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SELF-HELP FOR DUMMIES : WHAT TO DO WITH THE FALLEN NAIRA

06 Mar

Hello and welcome. As you probably know by now our currency, the naira, is fluctuating more than NEPA when rain is falling. This is not our fault, neither is it yours (except if your daddy is part of those the EFCC is chasing), and because we care, today we’ve decided to give you guys tips on how to handle this present predicament.
Before we begin once again first, a disclaimer, please o, we do not claim to be financial or economic experts or experts of any nature whatsoever. We’re just hungry students like you, so if you wanna donate to our cause ejoor donate. Our advice is not by force o, we’re not the ones paying for your very expensive data plan.
That being said, we present ‘WHAT TO DO WITH THE FALLEN NAIRA’

ZIK: If the naira has fallen, then pick it up. The issue is how to do this my brother. Are we going to do it ourselves, ask someone else to help out, or just leave it to lie there.
Nigeria is a federal democratic state with resources to provide for all social amenities to reach everyone. I may or may not have gotten my share after all my labour for this country, that one is not your concern. But the difference between me and the rest of all your pathetic excuses for leaders is that I know you all deserve better. I admit I made mistakes too but the naira didn’t fall from my hand, Chineke thank you. The naira must regain its value and I believe this can only happen through that thing the white man calls ‘democracy’.

The ideology that the naira belongs to us all and however it is spent affects the general public tremendously, if properly “digested”, would drive out the nonchalant attitudes among you Nigerians to resort to whatever is laid down for you on a platter of dried wood. The change of perspective must begin with us if not “ a fufu ga na ta anyi”. Democracy is popularly chorused as being government of us, by us and for us. But how many of you know or even care to ask where the very things you eat come from? We delight in processed food bought from foreign countries with foreign currencies when plantations, farms and fields swamp our own nation.
The naira hasn’t even fallen completely yet. At least we can still see and feel it small small. Until the next generation recognises the faces of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin on the dollar more than that of ‘General Ahmadu Bello’, ‘Sir Murtala’, ‘Igwe Awolowo’ or myself, before you people will know it’s on the floor. We can only get our naira back when we show the rest of the world how very valuable it is. To pick the fallen naira, we need to drop the dollar, pound, yuan, euro, rand, lira and so on.

Pick the naira, plant it wisely and watch it grow into a tree; lofty, altitudinous and mighty, standing on its own amongst the great trees in the money forest.

ABACHA: My fellow Nigerians, greetings from the great beyond. To those of you wondering whether I’m currently UP chilling or, DOWN sweating and suffering, I say WAKA. You’re part of this country’s problems. We are gathered here to discuss a very crucial something and your mind is on where I’m spending my afterlife? In fact, I’m angry now.
The main froblem is you are all vely vely kworrupt. Especially those of you reading this with an ‘aboki accent’ in your heads. If the naira is falling or has fallen, what about the kobo? If your currency has failed you, why not go back to coins and prosper? It is very hard to steal one billion something coins. Trust me, I know. If you put the coins inside ‘ghana-must-go’, it will be making noise and then everyone will know you’re a thief which is not good.

Those of you who are still seeing money to steal even under the watchful eyes of this mallam currently in charge, kudos to you. Wow! Congratulations. More power to your elbow. Carry go. Me I’m not saying you shouldn’t thief o, by all means keep at it. But if you invest your loot in the Nigerian economy instead of carrying it to the abroad, will you die? Them, when they steal in their own countries, do they bring it here? Kilode? Haba! If you steal 2billion, at least put 1.5 back into the country. That’s the only way this national cake we’re always talking about can go round o.
I have to go now, my ‘break’ is almost over. Please, if any of you has an AC that he or she is no longer using, kindly send it to me. It gets quite hot over here sometimes. And because I’m in a good mood, I am going to call one of my white aboki’s inside all those Swiss Banks to return 200billion of some of the money I err…borrowed from you people when I was still in power. Just 200 o. You currently need it more than I do, before they’ll start calling you people ‘Zimbabwe Annex’. You can thank me later.

GEJ: At this point, the naira is almost N300. When I was in power it fluctuated between N150 and N200 but the way it is now is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t sit by and watch the Naira fall any more. I wasn’t able to do anything substantial in the country for the entirety of five years but the deliverance from my slumber that Adichie woman spoke about has finally happened and I’m awake. So please, pay attention.
Firstly, I must say, I condemn this act. Ah…this is not something that should be happening. I ah feel that Nigeria can and must recover from it but it is a terrible thing that is happening at this point.
Secondly we must understand that Over 70% of what is called corruption even by EFCC and other anti-corruption agencies, is not corruption, but common stealing. As such, I must let you know that I combated stealing while in office but I left many thieves untouched. The reason? I knew that someone like the current oga at the top would come into power and I wanted to give him an opportunity to prove himself in the eyes of all Nigerians. So while I did some work I left a lot for our President to do. Don’t worry, I’m sure he is very grateful for my ah…thoughtfulness

When I was presenting myself for service, I was reported as saying that I make no pretence that I have a magic wand that will solve all of your problems or that I am the most intelligent man. As such I bring to you the solutions for Nigeria, after thinking for almost six years:
I) Try to find things to export. Even if it is common pencil. We need another source of income.

II) Borrow more money from the World Bank, the Chinese bank and even the Togolese bank.

III) Project our suffering to the entire world so they can see and feel sorry for us. There’s nothing wrong in crying abeg

IV) Find more time to celebrate ‘aba’ made. It will help us A LOT. Aba is the future wallahi.

I promised to never let you down and even after you people voted me out, I’m keeping my word. You’re very welcome. Madam Patience is greeting you pipu o.
…………………………………………………………………
Thank you for your patience and time. Edakun, continue the discussion in your schools and places of work until we find lasting solutions to these problems. Bye bye.

Great Opara
Wura Fagbamiye
Olamide Davis

 

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