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Category Archives: Barely Legal

ANOTHER SMOKY TALE

ANOTHER SMOKY TALE

Darkness descends faster around here, so fast you’re left wondering where the day went. It’s beautiful really, almost poetic. As the curtain is drawn and you glimpse the fading sunset, brutally honest thinking is required. The darkness asks for it…demands it even. When the darkness descends, man is left alone with his demons. No more running. It’s fight or flight bitch!

Stone approaches the kitchen door, confident that he shall find what he seeks inside. He can hear the voices already and as he opens it, the thick aromatic fragrance rushes to embrace him. Clouds everywhere help provide a veil for the activities going on inside, but to the initiated eye, the clouds are only a sign of better things to come. He approaches the kitchen counter and there they are: the council of elders. The Knights of the Templar. The Brotherhood of Cruise. The Brethren.

Pappy, standing across from Mamba, putting his hands and lips to good use. Xray, going through Instagram or something on his tablet, and finally Liberty, arms folded and waiting for Pappy to light up the blessings. Stone takes his position on top the ledge closest to the window, and The Brethren is gathered once again, let the deliberations begin. 

“Guy, where’d you buy this cruise from?” Stone asks.

Liberty laughs and there are conspiratorial grins from the others. 

“Just enjoy it” Pappy responds “forget about its origin”.

The fog gets thicker, as more resources are brought forward. All from the same headquarters which leads them to another discussion on just how much cheese Junior is making off of their continued patronage. The memes from social media are the next topic to be addressed. Then politics, history, the politics of history, the real and fake, the genuinely confusing…almost everything is touched. There have been disagreements and conflicts of opinion. Negotiation has been employed as well as other less savory tactics. Momentary truces and alliances have been formed and the council might be adjourning soon.

“How far that Yemisi babe na?” Pappy asks.

Stone pretends not to hear him. X-ray taps him on the shoulder repeatedly until he’s forced to address the issue on ground. Laughter is stifled as the boys give him the floor.

“She dey na” he replies “Shey she dey owe you money?

Nothing is held back this time as hearty laughter rings across the kitchen. Stone has shown that he’s not intimidated by their number. 

“How she go owe dey owe me money?” Pappy continues in his rich baritone voice “Oga will you answer me joor!”

More laughter.

“Ormoh! I had to free her matter. She has too much wahala” Stone says in mock irritation, at the same time pulling out his phone and sending ‘hey baby’, with the appropriate emoji, via text to the female in question.

Mamba quickly chips in “Ehn! Why she no go get wahala, you don collect wetin you dey find na, so she must surely get wahala”.

Sarcasm eagerly drips from his words, and the light is passed from hand to hand.

The Yemisi situation is quite complicated and explaining would be a chore, so Stone is content to sit and let them guffaw to their hearts content. X-ray smiles intently at his tab, the goofiest of smiles. Instantly attention is diverted to his market.

“See as he’s smiling” Pappy tackles him “very soon now you go dey chase person away cos you wan use room”

The light flickers as everyone joins in the joke. X-ray only smiles at his tab when he’s expecting company. Liberty looks around and asks for a status update. He is duly informed by Mamba that the ceremony must be discontinued because all the trees had been set ablaze.

Liberty walks to the door, pauses and turns to bring up what might possibly be the last two matters arising.

“How far chow? And when we dey go jack?”

Exams are in less than a week. Asuu had scammed them. So much school work to cover, so little time. All five of them ask themselves why they hadn’t stuck to their beginning of semester plans of reading everyday. Again, there are no answers. The light finally flickers off permanently and only then are our heroes reminded that darkness has truly descended.

Plans are made regarding food and education. Stone’s phone vibrates with the full force of Yemisi’s reply. Encouraged by her unique choice of words he continues the conversation, as they all file out of the kitchen.

They make their way with confident steps and firm faces, walking to the tune of the different songs playing in their different heads. Some times however, the song is the same across all platforms and those are the truly special moments.

Upon reaching the main road, the council has one finale debate on the particular order the next three to four hours would take. Let the records show that this particular decision was reached through absolute consensus, amid several highly favorable comments.

Just as the journey is about to begin, Stone brings forth another option.

“Why don’t we go buy another bag instead?”

Side eyes all around.

They size him up like one would regard a madman and he laughs and repeats the question.

The opposition is strong and thorough but he stands his ground.

Three minutes later, the plan has changed.

Stone walks in front, now completely engaged in the conversation with Yemisi. She’s typing things that would excite even a Priest. Our boy is anything but a Reverend, so he replies with gusto.

X-ray is to his left, still focused on his tab as he considers the fastest way to clear the room.

