Chronicles of the Illegally Legal S2E5

The holidays are upon us. It has been a long and tedious year filled with bad things like stress, classes, indemnity forms, exams, girls that wanna steal your money, boys that also wanna steal your money, Buhari, hunger et cetera. But we have prevailed and have reached the penultimate month of 2016, now is the time to relax and enjoy and start sending messages to all the witches(sorry, relatives) in your various villages to let them know that their plans have failed and you are still alive.

Speaking of villages, the igbo people will soon start their annual pilgrimage to the east, even some of you that Unilag said should resume on the 12th of December will still follow them and go. Only God knows what exactly happens in these places you guys go to, cos I’ve never been there before. Whether you pipu used to do your own Igbo Olympics or something, I don’t understand. Sigh it is well, y’all should better bring bread, yam and spare parts when you are coming back shaa.

Today, I am on my way to the office. Lol that just sounds wrong. Old and wrong. Anyway, I’m interning at a Law firm this holiday and minus the daily traffic while trying to get to the island, I’m actually having fun. Initially, I had no plans of interning, but after staring at the four walls of my room for 3 straight days and coming within an inch of running mad, I decided that an internship would not be such a bad idea after all.
Amean, it is an opportunity to wear clothes and leave the house, and who knows how many beautiful females I might encounter during my comings and goings. Then there’s the free wifi, free lunch, free Air Conditioning, free socket to charge my phone…life is good sometimes. Plus, there’s also the possibility that I might learn something (that’s what internships are for right?) that will help me when school starts, but I doubt this very much.

I arrive at the office and complete my first and most important task: plugging my blackberry to charge😊. This phone has tried though, and it is definitely time to get a new one, coupled with the fact that Whatsapp has turned traitor and conspired to leave we BB users in the wilderness come December 31st, the time to move on has finally come.
My fellow interns are all very ‘busy’ at their various work stations downloading the latest movies, Youtube videos and Instagram somethings, while the real lawyers go about working. There’s this particular guy who always closes his laptop in a hurry whenever anyone passes by. Like, really fast. Ha! He must be watching something quite interesting, this one that he does not want anyone to see. I just hope it’s one of those funny internet videos.

Two of the lawyers are engaged in a very heated intellectual argument about the legal basis of a particular Supreme Court decision.  The first one now looks to my side and summons me over. Apparently, her intention is to ask for my opinion because she feels I will be able to contribute in a meaningful way. Ha! When did my course adviser call this woman and tell her I’m on a First Class please? Me that I’m not even sure I know what Law is about.
I start to speak and for the next 10 minutes, I argue eloquently and persuasively on an issue that I’m pretty sure I do not understand. Everyone just pauses and stares at me as I go on and on. I don’t know whether to be encouraged or scared, but in my mind I’m a young Barack Obama doing his thing.

As I conclude my ‘speech’, the young woman that asked for my opinion just continues to stare at me, mouth open. I do not know if she’s impressed by brilliance or shocked at my utter stupidity. She continues to stare at me, along with her colleague and my fellow interns as the seconds tick on. And finally she says “well, at least you are confident shaa”
If only the ground could open up and swallow me right now.

Today is a friday, two days after egbon Donald John Kolawole Trump was declared as winner of the US elections 2016, and the shock waves are yet to cease. For those of you who thought it was a dream lool I do not even know where to start laughing from. This situation would be very comedic if it wasn’t so serious and real. And Twitter has been there to witness it all.
See ehn, if you have a phone and you are not on Twitter, specifically Naija Twitter then life is passing you by. The funniest individuals that were ever created reside in that place and they are always looking for the newest mad person to join them.

The Exodus is quite real as apparently, the Canadian immigration website crashed on the morning after the election due to the number of African-Americans trying to escape the country. Nigeria does not kuku have immigration website or even immigration anything, so y’all are definitely welcome to come here, especially all those very fineee, thick, mixed females.
I take a stroll through the streets and it is literally what everyone is talking about, even the ones that do not know what a Trump is have suddenly turned into political analysts. Iya Taiwo has refused to sell black market fuel today and is instead engaged in a discussion with her neighbour about how she knew Hillary could never win because she’s a female democrat. Lool some of these jokes write themselves

Elsewhere, people are really taking this matter to heart. The arguments, discussions and the rest are truly head bursting. It’s almost as if we were part of the election, and some of these people are lamenting as if they personally campaigned for Hillary. I’m dying of laughter on the inside as I attempt to maintain a straight face. Apparently these US people have gone to put ‘sand sand’ inside the World’s garri.
As I pass the neighbourhood grocery store, I see a crowd gathered round an old guy who is yelling and weeping as if he just lost his house in a bet. After much amebo and famzing, I finally get most of the details. It seems that after almost 8 years of applying, the United States Embassy in Nigeria finally approved this man’s visa application and he was in the process of preparing himself for his journey before this great calamity befell USA and the world😂

People are up and about, calling family members and inquiring when they’ll begin the journey back to Nigeria, while others are cancelling all plans of schooling and living abroad. And still some are tearing their green cards. The world has changed drastically in less than 48hours and it is all Obama’s fault because he refused to seek for a third term in office like a true African leader.
In my opinion it’s not so bad though, it is simply a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils. Buhari on one side and Trump on the other. I hope we all make the right choice though.
The Trump has triumphed

By Great Opara
Published by Hosanna William-Trump and the writer, Great Opara Clinton


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