Category Archives: Columns



Hi there! Can I have your attendance…sorry attention? I’m Ignis, and I want to engage y’all on the aforementioned subject matter. And no, this is not a Biology lesson (it was Biology right?). 

   Anyways, moving right on,…this post is centered around Nigerian people from Imo State, and how their Governor has been representing lately. Now, it probably is no longer news that there is a huge statue somewhere in Imo state that I hear cost over half a billion naira. The bone of contention now is not even the statue itself but why it was built…and why so much money had to be pumped into it. Well, here’s why: Mr. Rochas Okorocha is a rich man. Period. Rich men, everywhere in the world, and especially in Nigeria, are known to spend their “hard earned money”  on whatever venture they so desire. Moreso, uncle Rochas runs a charity (whose activities are not quite clear, but which is a charity anyways) which has been a beneficiary of the “contribution(s)” of the very benevolent president of South Africa, Mr. Jacob Zuma, and it was absolutely necessary for him to use that much money to build such a gigantic structure to honour his contribution to his charity thus far. What better way to honour and appreciate a friend than to build him a statue several feet above the ground, as long as you have the money? Also, if you really look at Mr. Zuma, you’ll find that his own people have rejected him. Saying all sorts of bad things about him when all he really wanted to do was drag them backwards. The only statue that was built in the man’s memory in his own hometown was nothing short of a caricature…hence, the need to find solace in the extravagant spendthrift that is Rochas Okorocha. Oh, I hear a street was also named after him, and of course, he was given a title. Very commendable action if you ask me…I mean considering the fact that there are some people in Imo state that feed from hand to mouth,… others who have mediocre sources of income, the next step as a responsible governor is to erect a statue.

   I’m curious though….as to what exactly that statue symbolises, because trust me, I do not know. Also, does it really make that much sense to build a statue that costly considering the fact that another governor might pull it down and see how much more important and less embarrassing projects can be achieved. But then, what’s my business? I’m only saying this because I’m not a rich man, or rich man’s son. Probably my dad would do something of that nature too maybe? But I guess we’d never know because there isn’t that kind of money in the account, at least not that I know of. Ehen, I also wanted to ask,… Ermmm…this statue, how is it going to generate more revenue for Imo state? Is it that I have to pay to look at it?  As in like a tourist attraction? And also, I hope Chief Jacob Zuma was given a permanent residence and citizenship of Imo state too? I think it would make sense though, because that way, he can contest the gubernatorial seat, win it, and then erect a statue of Mr. Rochas Okorocha in return of the favour. No, seriously, that would be genius. It’s Nigeria after all. I’m actually expecting to hear that a football stadium or a road in Jacob Zuma’s hometown has been named after Rochas Okorocha,…otherwise I’d be quite pissed because it’d be unfair not to return such a magnanimous favour, for something that was undefined and no one can tell exactly what it was you did to merit it. Anyway, if I go on and on about this roach, I’ll probably be hunted down because it’s a hit at an executive citizen of Nigeria, so I’ll stop. 

   In other news, who’s heard about Zimbabwe’s new WhatsApp policy? The one where you have to be a graduate of a certain University to be group admin??

Written by Mayowa Akinyemi


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   Hi there, I’m Ignis. And yes, I’m still very much alive, thank you. I’ve been home for an eternity now and a lot has been happening: From one strike to another, and then insurgency, ant-terrorism (something about some serpent dancing), and most of all,….a “struggle for another Biafra“. You see that last one? That’s what I want to talk about today.