Pappy walks behind, already thinking about going back for his pink pills.

Beside him is Liberty who is eyeing a group of females so hard it’s almost like he’s trying to rip their clothes off with his gaze.

Mamba brings up the rear, his mind occupied with his digital bet slip and the possibility that tonight just might be the night his ancestors listen to his pleas.

Five men, directing their singular energies towards the fulfilment of a common objective.

Five men working with time.

Five men united by the flame.

Darkness has completely engulfed the earth and the night is ripe for adventure. The Brethren shall reconvene.
Great Opara

 

9 MOST IRRITATING THINGS DONE BY MOST NIGERIANS

1) SKIPPING THE TOP AND BOTTOM OF THE SLICED LOAF OF BREAD: okay lemme explain why this irritates me personally, if it was the whole loaf bread (agege bread) in our home my brothers would eat it all and atimes they resort to even begging for my share (which I don’t occasionally give) but if you buy sliced bread they would skip the first and last slice pretending as if it has been reserved for the invisible spirit at home. On the plus side the rats at home are always happy to see the two ignored slice of bread.

2) YOUR MUM’S FRIEND INSIST YOU CALL THEM MUMMY: some even go as far as adding big mummy to the title. It irks me .I know my mum, her name is the only one on  my birth  certificate, the lady in question might not even  have attended  your naming ceremony, you aren’t even my mum’s relative, so why would you tell me to address you as big mummy when you are not even a distant relative. I don’t understand the big deal in simply addressing you as Mrs. Lagbaja (do so at your risk shaa slaps are still in existence)

3) ASO-EBI: all I know is my mum has bought enough aso ebi to feed a little country. The most irritating part is that she considers them an investment (without any legal binding contract) so when it’s our turn also they would buy, no offense so some of these fabrics are so ugly and uncomfortable, I remember a particular one that itched her skin so much she didn’t make it past the door before stripping the spongy lace off.

4) TRIBALISM: it exists fully. My Ibo friends are mostly discussed about as lacking respect. I the Yoruba one isn’t also denied the usual conversation line of “that’s how Yoruba people behave”. The Hausa man is now tagged as a terrorist or dirty aboki, the Ibos don’t pay house rents and debts, the Yoruba are gossips and cheats. The fact that our parent contribute to this notion is not also helpful, then most people come to unilag with one big wrong cultural misconception against the poor Yoruba or Igbo roommate.

5)ATTITUDE TOWARDS DATING: your parent raise you in such a way that you even know the idea of having a relationship that is public knowledge to them before you are 21 is a suicide mission but when you are almost 22 they start singing wedding to you as if you have been allowed to date since 16. Please wait mummy and daddy what is the website for instant husband and wife or will it be delivered by cargo or can I get one sent through flash share?

6) THE WAY THEY EXAGERRATE YOUR GROWTH: apparently the last time some of them saw you the only things that mattered to you were Mr. GoodyGoody, Caparison and Speedy biscuit, of course I would have grown, it is nature it’s not magic stop acting as if it happened overnight or start observing me like a specimen and finally please do not ask me if I still remember you to avoid gross disappointment.

7) POOR DESCRIPTION: they call, you respond, they send you on an errand that even Google search would find hard to deliver, this situation there are two things involved scenario one: you go and return to be sent back to get another thing that was forgotten in the first errand. While scenario two you go and return empty handed then they go and they find it somewhere that was excluded in the description of the first errand sent and guess what???? You get blamed for not finding the item in question!

8) PRICING: so your mum spends close to thirty minutes pricing something from 10 naira to two naira and when the buyer finally agrees, your mum then informs him that she has only 1 naira. You are doomed if you complain that you are tired and she should just pay up, the best thing to do here is just mutter a silent prayer that the bargain is fast.

9)ACCENTS: I don’t mind if you have adopted a foreign accent but I would mind if you haven’t decided if the accent you speak in is American ,British or Ghanaian. Furthermore, please make sure you speak in that accent all through the duration of our conversation if not you would just be providing me with hot gist later with my babes
Written by Dolapo Omotoso

 
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Posted by on August 25, 2017 in Barely Legal

 

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FIX ME

Here I am crouched down ,on the floor of my kitchen picking up the pieces of the ceramic plates I was given by my mother on my wedding day. I look down at the smashed pieces and know they can never fit into place or be as beautiful as they were ,even if I try to piece them back with the strongest adhesives.

