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Category Archives: Chronicles of the Illegally Legal

CHRONICLES OF THE ILLEGALLY LEGAL S2 E6

There comes a time in a man’s life when he must sit down, look within himself and truly reflect upon his existence in general and whether or not things are going well for his immortal soul. This point in life has been called several names; some call it a moment of clarity, others call it sober reflection et cetera, but regardless of whatever title it holds the essence of said reflection is that…in that moment, man is truly honest with himself.

The time is 4am and I am currently undergoing my own moment of clarity. I am sitting behind the counter at the Unilag Security Post along with about one million and one other human beings. In simpler terms, we’re all locked up at Alpha Base. Like the real base o. The base of the Alphas. The home of the men in blue. The cabal. The evil fores…shaa you get the point. I’ve never been so confused in my life. Imagine being woken up by armed security men (we all know there’s no bullet in the gun but just stay with me please) by 2am because your neighbour lodged a complaint that she left her room door open to goan bathe and when she came back some of her stuff was missing. And the next logical thing was for the Alphas to come, pound on our doors like mad people, rouse us all from sweet sleep and then transport us to the evil forest where our judgement awaits. Do y’all see all the many many things wrong with this current state of affairs?

Amean, my roommates and I were even forming baddos and we drove our own car here simply cos we couldn’t enter their van to come and go to the Base. Ahn Ahn think about it nw. Chairmen like us and we’ll nw goan enter that their dirty, rusty, broken down, formerly white contraption, when we have ride? The gods forbid it. We drove here, blasting music through the speakers and all…chilled life really. We were under the impression that it was a basic issue and all we had to do was simply show up, declare our innocence and they would bid us goodbye and farewell, maybe even apologise for the inconvenience they caused us. Loool yunno when you use your own two legs to enter gbese? On top matter that we know nothing about.

It’s now 2pm, I have been here since 2am. That’s twelve hours people of god. Once again, I’m so confused. In these twelve hours, I’ve come to truly understand just how effective the criminal justice system of our dear country is. See, you can do Criminal Law two times or even four times sef depending on how much you love the course, but you’ll never really…appreciate it until you undergo your very own, well tailored, personal experience. You might have crammed Okonkwo and Naish from beginning to end but until you’re behind the counter and one potbellied old illiterate is giving you all those ‘Jack Bauer’ type of threats, you cannot adequately comprehend the injustice of criminal justice.

All the other humans I came along with are giving me side eye and looks that say “no be this guy wey talk say e be law student?”. I really do not care anymore, after all most engineering students can’t even fix fan. And all the Department of English students I know prefer Yoruba to English, and not just any Yoruba o but the very very thick one that you have to be a true son of the soil before you can understand. When we first got here and I still had energy, I was busy ranting and quoting all the sections and laws pertaining to illegal detainment and fundamental human rights, while the Baba of the Base was just looking at me and smiling like “see this idiot, you never jam”. Now, almost 13hours later and without food in my system, the only relevant law I can think of is the law of the jungle which says Only The Strong Will Survive. I know that last last, I cannot kuku die. Even though this entire situation is designed to destroy any and all hope you might possess. Like, when we got here someone was chained to the wall…by his feet. And it’s not handcuffs or rope o, real bastard chain. All these industrial types that they use in factories and all. I almost felt sorry for the young man back then but now he has been released while we still remain here. These people are staring at us as if they are looking for the next person to chain. Dass the one I cannot even agree for. It’s better they just carry me to Kirikiri Maximum Prison lemme just know that I’m a criminal true true than for them to chain me up in Alpha Base. Although, at this point we all pretty much look like the descendants of Ali Baba and The Forty Thieves. The worst part about this place is where it’s situated. I can literally see freedom right in my very before, and with freedom comes all the beautiful girls of the University of Lagos. Since I’ve been here, the number of mammy water that have passed this place ehn…chisos! At one point, I almost asked if I can be coming here everyday, yunno just to help them out and shi. But I quickly changed my mind. Before someone will finally chain me up for assuming too much.