  Now, I’ve been seeing posts by “celebs” and other relevant parties, some (definitely unemployed or unencumbered) youth talking about dialogue and how the whole Biafra issue is gonna affect us negatively, and I’m over here like “Una dey mad??” Who’s scared of a war?? Let’s fight this war! I’m in support! Is it not backwardness we’re used to in this country?? Is it not what we appreciate?? And low key, do we, each and all, not just want a “nation” comprising only our tribe? Which is obviously the solution to the problem that “the White man created”? We were doing just fine in our own tribes and villages and there was no Nigeria. There was no need for a Nigeria. But then, some idiot with the moustache came and did amalgamation and united everybody as one against our will. Nonsense! We don’t want! Why be Nnamdi Azikiwe, when you can be Nnamdi Kanu?? Why don’t we let the ramblings of one man -who until recently, had been abroad and observing the leadership (or lack thereof) of this country, and by creating some wiseass radio station, is now agitating for what ought to have been done since,- move us forward and in the right direction?? Why are we so resistant to change?? The only way forward is to all go our separate ways! Let the Igbos go with their Yaba and Marina markets, their Iheanacho, their PSquare, their Tekno, and their Ofe Nsala, ain’t nobody need that sh*t! Let the Hausas go with their Obioma, their expertise in shoe shining and money changing, let them go with their plenty money, their fine babes, and their tomatoes, we do not want! We’re done! Let’s have Biafra, Northern Nigeria, and Southwestern Nigeria with Lagos as the capital, (the rest of you cannot have your own country, you’re in the minority), and let’s see how well that works. That’d be great, yeah? So, if you have an Igbo landlord in Lagos and you’re still trying to save up for rent, stop! Use that money to buy an AK-47 and when the landlord comes asking for his bar, you step up to him like bang dada dang, and open fire on the “fool” like “Skrrrrraaa! Pop pop ka ka ka! Skibbi did pop pop!” and “Brrrr boom poom poom!” Nonsense! Whatever happens next is your responsibility though, my own is to incite madness and ignorance..

  Seriously though, I like the way this is all going,…cause at this rate, we’ll all be free of each other and we’ll be a much better…..confederation or whatever? We’ll sha be on our own, it’s easier to be led by someone that’s your kinsman, so that you don’t come here and start lying against Buhari and Jonathan, see Brazil? No problem. See India? No problem. See Britain? No problem. See Jamaica? No problem. Let’s be like those ones, and leave all these other dumbass Africans in their stagnancy. Even Trump realises that too many peoples in one entity issa problem. For example, if the slaves had returned to their land after “civilisation“, we wouldn’t have the Kardashians

  So, guys, that’s basically it for today, but before I go, who else has noticed that everyone seems to be using this Whatsapp status feature as a cheaper alternative to Snapchat??
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi

Disclaimer: The views herein expressed are strictly that of the writer. The Lss Blog assumes no responsibility for whatever interpretation may be made of its content.


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To make someone disappear, ask them to fulfil their promises”- Mason Cooley.

    Hi, it’s Ignis again. First off, I don’t know who Mason Cooley is. Second, I think the aforementioned quote is the reason that there is an absence of the elected president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The man came and made promises…and just like always, we fell for them, but when it came time to perform and make good on those promises, he….vanished. Before I go further, this post addresses two disappearing acts: that of PMB and that of the man known as “Evans“. (For clarity, the name “Evans”, is the inspiration for this topic).

