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Tag Archives: Mayowa Akinyemi

THE WILD LOUNGE – RANSOM

  “If at first you try (to get help from someone), and fail, then try, try blackmail”- Ignis

     Hi there. We’re gathered here to witness another of the many attributes which make us so….unique, in this country. Before I forge ahead, Happy Easter in arrears, I hope everyone enjoyed their easter bunny like I did mine (trust me, she had a good time).

     Today, I want to engage us on something some of us probably already know about. So, some while back, I heard about the story of a young woman who pleaded with a certain man of God to help deliver her from her prostitution, which is an otherwise very respectable profession, and I wonder why I don’t see it in Linked In profiles. Anyway, the man of God, together with his wife, did what he could to save the woman. But, unfortunately, the woman assumed she had seen “awoof” and therefore decided to press for more. Upon hearing that nothing more could be done for her, she resorted to classic Nollywood blackmail. Herself and her boyfriend. I honestly don’t know what to say on the matter because I know women blackmail people of repute, you know, just so people can talk about them, and the men in turn, whether they’re involved or not, will deny involvement. So, I will attack the woman. Attack her because of all the kinds of men she could mess around with, she chose a “man of God”, and of all men of God, one in charge of a ministry named “Omega Fire Ministries“?? Like what was she even thinking?? She literally went to play with fire. I mean, we all know that pastors and church leaders are among the richest and most comfortable in this country (as a result of the fact that every service rakes in unimaginable amounts of money. Some for honest Christian endeavors, others, well…), but nothing is more stupid than to bring such a game to a ministry with the word “fire” in it. Nigerians don’t use “fire” anyhow, so if you hear “fire” then that’s what it is. And now she’s been burned. Wait, I heard the man, upon hearing the lady’s threats, actually told her to bring it on, and she still did. Hian. I think she should have tried something better like maybe actually doing the act, then having a child by him, that would’ve been destructive. These days, empires are brought down with a lot more than just trying to induce someone into paying you off. I don’t even get it, if nothing happened, then where’s the blackmail?? This story just messes with my head! Anyways, the bone of contention for me has never been the story behind the blackmail, no, no. The fact that the apostle wants to sue, and rightfully so, is what intrigues me.

    The media reported that this Man of God is demanding a billon naira in damages for having exposed him unduly, and having defamed him. It’s quite unusual, for men of God with such spiritual acumen as the man in question, to bother taking up a case like this in court, especially since the lady’s family had confirmed that their daughter is a mentally unfit person, and that the allegations were wrong, I’d expect the apostle to release a statement telling us something like “My God has fought my battles. I am vindicated” that sorta thing, but plaintiff in a court case? Rare. Very rare. As if it’s not enough that the apostle is taking up the case in court, he’s demanding a billion! And if you ask me, I’ll say it’s what Yoruba people call “aseju“. I mean, who has a billion naira to pay in damages?? In Nigeria?? If the Lady was so buoyant, would we even be here?? The truth is that the Apostle’s public relations officer is really good at propaganda and by virtue of that, is dragging this issue farther than is necessary. But then, that’s what Nigerians love. We love revelling in gist. Especially where somebody’s reputation is at risk. The Apostle probably planned this thing with the lady sef, just to entertain you guys, or win souls over to the church, because low key, this has strengthened some people’s faith in Omega Fire Ministries, and you can be sure some extra money is rolling in. On the one billion naira issue though, Apostle needs to calm down, in order not to appear to be starting a blackmail of his own. Nobody in West Africa would give you that much for dragging your name in the mud. Look at our “Jona” for example, we humiliated that man, made nasty memes of him, rubbished him on Twitter, and yet, not a kobo was paid to his account as per damages. He didn’t even bring an action. That’s a man who understands the dynamics of his people. It didn’t matter to him what we did to him and his Dame, he took it in good stride because he already got what he wanted. So, Apostle sir, kindly take a cue, and drop the matter. 

    In other news, the eighth instalment in the Fast and Furious has dropped in Nigeria. Just in time for the semester break. So, enjoy! If I were you though, I’d wait two weeks so I can go with my docket and pay #500 at Ozone for the same experience. 

     By the way, is it true that Baba now works from home??
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi
Published by Great Opara

 
 

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THE WILD LOUNGE – CAMOUFLAGED JUSTICE

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.“- Martin Luther King Jnr (at least I saw his pic against the
quote). Also, “Justice will not be served until those unaffected by it are as outraged as those affected” – Guy on
the hundred dollar bill.

