I agree with C.J Jung that I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to be. Thus, the black ink painting the picture of my past right now is not for anything but to learn from. I will write some of my story till mummy calls and then I will continue next week. Dr Seuss stated that ‘you know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams’. I doubt if this is true. What if it’s just a crush thing? I am ‘the Love girl’ because that’s what my best friend calls me. She knows me more than just anybody. I do not know the reason why ‘we accept the love we think we deserve (Stephen Chbosky), but mine was different. I accepted the love I think I do not deserve because I deserved more.
I was 14years old when a guy told me he loved me. It all happened on the phone. That was not facebook love. It was ‘phone love’. It lasted for many months, maybe some months. But of course the guy enjoyed the recharge card I usually send him. I was the ‘ATM love punk’. I guess it was because I was used to the imaginary love I read on ‘Mills and Boom’ and ‘Harlequin novels.’ It was not until I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord that I stopped reading them. I can tell you, it really helped a lot. No more dreams about the handsome guy in the dream land caressing my lips and giving me a smooth touch. Mum told me Satan can be involved in such dreams.
Many years later, I was in love with a church boy. Elie Wiesel stated that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference and that was it. It’s true. I and Kim every Tuesdays go out to play together. It’s good to chillax after reading you know. We usually start with jokes, and then we beat each other. Kim never had the chance to beat me more than thrice. I do the rest of the beating because I blush a lot. So instead of blushing, I cover up by beating him and saying ‘you are not serious’. His dark skin blends with his brown eyes. His white teeth remind me of the picture of that guy on the red ‘Close Up’ and his sparkling teeth. It’s funny I know. I usually sit on his lap and then the discussion goes. But we never kissed, and in fact, I have never kissed a guy before, ok,Yes, he had attempted it before… more than once,but kissing is not a one man act. It takes two. The reason being that my spirit keeps telling my heart that Kim was indifferent and ambitious. He just wants to feel loved, good and O.K., but he was afraid to go deep. Most especially, he wants ‘;God’s plan’ not his plan. He told me that.
February 2005, I went to his church.. After the sermon, we discussed on the message preached. We were sitting outside Chapel Annex. Of course we were not the only ones there. Mum and dad had told me that I should not be with a guy alone in a private place. I always remember that. But then, I broke the rule. It was simply because I didn’t go straight to my hostel. We went to his small house that he rented in ‘Bariga’’. It was because I was enjoying the discussion and we were hungry and he said he’s got something in the house. I know Beulah will not cook that night for us to eat. She is my friend and we stay in the same room and we cook together. She had earlier called me that she was very tired, and will not be able to cook. She needed to rest. So, off I followed Kim to his house.
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