    Now, to PMB. It is no longer news to anyone that our president loves to travel. And you know, somewhere in the Guide To Being Irresponsible, it is stated clearly that the next best thing after a solid ten hour sleep, is to leave your duty post and delegate all your assignments to your next-in-chain-of-command and just abscond on a journey of several other journeys just before dying. You know what I define as irresponsibility? It’s not having a lackadaisical attitude to your duties or obligations as much as it is asking for the opportunity to bear a burden that you know is well beyond you. And that’s fine, we’re used to it. Matter of fact, for those who were around between 2007 and shortly thereafter, this feels like déjà vu. Irresponsibility is in our very culture, and I’m sure my migos can relate to that. My actual problem is that Nigerians are here talking about restructuring all over the place like we don’t know how it’ll all play out in the end. People are over here clamouring, some for secession, others for so far undefined rehabilitation of the state of affairs while those with all the money are getting major bag alerts. It’s a sad story indeed. Even this Nnamdi Kanu or what’s his name shouting “Biafra” upandan is just using you people to create hype around himself. Lol. The truth of the matter is that we all know that there will not be any restructuring at all but just like the exceptionally wise creations that we are, we choose to deceive ourselves by taking to media to hashtag the topic. Low key, I’m just over here waiting earnestly for Beyonce to drop the load she’s carrying so that Linda Ikeji can have something meaningful to post about for a change. Well for those of you who are still waiting for PMB to come back from wherever and wave his Midas hand over Nigeria and restructure the already deficient materials with which this entity, Nigeria was built,……I salute your patience and amazing threshold for bull crap. And that’s putting it lightly.
    I’d like for us to please talk about Mr. Evans. This man is a very interesting personality. Matter of fact, I dare call him a celeb. The Pablo of our time. It is people like this that make tabloids sell. But before we go into his own disappearing act, let us briefly look into his criminal life. Now, this man has been into every shady business you can think of, most notably armed robbery and kidnapping for so many years and somehow he managed to stay under the radar….or maybe he was settling relevant law enforcement authorities for a while but then things turned sour and now they’re trying to make it all look like a Hollywood storyline. This Evans guy was such a sensation that the police officers couldn’t resist a snapchat session with him. They took the guy in, gave him all the basic necessities of life, and called it an arrest ,………than all of a sudden, he “vanished”. Lol. Nigerians are actually wonderful. They believe Evans escaped. Evans that probably had this all figured out from the beginning. Get “arrested”, make headlines, “threaten” the police, and mysteriously disappear from custody, and from the face of the earth altogether….creating more headlines. Just like it is in Narcos. I actually won’t be surprised if someone made a movie out of Evans. I actually expect to start seeing memorabilia of the (in)famous son of several fathers. I bet Anini and Sina Rambo are somewhere looking on at this Evans guy with some special kind of pride. Hmmm…the truth is, I feel like the guy is underrated and under celebrated. I mean, how can I have so much blood and so much money on my hands and not get my own reality show?? OJ Simpson was more popular for the case against him than for being an NFL player, so, what then are we talking about?? I’d actually be annoyed if there wasn’t a cinematic reproduction of the chronicles of this legend. He deserves it. After all, we know what Nigeria does to people like that, they never actually go to jail. They just get amnesty and go to live a quiet life somewhere. Or even participate actively in politics….it’s the structure that we’re used to. Anyways, I think I’ve said enough for one article. I’ve got to get to church for the “Special Prayer for the return of our President” prayer meeting (the entirety of which I would be using WiFi). So, on that note, I rest my pen…

     Uhm, can someone please help me to help a brother who’s been stuck on a canoe somewhere in Ajah since Saturday please? Thank you. And while you’re at it, kindly send me a direct link to those pictures of Blac Chyna that were leaked by her bae….I need them for a project. Thank you…
Written By Mayowa Akinyemi
Published By Great Opara


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Hi there, it’s Ignis. Without much ado,… I’m talking about abuse against women,…by men (kinda why I chose the word “MALEvolence“)……okay, that was a failed joke…let’s get down to business shall we please?

  I’ve been seeing, and hearing various stories of women being abused by their husbands and or partners….From Tonto Dikeh or Churchill whatever….to Mercy Aigbe….and that’s just the ones you hear about. Oh, yeah, there’s also Karabo Mokoena or something. But unfortunately, I’m not here to sympathise with anybody. Man beating woman is absolutely none of my business. I’m actually here to “analyse” the situation with as much bias as possible.