Hi. It’s me again. Welcome to what I hope will stir you a little. I was just on my own using WiFi to check my IG
when I happened upon a picture of a woman who looked like she just got a mad tattoo, as in Michael Scofield
kind of tattoo. Upon closer look, and a glance at the comments, I realized it was marks from a serious beating, a
beating that was aptly delivered by our friends in khakis. First thing that came to mind is how she’s still alive, and
why she was beaten. Now, the answer to latter is quite funny. The woman challenged a soldier for having
slapped her brother – which she had the right to, but as we know, the inconsistent nature of our judicial system
doesn’t cater to certain things. I mean, the law enforcement people have better things to do with their time.

Now, now, my question is this: what kind of Nigerian person challenges a military officer for anything?? These
guys have unlimited power! If they don’t like your face, they can beat it into shape, and you can’t do anything.
They have absolute power. They’re the only guys that can assault you mentally and of course otherwise, and
nothing happens. So, I wonder why we think taking pictures, sharing on Facebook, and retweeting will change
the status quo. Look at the other disabled guy they beat, didn’t they still smile with him later on? The only real
reason they’d do that is because they love you. Just like your parents after they punish you and still smile with
you later on. It doesn’t mean they won’t still slap you within the hour. It’s just the way life is. So, this scenario is
like challenging your parents for slapping you, or one of your siblings. Are you high?? You’re only setting yourself
up for a beat down. And you’d eventually spite yourself for doing “over sabi” because low key, the only thing this
woman gained from standing up for her brother was internet infamy and scars that will only remind her that
some fights are not yours. Unfortunately, she’s had to learn her lesson the hard way. You don’t hit the tiger for
being a beast, you steer clear of it! Otherwise, you pay dearly, like a certain English soccer team after Tuesday
last week. I’m not saying that you should not stand up for the rights you think you’re entitled to as a “bloody
civilian”, I’m saying when you do so, you should be ready to bear the consequences. And this also applies to
people who publish open letters without anonymity, because if and when you’re caught, you’ll be beaten like
butter. I’ve said my own. A word is enough. But because some are not wise, I’ve taken the pain to write a
thousand to sensitize us not only to the need for a restructuring of the system that should be enforcing our
rights, but also, the need to mind our own damn business. Thank you.

I guess I’m done for this episode. Some people probably think I’m crazy for this. Well…. I’m only trying to
protect your best interests. Till next time, I’ve been Ignis, and thanks for dropping by.
By the way, if you have not collected bread from your local government, you’re on a long thing oh!

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 18, 2017 in Columns, The Wild Lounge

 

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A RESCUE MISSION

Hi, and welcome to the Lounge. I hope you enjoyed your stay the last time around? Well, if you didn’t,I
recommend that you start therapy, or whatever they call these sessions where you go to have your brain
examined, God, I can’t remember what it’s called……wait, what was that?…Oh, yes, counselling.I remember.It
really helps,I guess. And as a matter of fact, that’s what I’m here to discuss.

I saw a BC this week. I’m assuming you all are up to speed with it by now. I don’t quite remember the message,
but I remember something about of you have academic brain death, or you’re on a 1.5 CGPA or less, or if you
wrote a certain test on Tuesday, (I can’t tell you what course, but it rhymes with “iniquity”), then you should report
to the counselling unit ASAP. Now, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear this, is that, maybe the
institution is trying to gather the academically less privileged all in one place, and blow them up, so that they
won’t tarnish the school’s image as the “University of first choice and nation’s pride“, or maybe they want to
create a union for them, and isolate them from the rest of society, as we all know that the only way to succeed in
life is to have a University degree with honours. Or who do you know in Nigeria or elsewhere that became
successful without graduating with honours? Mention names if you dare.

Anyways, before I lose focus, I was
talking about the University rescue programme. So a friend of mine thinks the school is doing this to try and
provide a solution to a “problem” it created. But honestly, I don’t see a problem here. The University over
admitted students into the system, despite knowing that it doesn’t have the right facilities and environment to
provide excellent education for such a large number, so? It’s called business. So, who are you (or I) to
complain? Who doesn’t like profit? Should you even complain knowing full well that your school fees is roughly
fifteen grand?? Nonsense. When something is cheap, people rush it, so if the quality is poor, why should you
blame anyone but yourself? You paid for this! My only question is what exactly does the Counselling unit want to
do for students with dire academic issues that cannot be done in the classroom? Oh, I know. They’ll begin to
advice you on how to draw a personal time table, try to balance your social life with your curricular activities, how to control your intake of drugs, and spend more time in the library, because it is by doing all these things
that you will have good grades. So, what happens when a student does all this, and still doesn’t get desirable
grades? Maybe such is a blockhead and has no business being in school. Or maybe what the counselling unit is
trying to do is to organise a seminar in which academically challenged students can obtain free JAMB forms so
as to participate in the next UTME, or maybe the school is trying to provide a platform on which the challenged
students can obtain a different degree from other students and still compete favourably with their peers in the
future, because as we all know, the school is working hard to make sure that all its students become something
in life, it’s not like they’re so bothered with your school fees (Amean, what’s 15k multiplied by all the students?).