The hours drag on and on. We and the security men have gone from being enemies to acquaintances to best of friends back to enemies and then to friends again. We’ve gisted all the gist in this world, all that’s remaining now is for them to just offer us employment. And I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to do the work too cos from all I’ve seen today, the only training whatsoever that these men received is on How to Waste people’s time. Ah! These people have bsc in Time Wasting and Rubbish Questions. Two or three of them should be going abroad for Masters by now. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard in 2017. Someone will coman lodge a complaint or report someone and the response of the Gentlemen of the Base will just blow your mind. But all this one is not my concern, I just wanna leave this place.

A couple of hours earlier, one of my fellow ‘inmates’ called his parents to save US (I assumed we were all in this together, big mistake) from this place, and his parents came and later on they had to invite one very big lawyer just to secure their son’s freedom. At this point, the rest of us should probably have begun to appreciate the gravity of the issue but wetin concern us, no be ordinary Alpha Base? Last last we go just give them 5H make them buy food sigh. It’s now almost 6:30 in the evening, and I’m as confused as a year one Law student. I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without food in my entire life. And to think that we came here in our own car o. Ah!

Apparently, the parents of the boy have been able to secure the release of himself and his friend and it at this point that the situation becomes very clear. Everything is happening at the same damn time. The boy and his friend are leaving ALL of us behind. Even if you wanna leave us cos we’re really not in the same room with you, at least carry all your roommates now. I see the shock, confusion and fear on the faces of his roommates and it is almost funny. Almost. At this same time, the Sabo Police men that these people have been threatening us with finally arrive in a van big enough to carry all of us and our relatives in the village too. The way things are just escalating is staring to resemble one of those poorly scripted Nollywood movies. And it’s not as if my own parents don’t have mouth or I cannot call them or something, is just that my parents were quite against me getting a BQ inside school and they’ll simply turn something like this into an “I told you so” moment. My father might even just tell me that he will call me tomorrow and then end the call.

The Sabo people are standing by while the highly trained Alpha Base offices are trying to decide by our faces who they should transfer to Sabo Police Station and who should remain behind. BY OUR FACES!!
As it starts to seem that all hope is lost and the lawyer woman is about to enter her very beautiful car and drive off, while majority of us spend the night in a cell, I say a final prayer to heaven and my ancestors and whoever else might be listening. It seems it worked cos this woman takes one final look into the Base and our eyes connect. I can only imagine the desperate look in my eyes because this very wonderful woman gets out of her car and returns to the Base and beckons me over. Ladies and gentlemen, if you think you can beg or plead, I assure you that next to me you’re like a member of the Law Class of ’20 football team standing beside Lionel Messi. I’ve never begged like that in my entire life. See ehn, after my performance Buhari should just appoint me as the Begging General of the Federation.

To end everything, this woman secures our release and renews my faith in the power of the Law (or in the power of a well connected lawyer). We hurriedly sign all the statements and undertakings binding us to present ourselves for further questioning whenever we are required to by the security operatives, even as we know that we are never setting foot in this place again. Well, except to inquire about all the very fine females I saw tod…god what is wrong with me please?

As we walk back to our various rooms, happy and free, I consider just getting to my room, packing up all my bags and just moving into one of the hostels to goan squat. Then I remember how cold the AC in my room is and I hurriedly change my mind.

On the way back, I cannot help but look around and admire just how beautiful and wonderful Unilag is. Freedom is truly a glorious thing. Even Biobaku that used to look like a dungeon to me now seems like a palace as I walk past it.
Lool nahh, not really.

Great Opara

 

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Chronicles of the Illegally Legal S2E5

The holidays are upon us. It has been a long and tedious year filled with bad things like stress, classes, indemnity forms, exams, girls that wanna steal your money, boys that also wanna steal your money, Buhari, hunger et cetera. But we have prevailed and have reached the penultimate month of 2016, now is the time to relax and enjoy and start sending messages to all the witches(sorry, relatives) in your various villages to let them know that their plans have failed and you are still alive.

