun is ruthless, trust me, it is never on your side. And when you nw fuse the Lagos Sun with the almighty ‘Lagos Traffic’ Ah! Skiborobo skibo! It’s a lethal combination. When I left my house this morning, I was a fresh, almost light-skinned fine boy. By the time I got to school, about four hours later, the security men were asking me for my Ghanaian passport 😥 But I digress.

Today’s class is Criminal law, otherwise known as, ‘How To Get Away With Murder’, Nigerian version 😀 Tbh, I have been looking forward to this particular lecture. Nigerians need to learn that izz not everytime you use juju to kill someone. Sometimes, actually plan your neighbours death in advance, execute it with precision and then, consciously avoid getting caught and beaten by olopa. Oh well.
The lecturer walks in and leaves about two hours later, and during this time, I learn some very valuable lessons. One, do not believe everything you see on Tv. Don’t try it. Those oyibo people can lie ehn. Two, if your children or younger siblings ever plan to follow your confused footsteps and goan study law, do not allow them. Change it for them if necessary. This law life has already claimed your soul, don’t let it have other innocent souls too.

As we exit the hall, the Lagos Sun is as cruel and unsmiling as ever. I almost begin to pity the unfortunate souls wearing full corporate uniform with stiff ties to match. Almost. One guy is wearing pure starch, he nw added small bits of white shirt to it. I think he’s going to break into tiny pieces at any moment. Someone else has taken the term ‘Mary Amaka’ skirt to the next level. I’m just here wondering which family bed sheet or curtain she used to sew this wonderful something.
I get to the campus shuttle park, and a bad day instantly becomes worse. The multitude of people on the queue is baffling. I didn’t even know there were this many people in the world. I consider trying to wuru wuru my way into the front of the line, but one look at all the angry and disgruntled faces around me and I change my mind. As I begin the long, long walk to the back of the line, I slowly come to the realisation that maybe this ‘village’ something isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Today is the freshers matriculation ceremony, and the atmosphere around school is quite relaxed and celebratory. Different groups and sections of matriculating students abound. The ones that have written Jamb 3 to 12 times before finally getting admission can be clearly seen from their strong faces and sour demeanour. They’re just waiting for the first fuck up from you, then they’ll beat you up while repeatedly asking “Am I your mate?”. Avoid this group.
Then, there are the ones who just left High School and were fortunate enough to gain admission the same year. You’ll see these ones in their spotless suits, dresses and matric gowns, taking pictures with their doting parents and eating ice cream. This is the second group. This is my favourite group. This group can be prominently seen around the Law faculty.

There are so many photographers around and so many fine girls too. One father just told a photographer to ‘keep the change’. 800 naira change? Ah! I carefully study and try to remember his daughters face, while the lucky photographer begins running for freedom, before his colleagues hunt him down and report him to the EFCC. The price of everything today seems to have doubled, yet no one is complaining. Hmmm rich kids, thank God for their lives.
There are beautiful females everywhere. From the light-skinned to the charcoal coloured, all looking very exquisitely and expensively dressed. The immense joy that overcomes me almost knocks me down. A few meters in front of me, a couple of them are discussing about how they spent the holidays in France and what Bentley models their various fathers are buying this year. I smile and begin my mental warm up as I slowly and confidently walk up to them. Bentley bah? No problem. It’s time to ‘spread the gospel’ and ‘expand my ministry’.
2016. Operation ‘Catch them young’.

Great Opara
For the blog Team.


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