The school only wants the best for us, trust me, there’s no other reason ASUU would strike for six months. These
people were fighting for their right to teach! Anyway, that’s talk for another day.
I really should get going now, I want to check my academic profile to know where I stand. And you should too
because if you don’t, and your CGPA falls under 1.50, and you don’t grab this opportunity, the next withdrawal
your parents will be making won’t be at the bank. On this note, good bye folks. Till next time.

By the way, I think the name of Ed Sheeran’s new album will be another sign from BODMAS. I also think
Olamide will soon release his version of “Bad and Boujee” seeing as he did a commendable job with “Panda“.
Just saying..

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

 
 

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THE WILD LOUNGE

Hi there! Welcome to the Wild Lounge. Before going any further, a brief introduction
of what you’re about to get into, so you can fully grasp what we’re about.

The Wild Lounge is not by any measure, your average lounge where drinks, and
chops are served. No. What we serve here is ice cold sarcasm. Yes we ridicule societal
vices and defects here. So, now that you’re acquainted with what it is we do here, let’s
progress to the business of today. Oh, by the way, my name is Ignis, and I’ll be your host
for this episode and subsequent ones too.

Today, let’s talk about the electricity supply (or lack thereof) and hike in price of
everything in our “dear” country, Nigeria. Now, my parents once told me that in the
distant past, Nigeria was a land flowing with milk and honey, there was an excellent
economy, electricity was top notch, and there was really no need to travel. Apparently,
that was a very distant past. Now, things have CHANGED. And it’s all for good. I mean,
what kind of insane government provides its people with constant electricity?? Does it
make sense? The other day, my cousin (who lives in some white man’s land) told me
there was a serious storm that later led to power outage for two hours and he said there
was a consequent ruckus. And I was just shaking my head like “Two hours??” and it’s
not like it happens that way all the time. The Western world is indeed demented. Having
such an outrageous supply of electricity?? Nonsense. Who does that?? Here in Nigeria,
we set the pace, oh how I love this beautiful country. Whenever, PHCN gives us light for
up to eighteen out of twenty four hours, we complain to them that it’s too much, because
it really doesn’t make sense. It’s unfair. If one part of Lagos for example has electricity
supply for eighteen hours, what about the other part?? We have to be rational, so the
light can go round. If we have too much light, it’s bad actually. It makes us start to live,
think, and behave like the whites, and we shouldn’t allow that, because we’re made of
black. And we only need just a little amount of light to live. What do we even need light
for? Pressing clothes, charging phones, and watching Premier/Champions League?? If
we hadn’t let the British in, we wouldn’t need all that, and we’d be fine. After all, nobody
colonised Britain. Who knows maybe we’d have colonised some other country? Anyway,
back to the issue of electricity, I respect the Nigerian government under the past few
leaders for trying to ensure that nobody ever has light for more than four to five hours a
day, and in some cases, a month. It’s helped us to focus more on our best gift,
importation (of generators, amongst others). And this directly or indirectly brings us to
the next point.

If you’ve lived in Nigeria as long as I have, you’d have realized that something very
wrong has been happening in the area of the cost of things. Take for example, coaster
biscuits. In my very much younger days, you could buy like four sachets for just #5, the
same way you could buy gala for #50, I mean the fat gala with actual beef in it. Now,
why in the world would you buy that fat thing for #50, are you on drugs?? Thank God for
our leaders who took it upon themselves to start hiding huge sums of money in their
pipes, cupboards, and so on, so that the value of the naira can further drop and then we
can truly appreciate the value of the things we buy (and stop buying them anyhow). And
the effect of this “dollar cost” trust me, it’s really been humbling. Normally, I was the kind
of person who’d buy a Pepsi with almost anything. Even with sweet. But, I recently discovered sachet water (due to the economic “situation”). I also discovered that there is
more power in your “Legzus” than in Uber Select. And also if you really look at it, 1.5gb of
data makes a whole lot more sense than 3.5gb. We really do have our leaders to thank
for such an achievement. What I don’t now understand is the rumours that some Two faced celebrity wanted to protest against the affairs of Nigeria. As if it’s not been the
norm. I don’t blame him though, I assume he did it in all Innocence.
Honestly, I would’ve loved to go on and on, but my battery wouldn’t let me, and we’re
only due for light in 24 hours. But until then, I have to go and join my “fellow Americans”
in protesting against the building of the Mexican wall, because once it’s built, Nigeria will
collapse.
Plix, one last thing, What do you call a vacation that is taken as a break from
vacation??

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 24, 2017 in Columns, The Wild Lounge

 

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