Speaking of villages, the igbo people will soon start their annual pilgrimage to the east, even some of you that Unilag said should resume on the 12th of December will still follow them and go. Only God knows what exactly happens in these places you guys go to, cos I’ve never been there before. Whether you pipu used to do your own Igbo Olympics or something, I don’t understand. Sigh it is well, y’all should better bring bread, yam and spare parts when you are coming back shaa. Read the rest of this entry »

 

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CHRONICLES OF THE ILLEGALLY LEGAL S2E4

Lagos is quite beautiful at night. Now I’m not saying this isn’t also true during the day but, with the street hawker trying her best to run away with your change, the agbero who’s trying to steal from you and then beat you up, and the Lastma official whose major purpose in life is simply to frustrate you, it’s kinda hard to see the beauty in the city.

At night however, Lagos is as pretty as a peach. It’s a little bit past 1am, and I’m comfortably seated in the front seat of a cab. This isn’t just any random cabu cabu though, before you pipu will goan be reasoning someone’s matter. My cab is an Uber:D
The amount of people whose lives have been helped by Uber ehn, they’re just too much. Every time free ride and promo code, their slogan should probably be “We Know Sey Una Dey Scam Us, But We No Mind” or something like that.

The cab cruises along the serene streets of Ikeja, the driver is busy asking me if I want chicken suya, cow suya or shark suya lol. I just want him to drive abeg, this their ‘5star’ rating policy has turned all these people into something else, this man will soon ask me if I want a massage. I definitely do NOT want a massage, at least not from him.
We drive past the famous Allen Avenue, past the many ‘working class’ women trying to do their best at their jobs all in an effort to make the Nigerian economy strong again. These pipu are the real heroes please, nobody can tell me otherwise. The two most important jobs in the world that require the most skill are definitely doctors and these women right here. Cos if a mistake is made while ‘work’ is going on in both fields, countless lives may be lost. As we finally move along, I raise my fist in a silent salute towards these great patriots as a teardrop rolls down my face.
My destination today is one of the many clubs in Ikeja where my guys are already waiting for me. It’s been in a while since we turned up, and it has become very necessary seeing as this Law Life no pay anybody. Amean really, who Law epp? Mtcheeew.

After a very comfortable, and relaxing journey with ‘Jon Bellion’ blaring across the speakers, the driver finally brings the car to a stop in front of the club. I take a minute or two to enjoy the AC and reflect on how dope I am dressed. As I attempt to unlock the door and step out of the vehicle however, the driver gently places a hand on my arm and looks at me inquiringly. I just assume he wants to remind me about ‘5stars’ so I quickly nod and reassure him.
Apparently, it’s not his rating he is concerned with because the man mutters something about money. Ahn ahn, when did people start tipping Uber drivers plix, abi this man thinks I just arrived from Enugu or what?

He notices my confusion and proceeds to pull up his phone. Some seconds later and after a very thorough explanation, it slowly dawns on me that I’ve been confused all this time thinking that this was a free ride. I’m actually going to pay…and in cash. I laugh one of those deep, long, throaty laughs and the man laughs along with me. This life is beautiful.  Read the rest of this entry »

 

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Chronicles Of The Illegally Legal S2E3

  It’s a hot friday afternoon and the FLT is filled with humans. Now, this is significant because, this place was built to seat 150people comfortably. If you don’t wanna be comfortable then, it can seat about 200. If you wanna be a Nigerian, it will seat 250. If you wanna be a mad Nigerian (let’s face it, not all Nigerians are mad please), it will seat 300. And finally, if you wanna be a Nigerian law student…well there’s no limit to the FLT’s capacity. Read the rest of this entry »

 

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Americans and a Female President

By Samuel Abu

Americans would rather have a black man or an irrational man as a president than a female.

