CHRONICLES OF THE ILEGALLY LEGAL S2E9

Remember remember, the fifth of November; the gunpowder, treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot! – (V for Vendetta)       _____________________________________________

For as many people that have watched and understand the movie, V for Vendetta, is more or less a modern day retelling of the events surrounding Guy Fawkes Night in old England, albeit with a few moral and human rights plot twists and turns. Although Guy Fawkes might have had the wrong reasons when he tried to blow up the House of Lords on the 5th of November 1605, the 2005 movie V for Vendetta is a classic portrayal by Natalie Portman and her co-actors of the age old story about the common man finally standing up to despotic rulers and oppressors.

See the beautiful thing about books, movies and other select art forms is their ability to capture human life so excellently that you’re left wondering if the writer/author/creator is one of those fiery type prophets of biblical times. Masterpieces like ‘Lord of the Flies’ and ‘Animal Farm’ are prime examples of where humanity is presented at its very worst, and are books I would strongly recommend for any person with an imagination, just so he or she can understand the fucked up circus that is our society.

These are the thoughts that occupy me today as I once again make the journey to the border of Cameroon for purposes of a ‘practical legal education’ or so my job description tells me. For the billionth time this year, I feel the need to put into words my strong distaste for this comedy of errors we call our dear country Nigeria. See, sitting in a bus going to Ajah; as you witness the long, seemingly unending roads before you, it’s almost impossible to not begin to compare your life (and final destination) to the roads of Ajah and thus you start to ask yourself questions like “What do I want in life?” and more importantly “Can I achieve all this in Nigeria?”.

The first time I attempted this journey to the bowels of Ajah, I was struck by just how far this place is and I asked myself why someone would set up a Law Firm here. More importantly, I asked myself why I carried my big head and started an internship in a place farther than the promised land the Israelites spent years trying to reach. After the headache and stress I’ve been through over the last couple of weeks, you can imagine my response to this idea of a ‘Pupilage’ something being proposed by the Napoleon‘s and Snowball‘s of our very own Animal Farm. I apologize if any of your various fathers is involved in this madness, but please when you get home help me and ask him what exactly we did wrong that his generation seems hell bent on either wrecking us or wrecking the country for us now that our time has come.

Speaking of wrecking the country, over the last few days it seems Nigerians have decided to go full rogue on the menace that is the Special Anti-Robbery Squad (SARS). The hash tag #EndSARS has gone beyond trending on social media, and real life physical protests are being organized in parts of the country. My advice, if you strongly feel that this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed (as you should) kindly join either the online, offline or both platforms of the protests. Just be very careful as you go about this, cos this SARS people ehn they have MSc in brutality and ‘restoring to factory settings’. Like, if there was a University course on police beatings, that pot bellied SARS officer at your junction would be a professor of something, and maybe then you wouldn’t hate him so much. But don’t let that deter you please. If we don’t take back our country, who will?

Another issue I’d like to bring up is Hostel Accommodation in the University of Lagos. See for the very first time, the Wizard of Oz in charge of granting people bed space in the magical and fabulous castles of Eni-Njoku and Makama finally looked upon me with grace and gave me accommodation in school. For the first bloody time since I gained admission! The amount of money that has been spent on my accommodation expenses over the last 4 years is more than enough to buy and furnish a flat in some parts of Lekki. For those of you who (un)fortunately were not given accommodation, let me give you the same advice you’ve presented me with since 100level…better goan squat, or begin your own protests, or kill yourself, as I commence clearing of my bedspace while hoping that the bedbugs assigned to the room will die by fire in the mighty name of Jesus.

Today also marks day 53 of my sugar mummy quest and I’m not understanding again. First of, I see nothing wrong in securing your very own ‘glucose dispenser’ as it is becoming increasingly necessary to mitigate Nigeria’s harshness. If you wanna take the leap but you’re scared that your particular sugar daddy/mummy will be the type that likes using people for rituals lol, I’m sorry for you but it’s like you’re not ready. So they’ll use your destiny and make money ehen? And so what? You that has the destiny, what are you using it for like this please? Mtcheeeew better get serious. Also if any of you has the number for the sugar mummy WhatsApp group, please help a brother out.

My mother has also been on my neck that despite the number of females I’m rumored to know, I’m yet to introduce anyone of them to the family. Once again I had to strongly reassure her that this young man has no plans to settle down for at least the next 9 years thus, she should stop dreaming about beautiful grandchildren from my side for now. The thing is despite how utterly intelligent and beautiful (some of you literally look good enough to eat, better than chocolate in fact) you ladies are, you people don’t know what you want. The average Nigerian female thinks ‘shooting her shot’ means liking your picture on Instagram. Lmaoooo you are very mad. Do you know all the things I have to do and the lies I have to tell when shooting my shot with you? You’ll now come and double tap my picture and in your mind you’ve tried yeah? lol it seems you’re not ready for life and happiness with me, and so I happily enter into 2018 a single man with the world at his feet.

And finally on 2018, along with my resolutions which will be forgotten after the first week, I also intend on being the nicest and most approachable person there ever was. lol or at least I’ll try. Plus, Lionel Messi will be winning the 2018 World Cup with Argentina so that’s something to look forward to. And then there’s the Nigerian politics all geared towards the 2019 elections as we see these old men once again start their lies and false promises. What hope is there for a country where the top candidates for the top job are men who should, at best, be locked up in retirement homes (or prisons)? Sigh it is well.

As we march toward the new year, I rebuke, cast and bind the spirit of selective remembrance that plagues us as Nigerians. When something has failed in its totality, only a thorough, real and complete overhaul is required. Anything short of this is madness clothed in over priced agbada.

We don’t need a prophet, soothsayer or Commissioner for Happiness and Couple’s fulfilment to tell us that the time to act is Now!


Great Opara

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#endingtheyearRight🙌✌

1 Comment

  1. Good Piece. But how was the Gunpowder plot initiated for the wrong reasons? If i recall, it was orchestrated by an oppressed and persecuted sliver of a demographic of the country to counteract, to their opinion a tyrannical monarchy. Or wasn’t it?

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