   Now what makes a man want to beat his wife? Or any woman for that matter? Some of you would say bad upbringing or mental disorder….well while these are plausible reasons, there is also the fact that the woman herself is a troublemaker: always nagging, not preparing food regularly,…letting her high salary get to her, or general lack of submission to her husband. I mean, ladies, you should know all these things get to men! You can’t just come up with some attitude at the expense of a man’s stomach….or start nagging him about bills when the game is on,…or start demanding an explanation for the lipstick on his collar or Trojan in his trouser pocket….such a man has the moral right to react in any manner he deems fit or necessary, even if it means going all Anthony Joshua on you. So, take note. It’s a universally known fact that the majority of abuses on women are caused by the women. Take a look at this….a woman knows a man is not entirely mentally or emotionally stable, but because the instability doesn’t extend to his pocket, she lies against love and enters a lifetime commitment with such a man, flooding everybody’s timeline with the relationship in pictures, and then when he short fuses and breaks flower vase on her head for refusal to engage in sexual relations with him,…she’ll start crying on Linda Ikeji’s blog. Ain’t nobody got time for that oh. Especially the celebrity victims, they think we’re interested in their cries for help. Nonsense! Like we don’t know it’s an arrangement between them and blog administrators to attract more traffic and fans to both parties. Really the only thing they get is more fame and fan following because they’ve low key done the needful by separating from the “monster” till a compromise or whatever can be reached. So they don’t need sympathy or “help”. They don’t press charges (at least not here) after all. It’s just all a “wash”. So, please, let’s stop wasting money on #NoToDomesticViolence campaigns, and let’s channel all that energy into more profitable ventures like Big Brother Naija for example.
   Now, the case of the “Southie” babe, man, that one really got me. The way people went around scolding (for the use of lenient words) the boyfriend of a lady (named Karabo) for burning his now ex girlfriend to ashes. Now, let me put the question to you, if you’re trying to tap on your father’s windscreen/windshield and you accidentally crack it, wouldn’t you rather just break the whole thing so, that way it’s easier for everyone involved? Yes? Exactly! So why then was everybody attacking that young man?? He accidentally killed his girlfriend, so he had to burn her up since she was already dead after all, and so everyone should have closure. I don’t understand how some social media users reason sha. Complicating such a logical something,…it just goes to show how y’all think.
  Anyways, I have to make a call to my own immediate ex girlfriend who unfortunately has been traumatized since a suicide bomber blew up the venue of her concert leaving so many people dead and injured. Now that she’s vulnerable, maybe I’ll be able to take advantage of things and you know,….

   By the way, who else has been a victim of trying to get food at any time past ten in the ninight
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi


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  “If at first you try (to get help from someone), and fail, then try, try blackmail”- Ignis

     Hi there. We’re gathered here to witness another of the many attributes which make us so….unique, in this country. Before I forge ahead, Happy Easter in arrears, I hope everyone enjoyed their easter bunny like I did mine (trust me, she had a good time).

     Today, I want to engage us on something some of us probably already know about. So, some while back, I heard about the story of a young woman who pleaded with a certain man of God to help deliver her from her prostitution, which is an otherwise very respectable profession, and I wonder why I don’t see it in Linked In profiles. Anyway, the man of God, together with his wife, did what he could to save the woman. But, unfortunately, the woman assumed she had seen “awoof” and therefore decided to press for more. Upon hearing that nothing more could be done for her, she resorted to classic Nollywood blackmail. Herself and her boyfriend. I honestly don’t know what to say on the matter because I know women blackmail people of repute, you know, just so people can talk about them, and the men in turn, whether they’re involved or not, will deny involvement. So, I will attack the woman. Attack her because of all the kinds of men she could mess around with, she chose a “man of God”, and of all men of God, one in charge of a ministry named “Omega Fire Ministries“?? Like what was she even thinking?? She literally went to play with fire. I mean, we all know that pastors and church leaders are among the richest and most comfortable in this country (as a result of the fact that every service rakes in unimaginable amounts of money. Some for honest Christian endeavors, others, well…), but nothing is more stupid than to bring such a game to a ministry with the word “fire” in it. Nigerians don’t use “fire” anyhow, so if you hear “fire” then that’s what it is. And now she’s been burned. Wait, I heard the man, upon hearing the lady’s threats, actually told her to bring it on, and she still did. Hian. I think she should have tried something better like maybe actually doing the act, then having a child by him, that would’ve been destructive. These days, empires are brought down with a lot more than just trying to induce someone into paying you off. I don’t even get it, if nothing happened, then where’s the blackmail?? This story just messes with my head! Anyways, the bone of contention for me has never been the story behind the blackmail, no, no. The fact that the apostle wants to sue, and rightfully so, is what intrigues me.