 The china plates are forever smashed and broken like my soul. I wander away in my thoughts only to feel warm liquid spill down my fingertips…I then realized I cut myself,I become mesmerized by the color and shade of my blood and how accustomed I have become to seeing it flow. I bring out my dairy from the kitchen drawers  I keep them in and record this cut but instead of putting my entry under its  usual header ,I record it as self inflicted cause this one hasn’t been caused by Tunji . Tunji ,the  only love of my life,who paints a picture of our beautiful illusion of what we call a marriage on social media.

Last week I was his woman crush Wednesday (WCW). I saw it on Instagram with my fist covered black eye. My husband even put in efforts into the post and captioned it …”to my Olamide…God created you for me..#wcw…”

I couldn’t help but smile through the pain ,of course I was created for you Tunji,I perfectly know when he needs  to  punch my face, I know when I have to run to safety but most importantly I know about the beautiful strength of makeup and how it can help conceal the biggest scars ,you cannot be the wife of Mr CEO and be spotting a black eye at a red carpet event…No totally unacceptable!!

Tunji came at a time he was really needed , my mother hooked us up,her daughter needed a big man husband and Mr CEO needed a beautiful trophy wife. I never really learnt to take a stand in life ,if mother said yes, I echoed it. Two months ,two dirty slaps and some nasty bruises after meeting Tunji, he just walks into my home to inform me that we are getting married and my mother and him already picked a date for the wedding .Tunji always being the social media savvy guru ,planned a social media worthy proposal with the lights ,roses ,picked out my dress for it and made me take pictures of my ring to post online. The Abiola’s  deserved a  “Bellanaija ” wedding with all the pomp and pageantry and we got it. We drank and danced to our union . I never knew I drank to my slavery.

Two years with him ,I know what days I get a fist ,a kick or plates tossed at me. However,i have a diary where I have learnt to actually use my voice to express my scars and pains . I need a haven to record my miscarriages and fractures. This diary is my record of the “Joys of marriage“. In the  words of my mother “a woman is nothing without her husband “and my experience is what makes my marriage what it is.

So yes ,like my Ceramic plates I am broken,smashed and beyond repair . Just waiting for the day a punch would lead to my final moments of pain and grant me eternal rest. On that  day I hope my diary gives me a lemonade worthy voice .

Written By Dolapo Omotoso

Published By Great Opara

 
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Posted by on March 1, 2017 in Barely Legal

 

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Contemplating Suicide; by Mayowa Folami

Anna.

Anna knew it was time to ask for help, she had waited and endured so long but her spirit was wavering and she reached the point where she couldn’t fight no more.

She sat on her fake leopard print fur rug staring at her marble table. She was disoriented, she kept staring at the items on the table, a sharp bread knife, a liquid insecticide and a plastic of pills. Just an hour ago, she was going to take the high road and choose death but then even though every bone in her body told her to do it, that they were too tired to live, there was Anna…to her, death was not an option but she found herself contemplating it.

She laughed but it sounded more like tears, she had suffered too much to die by the hands of a bread knife, how ironical; that what was used to feed her would kill her. Then she took the insecticide,
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THE NOVELTY MATCH

The traditional curtain raiser in the sports calendar of the faculty of law between the faculty team and the year 1(freshers) and an opportunity for the sports secretary to impress. This match took place on Friday 22nd January 2016. The Result from last year was 2:1 in favor of the faculty team.
The lineups for both team were Faculty team: Bishop,Deola, Segun,Macho, Aloma, Ore,ID, Yemi Adebo, Russell, Seyi Law, Jide. Substitutes: Ivan, Samba, Kay, Varlo, Cabo, Dormo. Coach: Quasim
The Lineup for the freshers: Ugbah, Apilaka Peace, Damola, Nelson, Khalil, Omio, Semilore, Adrian, Daniel, Efe, Ayo. Substitutes: N/A  Coach: N/A

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Financial Statement… #RESURGENCE

The Executives of the LSS 2015/16 administration tagged “Team Resurgence” in its quest and in the spirit of accountability wishes to make known to members of the students body, especially those with misconceptions, the state of finances of the society as at the beginning of the administration.

DEBTS:
Eko Hotel –  #2,500,000
(Paid: Mr Mike – #2,000,000.  LSS: #500,000)

Cocktail debt from Law dinner – #150,000

Lex Observer – #120,000

Face of Law – #15,000 and phone

Law dinner after party venue – #30,000

#Resurgence

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2016 in Barely Legal

 

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COURSE REGISTRATION!

COURSE REGISTRATION!

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Its one day to the deadline for course registration.  Obedience is better than sacrifice.  Kindly obey this instruction so as not to sacrifice your semester. Register now even if only your core courses and edit later. No extension of the deadline and no excuses will be entertained.

PRO
08061507641
#Resurgence

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2016 in Barely Legal

 

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