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A MERRY VILLAGE CHRISTMAS, PART TWO

Part two of the series

You know how the lead actors and actresses run away from danger in the movies? The calm, collected, calculated demeanor, the wind lifting their gorgeous hair around, the way they jump over obstacles. Yeah? Well, this was nothing like that.
First of all, I wasn’t calm. My brother or sister, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Screaming very loudly. Very very loudly. Secondly, I wasn’t jumping over obstacles. I was jumping into them. You see, till you enter the maze that is a village forest, you cannot understand. Clumps of thick soil, branches of dead trees, long vines (even the spirits needed their wine) and the occasional animal littered the place. Thirdly, I don’t have long hair.

I also didn’t know where I was going. I had realised this immediately I entered the bush. I couldn’t turn back anyways. Unless I wanted to walk into the masquerades. And that wasn’t happening. So I forged on. And on. And on. Deeper and deeper into the thick forest.
The most annoying thing was that through all this, I could hear my attackers behind me in slow, confident, measured footsteps. This was their turf, their home. They were taking their time. Sooner or later, I’ll fumble. Tears flowed down my face as I begged God for forgiveness for all of my sins. For kissing Bukky after church service on Sunday, for all the pieces of meat I had appropriated. For all the times I inflated textbook prices. All of this while thinking of a means of escape.

Then it hit me. Not a bright idea on how to escape the masquerades but a really strong stone. I crumpled to the ground. As my eyes closed, I saw my attackers circling me.
Save me Lord Jesus.

Written By Joshua Nwabuikwu

 
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Posted by on March 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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A MERRY VILLAGE CHRISTMAS

First of a three-part series

I’m going to die. Every teenager says that at one point during their lives. They don’t really mean it though. However, when I say I’m going to die while tied up in a room full of blood and bones and palmwine, you best believe me.
But wait, don’t you want to know how I got here? Okay then. Let’s take a little trip back.

16/12/2015.
My family and I are on the way to the village. We’re Igbos. So we’re expected to complete the yearly ritual of spending the Christmas holidays in the village. The bus is quite tight and everyone packed like sardines. Ugh. It’s dad’s fault. He didn’t want to drive the car. Lazy old man. The driver’s talking about the special ritual taking place tomorrow. Apparently, it is held every fifteen years and it involves crazy stuff like human sacrifices and masquerade dances. I wasn’t listening though, I was trying to reply all my messages on WhatsApp before we got to the village and it’s network-less environs. I’m sure you know I hate this trip by now.
Fast forward hours later and I’m lying down on Grandma’s bed. She’s the only good thing in this Godforsaken place to be honest. Always amazing to see her. She’s talking to me in Igbo and I reply her with some weird sounding grunts. Can’t blame me. I don’t speak the language. The evening breeze coming through the window is amazing and I feel my eyelids drooping. Just a little nap I say to myself. I’m quite tired from the journ…

17/12/2015.
CHUKWUNENYE ANYAECHUKWU JORDAN!!!!
I wake up with a start. Whenever my dad calls my name in full, it only means one thing: he has been calling my name for a very long time. As I trudge to the living room, I mentally prepare myself for the barrage of insults and name calling. He surprises me however. Jordan how are you? I reply that I’m fine. Then he hits me with it. Ogechi, the help is sick so I need you to go to the village Square to buy akara.
Really? Really? I take the money from him and head for the door spewing all sorts of swear words (in my head of course).
The harmattan outside is crazy and I rub my hands together to fight the cold. For the umpteenth time, I wonder if that guy is really my father. I look up and notice that the village square is empty. I hear the sounds of beating drums and weird chants. Then it comes to me in little bits. Ritual. Fifteen years. Masquerade dances. Human sacrifice!! I hear a sound behind me and I turn. In front of me is a big black masquerade. He laughs evilly and shouts something in Igbo. He’s calling his brothers. That’s the first thing that comes to my mind. Suddenly, a second masquerade appears behind the first.
That’s when I ran.