    The media reported that this Man of God is demanding a billon naira in damages for having exposed him unduly, and having defamed him. It’s quite unusual, for men of God with such spiritual acumen as the man in question, to bother taking up a case like this in court, especially since the lady’s family had confirmed that their daughter is a mentally unfit person, and that the allegations were wrong, I’d expect the apostle to release a statement telling us something like “My God has fought my battles. I am vindicated” that sorta thing, but plaintiff in a court case? Rare. Very rare. As if it’s not enough that the apostle is taking up the case in court, he’s demanding a billion! And if you ask me, I’ll say it’s what Yoruba people call “aseju“. I mean, who has a billion naira to pay in damages?? In Nigeria?? If the Lady was so buoyant, would we even be here?? The truth is that the Apostle’s public relations officer is really good at propaganda and by virtue of that, is dragging this issue farther than is necessary. But then, that’s what Nigerians love. We love revelling in gist. Especially where somebody’s reputation is at risk. The Apostle probably planned this thing with the lady sef, just to entertain you guys, or win souls over to the church, because low key, this has strengthened some people’s faith in Omega Fire Ministries, and you can be sure some extra money is rolling in. On the one billion naira issue though, Apostle needs to calm down, in order not to appear to be starting a blackmail of his own. Nobody in West Africa would give you that much for dragging your name in the mud. Look at our “Jona” for example, we humiliated that man, made nasty memes of him, rubbished him on Twitter, and yet, not a kobo was paid to his account as per damages. He didn’t even bring an action. That’s a man who understands the dynamics of his people. It didn’t matter to him what we did to him and his Dame, he took it in good stride because he already got what he wanted. So, Apostle sir, kindly take a cue, and drop the matter. 

    In other news, the eighth instalment in the Fast and Furious has dropped in Nigeria. Just in time for the semester break. So, enjoy! If I were you though, I’d wait two weeks so I can go with my docket and pay #500 at Ozone for the same experience. 

     By the way, is it true that Baba now works from home??
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi
Published by Great Opara


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Hi there. I’m Ignis. I welcome you to another serving of twisted versions of “gist” “as e dey hot”. Let me just
briefly introduce what’s on the menu for today. I know at least 60% of you don’t know the meaning of the topic
for today. That’s to show that you need more time on the Thesaurus than on your snapchat. Hopefully, you can
grasp the message from the writeup. If you’re still waiting for an intro, you just missed it.

Okay, so, the business of today. About a week ago, precisely Sunday, I heard some rather disturbing news of
someone who jumped off the Third Mainland Bridge. It wasn’t disturbing because it was a suicide, as you all
know that’s not my business. One less depressed person on the same traffic lane with me. But it was disturbing
because I keep hearing people talking about suicide and self destruction and such things like it’s supposed to be
a solution to a certain problem. I mean take for example people who go about cutting themselves and hurting
themselves because someone called them “fat” or “ugly“. Ogbeni till today, there’s someone that still calls me
kebab” because of my legs. And I didn’t die. And I wouldn’t die. Not because of that. Now, let me just ask you
this, what could be so wrong with you that you would want to kill yourself?? Recession? Poor grades? Lost your
virginity (any how that happened)? Lost a job? You’re not alone! I’m sorry but I can’t relate to someone taking
their own life because they had some “serious” problem. Did you know that to every problem lies a variety of
solutions excluding suicide?? It’s like some people don’t know how hard it is for a person to let go of his life.
Even if you haven’t seen it happen to a person (like I have), try killing an animal and see how it is. Don’t worry, in
this part of the world, there are no rules prohibiting you from killing an animal at your discretion.

Back to the
suicide issue, I still am yet to see that problem that only death can solve. I mean, taking your own life is just
cowardly. Giving up just like that. Leaving so many people behind with burdens of grief, serious pain, some guilt,
and maybe even starting another chain of suicides. If you feel you’re going through one phase that nobody has
ever been through, or one phase that’s too much to bear, please, go see a therapist, or white garment “alagba”.
But then, some people don’t even want to hear any advice because they’ve made up their minds that taking their
life is the ultimate solution. Well, everything boils down to choice. If what you want is to end your life, feel free.
Leave the struggle for the rest of us that don’t know where the throat is. Or those of us that are totally happy and
without problems. Leave us here, and go on to that place where you (think you) will have rest.

It’s alright. I mean
who am I to judge? We’re all low key committing suicide somehow. Yes. Doing a course that’s probably not
meant for us. Paying for BQ through our noses. Trying to look rich without necessarily having any bar. It is slow,
but steady suicide. Even I writing this, am committing a form of suicide because some people will read my stuff
and slam me for being insensitive. To quote a certain Law lecturer, “Sorry about that“. Like I always say, this
Lounge permits very little show of any sensitivity. I’m supposed to be blunt, and unapologetically so.

