Welcome. You made it to 2016, a new and wonderful year. The ‘Year of the Monkey’ according to our chinko friends. We don’t know what message they’re trying to pass across, and we can only imagine what will happen when the ‘Year of the Goat’ rolls by. Maybe some isi ewu chilling or…anyway, that’s not the purpose of this article. The fact is that you’re here and it is your time to shine. Enjoy it.
Before you do so however, remember that it’s a new year and old things have passed away. You cannot continue living that rubbish life you were living in 2015. You cannot, we won’t let you. You must upgrade, and because we care, we shall help you in your journey towards becoming ‘version 2.0’. Only because we care o. That IS the purpose of this segment, your betterment in life. So when next you go to church, kindly say a prayer for us. And if you feel a prayer is too small, then at the end of this article, we’ll drop our organisation’s account number, and then you’ll do the needful:D
First things first though before we continue, we know that there are some individuals in the abroad somewhere who probably feel that we’re stealing their intellectual property cos of the name of this segment. mmm if you like, sue us. After the ten plus years we’ll spend in Nigerian court, one kobo you’ll not see. We’re not saying that we’re broke o, but that’s just how it is. Secondly, it’s not by force to take our advice o. Before someone will goan say we have ruined his or her life and somehow somehow, the matter will end up at the babalawo’s place deep within the forest. Abeg o, if you know you’re wiser than us, carry your wahala and go. We are not forcing you, please.
That being said, we present ‘HOW TO SURVIVE THE NIGERIAN VALENTINE’
HADES: Run and hide. You’re a nigerian male and you wanna survive against the forces of poverty and despair? Just run and hide. February 14 is a sunday, stay in church, stay for all 3 services plus fellowship, youth meeting and evening prayer. Join a church committee, just do not leave for any reason. If you are like me and cannot step foot inside a church (for obvious reasons), then stay at home. Lock and double lock your door(s) and then proceed under your bed. Under o, not on it, in case someone is peeping through the window. All you need are 4 sachets of gala, your bottled water, phone and power bank. DO NOT LEAVE FOR ANY REASON. These females mean business. And if after all these precautions bae still locates you, dump her. Bae is not bae. Bae is a demonic entity.
ATHENA: First of all, forget everything you’ve been told about Valentine since you were little. Everything. They’ve all been lies. As a girl, if you don’t have a maga for sunday, you’ve failed already. Please o, ‘maga’ not ‘boyfriend’. A maga is someone who can buy you as many things as you want and ask for very little in return. Go out now and get a maga, the kind that’ll finish the money in his account on you and all you’ll get him is N500 Valentine card.
Ensure that you start being nice to your maga BEFORE sunday. Maga’s don’t require much, but they’re not fools too. You must show love from time to time. This is essential.
Ensure you’ve charged your phone for that day so you can take pictures of every single thing he buys you, where you’re going to, how you look like, how the weather is, how happy you are you have a maga…basically rubbing it in every girls face that you’re enjoying your Valentines day the most. You must post it on every social media. Snapchat must become your best friend. Just be careful not to show your maga’s face…one woman’s maga is another woman’s husband. You’ve been warned. There is no remedy for acid bath:D
After you’ve enjoyed the whole day, you must ENSURE that your maga buys you a teddy bear, as one of the things you must do is a ‘Competition of the biggest teddy bears’ on Valentine’s day. If you don’t have a teddy bear…please what are you doing?
This is a vital step. One which leads to all others. If you skip this step…I doubt you’ll survive the next valentine. Please ensure that you IGNORE your maga until the next Valentine. If you don’t do this, you’ll end up with a boyfriend. A boyfriend is not the same thing as a maga o. You’ll have to give to get (*wink*wink*):D so to make sure you continuously have a maga, ignore him for as long as possible.
DAPHNE: I’ve been wondering and pondering why the incessant messages from Apollo,
one bleached boy in my class. Now I understand. It’s all clear. Love. One word used at this season more times than people mention their name. I’ve never quite been blown away by this emotion. Why? I don’t love. I
don’t feel love. I don’t know love. I don’t want love. But that’s me. Love if you want. Doesn’t affect me.
How to survive the Nigerian valentine? Wear white and red all through that
day. You don’t need to have a “valentine”or even get a call from anyone to see if you’ve been starving for the last ten days or to check on you. Perhaps you’ve been lost in a wilderness for weeks now like I have. I mean, this life is a wilderness. Just wear white and red. Stick to this and you’ll survive. Your very underwear should be in these colours even if you don’t have anyone who’ll notice them or you’ll not model for any aspiring Lagos photographer on that day. Just wear white and red. I beg you in the name of God. If you don’t have any outfit in these colours, go to all extremes to get one. Cry to get one. Beg to get one. Lie to get one. Steal to get one. Kill to get one (remember you’ll be dressing to kill in them). Break all 10 of the commandments to get one. You just have to be in those colours. By fire by force. This only happens once in an entire year. You don’t want to be excluded.
Your WhatsApp status, BBM status, Facebook status, Snapchat stories, Instagram pictures, Youtube videos, tweets, and whatever social media you subscribe to must reflect the love mood, even if your mum and dad just finalised their divorce, you got a carryover in land law, everyone in school hates you, you have no job at the moment and are still carrying your certificate upandan. You must send long broadcast messages to your contacts that you rarely chat with, are secretly jealous of and gossip about, family relations you only see and speak to on Christmas day, your ex, your High school acquaintances and fake friends. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE must get a message from you stating how much you love and cherish them.
If you’re blessed with a boyfriend on Valentines day that doesn’t suddenly travel or become unavailable, you must make matching shirts with your names printed at the back. If not your names, at least “King” and “Queen”, “Bae” and “Boo” or “Baby”. Then take pictures. Not just any kind but the
“out-of-this-world blow-me-away we-ain’t-worthy” sorts normally taken by professional photographers. Everybody must know you guys really love each other and be jealous of you both. Whether or not he beats you frequently when he’s angry, he doesn’t let you go through his phone and stuff, he rarely tells you anything, you’ve been dating for 10 years yet no sign of a ring on that finger or you were high school crushes and he only hits you up for nudes. Just shine teeth for the photographer in your branded shirts and you’re good to go.
Your favourite musicians for the day must be Celine Dion and West Life. Even if you have a thing for Ebenezer Obey, Eminem or Tope Alabi. Theres no time for all that, you must change your ring tone to a mushy love song as soon as its 12 am and the day begins. Your neighbours must be awakened by these songs especially if they’re boring or Jehovah witnesses. You have to give them something to come knock on your day about. They’ll
just love that.
Finally, you must get your val a gift. May heaven pour boiling brimstones on you if you don’t. Jokes. But still, you need to. A gift is mandatory whether in material form, cash or kind. Even the legend, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, said that sex is a gift. So share generously with your val on this special day. Forget condom, forget protection, listen to him and
his lust for you speaking; its all love and that’s what Valentines day is about. STDs do not exist for that special day. They go on vacation. Your ovaries shut down completely and no egg can be released so chill baby. It’s
all love isn’t it?
And you’ve received wisdom directly from the gods:D We apologise for the length of the article, but you’ll agree with us that this is a very important something. Please remember, it’s not by force to take our advice. If you do so and it backfires, we are not liable. Come again next week for more doses of wisdom, and HAVE A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.