Written By Joshua Nwabuikwu

Published By Great Opara

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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MY PROBLEM WITH NIGERIAN MUSICIANS

‘’Omo I don hustle…I don sleep for gutter…I don tey for ghetto’’. Its not unusual is it? to hear musicians give us these lines on a regular, both upcoming and already established artistes. We all know that everybody works hard to get to where they are but please apply the fear of God when we tell these stories. Unsurprisingly however, it seems like the trend to have your own story of your struggle to fame, some fabricated, some legit. Recently one of the new musicians who came around in 2015 or 2016 claimed that he sold moi-moi in traffic to earn a living before he came to limelight….Really?? moi-moi in traffic?? I’ve lived in different parts of Lagos all my life and I’ve never for once seen moi-moi or any cooked food whatsoever sold in traffic. In kiosks yes…but definitely not in traffic.
One of our celebrities was even more misleading in his own tale. This chap blew like a tsunami some seven, eight years ago when he came and started shouting in his hit track ‘’don’t stop me, don’t stop me, my daddy is a rich man, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, my daddy is a rich man’’. Fine bro, your daddy is a rich man. We have heard you. Later, bros remembered ‘’áah,gbese,I’ve not told my own struggle story. So bros came and released another song where he featured another son of a rich man and then both of them started singing “back when I was broke yo,nobody was there to jonze yo,all the girls dem no want to follow blah blah’’ Egbon please pick a struggle and stop confusing us. Are you broke or rich? Everybody just wants to claim street even though some obviously had it easier. Please stop giving us bogus claims our dear musicians

Another very big lie these guys give us is ‘I spent hours in the studio working on this song…the fans don’t know how much effort I put in this track..blah blah’ Like you mean to tell me you go to the studio with your pen and pad and decide to start your song with ‘’skiboroboskibo skiboroboskibo ooshey baddest’’ or you say your music has content and the content I’m getting is “eyin eyan nla sneh…eyan nla nla nla nla nla sneh…o ta sneh…o ta bi atarodo sneh’’? Guys please stop giving us these lies we are not dummies. Just go and tell us the truth… say something like “I had absolute rubbish in mind that’s why I recorded this song…I always have rubbish in mind when I record my songs’ cos that’s what you always reflect in your songs.

It’s also important for you to start with a standard you can maintain. Big ups to whoever sang gbera in this aspect for consistently maintaining his standard not trying to go above or below it.(please don’t go below it egbon) as there are people that like to listen to music like ‘’dog number one…run,dog number two…run, dog number three…run, dog number four is coming oooo so run,run,run,run’’ and he has his market but please if you start off like J.Cole don’t come and start giving me Young Thug later in your career. This is why they said you blew and went back to upcoming.
A big shout out too, to all those musicians that are steady trying to make good music especially the one that was chased away from his record label by his hausa brothers and the one that the ‘’Sho Le’’ singer took his headies next rated car from him, your reward will come in due time. You that you promised us Grammy and you’ve not brought it home. Two of you actually,wehdone sirs. To all of you that went international and started giving us international rubbish like you that was teaching us numbers and nursery rhymes in the song about your dad, God will judge you and you that was trying to build a music empire with Tonto Dikeh as your first lady and K.Switch as your headline act…what were you expecting really?

All of you one hit wonders too abi two hit or three hit wonders…how market na?? Una go just come release one or two songs and go and under the radar again. All of you that are wasting your big record labels…you gotta B REDy for a music career before signing a record deal na. No be by bromance and money. You need small talent. You too that died and came back…please next time don’t come back abeg. Just carry your pink lips cream and be going abeg.
Lets talk about the names too. The names some of these guys give themselves can help them to either destroy their market or promote it. Na now Ice Prince go realise sey Ice dey eventually melt if nepa off light and wey BlackMagic go discover sey it’s not always by juju. Na why slyde just slide out as him take slide in and we all know that Scales are not always balanced that’s why that dude blows hot and cold. I honestly don’t know what Kiss Daniel was thinking too when he chose his name.Mr Incredible will always stand tall against his contemporaries in this name game forever but no be by name sha…just ask Solid Star or 9ice or Sugarboy…your name fit sweet mey your music no dey ok but at least we go still wan try you out.