Suicide, as aforementioned, is a thing of choice. It is also a demonic something, but, what do I know about
spirituality? Probably very little. But I know this: there are two solutions to every problem in life. The physical
(therapy), and spiritual (holy cane). However, where there is a case of someone who would rather just give it all
up instead of giving their all, hanging down from something instead of just hanging in, please, and please, leave
such a person be. Such has made his mind up. It is advisable not to feed or clothe such a person though. Things
are now so costly abeg. Make sure they have no Internet access. Shey, they want to die abi? And most
importantly, do not give them a notepad and pen, because they’ll just write a couple of words (ultimately
insulting your intelligence, and ability to have a more positive impact on their life, low key subbing you for being
one of the reasons they have to kill themselves) and call it suicide note.

I think I’ve already written enough to make my point. Anything more than this and I’ll be labelled a maniac. So,
plix, on this note, I rest my case.
I’ve done what I can. It just isn’t worth it anymore. I wish I could go on, but I can’t. Please don’t cry for me. And don’t feel guilty either. It is not your fault. It’s just me. I’m sorry, but this is the best way. Goodbye.“- my Land law

By the way, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I feel like the case of the girl that died after returning “from
seeing man
” was not properly reported in the newspapers. And I wonder if the man had anything to do with it?

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi


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Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.“- Martin Luther King Jnr (at least I saw his pic against the
quote). Also, “Justice will not be served until those unaffected by it are as outraged as those affected” – Guy on
the hundred dollar bill.

Hi. It’s me again. Welcome to what I hope will stir you a little. I was just on my own using WiFi to check my IG
when I happened upon a picture of a woman who looked like she just got a mad tattoo, as in Michael Scofield
kind of tattoo. Upon closer look, and a glance at the comments, I realized it was marks from a serious beating, a
beating that was aptly delivered by our friends in khakis. First thing that came to mind is how she’s still alive, and
why she was beaten. Now, the answer to latter is quite funny. The woman challenged a soldier for having
slapped her brother – which she had the right to, but as we know, the inconsistent nature of our judicial system
doesn’t cater to certain things. I mean, the law enforcement people have better things to do with their time.

Now, now, my question is this: what kind of Nigerian person challenges a military officer for anything?? These
guys have unlimited power! If they don’t like your face, they can beat it into shape, and you can’t do anything.
They have absolute power. They’re the only guys that can assault you mentally and of course otherwise, and
nothing happens. So, I wonder why we think taking pictures, sharing on Facebook, and retweeting will change
the status quo. Look at the other disabled guy they beat, didn’t they still smile with him later on? The only real
reason they’d do that is because they love you. Just like your parents after they punish you and still smile with
you later on. It doesn’t mean they won’t still slap you within the hour. It’s just the way life is. So, this scenario is
like challenging your parents for slapping you, or one of your siblings. Are you high?? You’re only setting yourself
up for a beat down. And you’d eventually spite yourself for doing “over sabi” because low key, the only thing this
woman gained from standing up for her brother was internet infamy and scars that will only remind her that
some fights are not yours. Unfortunately, she’s had to learn her lesson the hard way. You don’t hit the tiger for
being a beast, you steer clear of it! Otherwise, you pay dearly, like a certain English soccer team after Tuesday
last week. I’m not saying that you should not stand up for the rights you think you’re entitled to as a “bloody
civilian”, I’m saying when you do so, you should be ready to bear the consequences. And this also applies to
people who publish open letters without anonymity, because if and when you’re caught, you’ll be beaten like
butter. I’ve said my own. A word is enough. But because some are not wise, I’ve taken the pain to write a
thousand to sensitize us not only to the need for a restructuring of the system that should be enforcing our
rights, but also, the need to mind our own damn business. Thank you.

I guess I’m done for this episode. Some people probably think I’m crazy for this. Well…. I’m only trying to
protect your best interests. Till next time, I’ve been Ignis, and thanks for dropping by.
By the way, if you have not collected bread from your local government, you’re on a long thing oh!

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

1 Comment

Posted by on March 18, 2017 in Columns, The Wild Lounge


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