“every work experience was a hit back to back from the UN to Senate and Secretary of state……..Feminism must take over”

Err okay, so I think that’ll probably be an exasperated expression of a woman in the male dominated political scene.. Perhaps maybe one such as the U. S. Well honestly you can’t blame such if it ever happen though, we’ll only need to know the fact that or perhaps I might be wrong. Nonetheless the possibility that Americans would probably vote for another black man or in fact an irrational hateful alleged “bigot” over Hillary Clinton would be discussed further.
Trust me, this isn’t some sort of hoax. In fact, if anything was to be a hoax, Donald J Trump’s irrationality isn’t one. So let’s travel back in time as I use one very prominent American female’s experience to prove the hypothesis of Americans and their issues with women in the political scene.
In 2008, the world was elated by the words of a man which was simply ” yes we can”. Barrack Obama became the first ever elected black American President and I’ll see this is as a necessary step however to the historical development of the country and also a political game, yeah trust me it was. We know that year to be the end of the Bush Dynasty, which set forth an open path for others to become involved in the presidential experience. Also that year saw the sparkling lights of a potential female president as well. This woman had worked with the UN nations with regards to women development rights, she’s served in the Senate, and in fact she’s a wife of a former American president….Her score cards had a cogent weight of intellectuals, ooo my oo my it was a hit back to back  yet they brought in Barrack Obama.
Funny Americans, the day a white woman was strong enough to sway their votes, they allowed a black man into government… What happened to the likes of Jesse Jackson, Shirley Chilsom etc they were all at one time potential black candidates too. Either way 2008 would have been a great year  historical, a first black president or female President. They went for the former over the latter.
Eight years down the line, the American Society would soon be called to the polls. Although the presidential debate had started, and miniature polls have been setup. Hillary Clinton is at it again, well to be honest I felt this time around, she’s just gonna ride along to the white house with no real threat or so… Oh boy I was wrong. In fact, Americans have had another favorite, worthy of keeping Hillary on the sidelines  and I’m sure even if you don’t know anything about American politics, this particular dude’s name must have come across your hearing. The wonderful irrational and realistic Donald J Trump.
This year’s presidential election is gonna be a really epic one, because Hillary is back with a very brainy and more acute plans. Yet despite her 4yrs as sec of state coupled with other cogent experiences, Americans have seen a new messiah in the very courteous Donald Trump…. “He’s the man the country needs, he’s realistic and very active”
Mean while, there’s a woman who’s been an American icon herself. Here we can’t say she isn’t worth it or she’s lack the experience,  in fact compared to Trump he’s not even meant to be a candidate. More over, this would only serve as a proof that Americans well, don’t really fancy a female president, in fact they’ll prefer Donald J Trump to be their president if possible. And if possible I mean the mock polls reiterate same feat.  I just hope the 2016 elections would get hillary Clinton fans like     “But Sir let’s be honest, every work experience was a hit back to back from the UN to Senate and Secretary of state……..cmon, Feminism must take over”.  And then maybe, just maybe Trump would go ” Well I like her persistent spirit, but if she’s won the election, it probably wasn’t a honest poll”
If this should happen, well it’ll be sad, and painful for some of her fans, but nonetheless it would have been a good show.

 

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Chronicles of the Illegally Legal – S2 E2

I am tired. So bloody tired. Tired of life and everything in between. The time is a few minutes after 7am, and I am chilling in one of those large, yellow, ugly, smelly buses popularly called ‘molue’. Actually, I do not think ‘chilling’ is the appropriate word. Cos whenever I see people really chilling, they are rarely ever sweaty and unhappy.
I left the comfort of my bed 2 hours ago, I have an 8am class and by the look of things, I’m probably gonna get to school sometime in March. The Lagos traffic, ever present, ever knowing and forever frustrating well laid out plans.

The bus inches forward and the large woman beside me releases another very strange unearthly sound. I’ve never been to the abroad, so I’ve never experienced all those things that plague them. All those earthquakes, tsunami’s, horde of locusts, their rivers turning into blood and all that, however right now, I’d pick all those things over this present situation. Read the rest of this entry »

 

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Chronicles of the Illegally Legal, Season 2 Episode 1

It’s only a few days into January 2016, and I already cannot wait for December. For those of you who do not live in Lagos, take my advice, never ever relocate. Stay in your village (anywhere that’s not Lagos is a village idc) and enjoy life. The cost of living here is too high and it’s not worth it. At least in your various villages, you still get to see half naked girls dancing and twerking on their way to fetch water from the stream, over here, there are no such luxuries, I assure you.
Read the rest of this entry »

 

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