My dear Nigerians, please lets also stop celebrating mediocrity. The rave of the moment now (at least before he went to jam talk and compared us to Ghana) keeps on recycling his beats and gives us regular lyrics and be shouting zagadat upandan. You too that Folake is catching your shot (how does this even make any sense??), continue. Keep on exploiting the Nigerian market that cannot identify good music and keep on patronising you saying ‘’club jam, club banger’’ Its high time we learn to look at content and lyrics and stop listening to all these vulgar jargon even though they are actually groovy. Meaningful music can also be groovy e.g Ajebutter and Falz’s bad gang
Big ups to Uncle Edward too. He realised that Clarence was collecting too much money from them videos so he went to study videography and film making and started shooting his videos himself. Sharp guy. You too that went to America to charge your phone…hope sey the battery don full now.

Gender equality requires that I also evaluate our female musicians and the standard of their work. You, my crush that started doing lovey dovey with Nigeria’s own R. Kelly and the Igbo demon of our music industry. Don’t worry, I still love you but please no go carry belle…same goes to Simi and Folarin/Kunle. You wey go dey form Barbara Marley upandan…e be like sey that your German juice don expire. Abeg just carry that your nose ring and red hair to Big Brother Naija house. Na your type dem dey find for there not the music industry.
Aunty Tiwa Swift that basically graduated from backup singer of foreign artists to selfie taker with the foreign artists…big ups on your success. Maybe you can also help Hadijat to sort out her career so she can in turn help you to sort out your marriage. Big shout out too, to Darey Art Alade’s surname sake…even though the contrast in your music are like water and oil, enjoy your stardom and keep on winning them awards. We hope you find Johnny one day so you can finally change your Twitter name or get married. You don dey old too lowkey.

Finally, all of you that won music talent shows like The Voice, Project Fame and the likes that have struggled to remain relevant now that the party is over…una no try. Big shoutout to the likes of Praiz and Timi Dakolo who participated in these shows and have still managed to retain a level of influence and stay true to their style…in a way at least. Let me also appreciate our golden oldies like Tu Baba and the P Square for succeeding in remaining relevant despite the evolution of the entertainment industry…God bless your hustle.

P.S This is just my critique of the music industry in Nigeria. You don’t need to agree with it. Abeg if you think I’ve wongfully criticised your favourite artiste…no vex. It’s all bants.

Written by Korede Awosika, Class of ’18

 

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TIRI TIMES

How many times did I call you?”
Normally, this is a simple question. To a Nigerian kid however, it is a whole lot more. It tells you that you’re in for a long lecture or you’re about to be sent on an errand or you’re in trouble. The latter is the most likely.
These were the things running through little Tope’s head as Yeye (Grandma to those of you who don’t speak the language) asked him the question. He wondered what lecture she wanted to give him. Maybe another reason why he should never go to Iya Agbala’s shop to buy anything. She already said that Iya Agbala was a witch so any other reason would be an added bonus. After Yeye, witches were a close second in Tope’s list of “People/Things To Be Afraid Of”. The complete list was in his “Ghana must go” in the room and included a lot of things from Frogs to Mr Kola, the headmaster at school.
He wondered if it was an errand. Knowing Yeye she had probably finished her chewing gum and needed more. And that will mean going to Iya Walidi’s shop since Iya Agbala was out of the question. He groaned inwardly and said a few choice words under his breath. Going to Iya Walidi’s shop would mean forfeiting the interesting game of “Koso” that he was playing with Bolaji, Dapo and Chukwudi (yes Chukwudi. His family was the only Igbo one in the neighbourhood). He hoped it wasn’t an errand.
He also hoped he wasn’t in trouble. He could think of a hundred things he had done wrong at the moment. From flogging the neighbour’s dog mercilessly (the rascal chewed his slippers for God’s sake) to relieving himself in the bathtub. And also for beating up his classmate in school. Again, he had a reason. A really good reason. His friends had dared him. But Yeye wouldn’t care about that. She would beat the living daylight out of him for being a nuisance at school. He mentally prepared for the caning.
How many times did I call you? Aditi!
He jumped as he shook off the absent mindedness. “you called me “tiri” times Ma”. “Naughty boy. You’re playing Koso again abi?”. Tope smiled sheepishly. Yeye shook her head and sighed. “Anyway, let me tell you something I heard in the market this morning. This world is not a nice one o!”
Tope rolled his eyes. Lecture it was then.

Written By Joshua Nwabuikwu

Published By Great Opara

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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THE LAST DAY OF CHRISTMAS (LONGEST ARTICLE EVER SEEN ON THE LSS BLOG) 

For the past year, a group of people have been working to produce the content on this blog. A group of writers, editors, analysts, critics. A Team. And to end the year, and our tenure, we have all decided to give you one last article. Below is a set of pieces, from the people behind your favorite columns, written individually, but put up collectively. So that you can enjoy a buffet, befitting of the festive period. An all you can read buffet. So who is your favorite blog author, is it the famed SamAzing or is it the brain behind “Chronicles of the Illegally Legal”, Great Opara;  find them, and read them… As you do all the rest of us. 



THE FIRST DAY : WURAOLA FAGBAMIYE 

CLASS OF ’17. BEAUTY QUEEN. CONTRIBUTOR TO ‘SELF HELP FOR DUMMIES’

Final Leap

The cold bit into her feet as she walked. Cold and alone she shivered but made no attempt to run for shelter and warmth. She had her mind made up on where exactly she was going to be in the nearest future; at the bottom of the bridge buried under the waves and suffocating to death. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2016 in From Us, Uncategorized

 

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OVERALL BEST GRADUATING STUDENT FROM LAW SCHOOL 2016 – AYO KADIRI

Law School is hard. Your lowest grade is your graduating class. There is a lot of pressure. 

These are a few of the things we hear about The Nigerian Law School, which is the final gate, standing between us, and our License to practice the Legal profession in Nigeria. And so making a 2.1 from Law School is no small feat. It means your lowest grade was a B! Now talk about bagging a First Class! Means you made a straight 5 points! But that is not all…to be best graduating student, it means your individual grades were the highest! You 5.0 was the ‘5.0-iest’…and that, is a big deal. A very VERY big deal!

It is our pleasure to announce that this year, the singular person who achieved this feat is one of ours. Ayo Kadiri of the Law Class of ’15 just got called to the Bar, and it was no small call. Before she went on to do this, we’ll have you know that while still in school, she was a founding member of the Blog Committee, an Exco of the Gani Chambers, Editor in Chief of the Lex Observer, was the first representative of the Tax Club at the Tax Quiz of the Annual Tax Conference…and she made a 2.1.

What prospects the Legal profession holds for her cannot be imagined, as she is already being terribly coveted by law firms all over Nigeria, the UK, and beyond. We will be sure to keep our fingers crossed, and our ears open for her news when she takes the scene. Did we forget to say, Congratulations Barrister Ayodele Kadri!

Who said hard work doesn’t pay……oh that’s right, Nobody.

Published By William-Adusa Hosanna and Great Opara

ayo-kadiri

 

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BUHARINOMICS; POLICIES, ECONOMIC RECESSION AND THE LASTING SOLUTION

 

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For the change agenda of the Buhari administation, the secret of the actual change needed is to focus all our energy not on fighting the old but on building the new society of our dream.

That Nigeria is dowered and endowed with diverse resources is an over flogged point that needs no debate. It is also unarguable that the giant of Africa has over the years been struggling to ensure there is an equitable distribution of these available sources of wealth to facilitate inclusive growth and promote national development. This takes its seat of truth in the current experience of economic recession which is not only a global problem but much more a national crisis and disaster as far as our country is concerned. The most brilliant question any critical observer of the national state of affairs will possibly ask is how beet can our resources be converted for swift growth and equitable development amidst the ugly recession trend? This is my blueprint and burden of proof.

The turning point to the identified crisis and seeming logical answer is not farfetched but embedded in the strategic eight-point agenda of the government which when synchronized with my submission will not only result in a comprehensive growth of the economy but also, a steady national development process. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on November 24, 2016 in Opinion, Politics, Uncategorized

 

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