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Tag Archives: Mayowa Akinyemi

THE WILD LOUNGE – HOMO NON-SAPIENS

THE WILD LOUNGE – HOMO NON-SAPIENS

Hi there. It’s Ignis yet again. I don’t know if any of you remember when I wrote about the governor of Imo State? Well, this article is another one, an unprecedented and previously unforeseen sequel to the analysis of how this roach-ass of a governor has been representing Imo state indigenes home and…….home and……sha, Imo indigenes. 

  So, I heard that he just very recently appointed a number of almost 30 commissioners and local government council leaders, including his sister,…yes, his sister. But that’s not even the big deal. It’s not the first time we’ve seen politicians in Africa put their kin in positions of power, nor will it be the last. The big deal is, what function this sister was given. She was made the commissioner of….of “happiness and marriage fulfilment. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m surprised that neither the Federal government nor any of the other state governments has ever been able to think up such an embarrassing solution to a major problem in Nigeria at the end. I’m sure none of us is oblivious to the fact that the majority of the lot of  us are unhappy, disgruntled, and maybe even livid about one or three things. And happiness, just like everything else in life, begins at home. It’s absolutely impossible to have a dysfunctional marriage relationship and still be able to function in your day to day activities properly. So, I’m very sure that the appointment of a commissioner to leave all the other trivial and unimportant things of life, and attend to the issue of unfulfilled and boring marriages will be a welcome idea in our society. I’m looking forward to seeing it spread throughout the country. It will go a long way in fixing the corruption problem, bridging the ginormous lacuna between rich and poor, upgrading the healthcare system, the education sector and the economic brouhaha that is already part of our coat of arms. All we need is just a little happiness and fulfilment in our marriages and homes. And what’s the best way to ensure that? By Nigerian standards, all this commissioner for marriage fulfilment and happiness has to do, is organise a team of hungry kinsmen who would draw a budget to the tune of millions  of naira with which to provide families with sex products and related paraphernalia to help keep them “happy and fulfilled”. I’d have said the commissioner would help provide jobs for spouses who are without employment, or support families financially, to keep them happy, but that’s too lugubrious to ask of any Nigerian politician. 
  Anyway, it is actually commendable that a governor who became famous for erecting a statue of the president of another country in his state, would appoint his sister as the commissioner for happiness and marriage fulfilment. It really should be adopted by other leaders…in Nigeria and outside. It’ll be a remarkable step in proffering solutions to a lot of the problems that have plagued us humans. Mr. Okorocha has finally given hope to people who wanted to read law, but who ended up in Guidance and Counselling Edu. Congratulations to them as they can now go to Imo state to give happiness tips and fulfilment lessons to indigenes. Sources close to the Office of the Governor of Imo State (which is basically just an office space slightly emptier than the bank of ideas that the Governor boasts of) have told me that other plans the Governor has for Imo state include a School of Thought, as in an actual building where people can just come and take thinking classes, and then a silent radio station, amongst others. I’ll let you know of more updates regarding the irrelevant projects being undertaken by the government of Imo state, as time goes on. But for right now, I have to queue up to get fuel, so, adiós amigos!

  By the way, who else has seen the Justice League movie?? That shii is litter than dustbin! And don’t even get me started on the new Avengers trailer,…it is turnt!!!

 

Written by Mayowa Akinyemi

 

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THE WILD LOUNGE – CATACHRESIS

THE WILD LOUNGE – CATACHRESIS

  Hi there…it’s Ignis again. Welcome to one of the richest buffets of ice cold and insensitive conglomeration of words ever served on this platform. So, please, note that this post is rated “I” for “Intelligence”, and is hence unsuitable for readers who may lack such.

  So, today, I want to talk about what’s been happening outside Nigeria lately to some Nigerians and non Nigerians. Now, you may (or may not) recall a time when I was talking about Africa and our archaic ways, and how that is the best way for us to progress. I’m sure you all know that the only way to thrust forward is to go all the way back first. Well, it seems some other African nations have decided to heed my honest advice, most notably, Libya. Libya lately has really impressed me by taking us back to the good old days of slavery. You know it would be an absolute shame for white people to just come and take our lands and rule us for years, only to be telling us to abolish slave trade. Like who are they to do that?? Are they mad?? Who says we don’t like slavery?? We enjoy it! We like stopping our education at junior school level, then traveling to one uncle or Aunty’s house in the city to do “Houseboy/housegirl”. We like sacrificing the productive portion of our youth for the betterment of people who have already made it! We like contributing majority of our hard earned, sweat soaked allowances to the growth of the “pastors” living in opulence, instead of using the money to build ourselves and one another so we too can live in opulence and “be blessed by God”. We enjoy limiting ourselves and our minds to philosophies like “I must be a doctor, lawyer or Engineer, so I can have money and make my parents proud”. We absolutely love it! And that’s the reason why we emigrate to other parts of the world where the grass is greener… most of us not because we want to improve the quality of the grass there, but to graze and overgraze till there’s no more grass, then we move right to the next one. However, we’ve been discovered for our true usefulness by people who really appreciate us, instead of some people who are bent on deporting us from their land. 

The Libyans have discovered how useful we can be as labourers since their own skin is only built for enjoyment, and now they’re selling our brothers and sisters like  it’s Christmas bazaar. The Libyans are actually the smartest Africans because instead of being xenophobic, they’ve actually given us what we want….which is to work. So, I really don’t see why people like Bishop TD Jakes, Chris Brown and some Nigerian celebs looking to trend on social media are trying to make Libyans look bad. Did they come and take us from here?? Shebi we went to meet them there ni?? Ehehn, so what’s all this noise?? Please and please if you know you don’t have things to do like hustling for accommodation in Unilag Hellholes, then please, go and sit down. I’m on my way to interview the upright Nigerian citizen who rejected a whole 325 million naira from the FG cause it was too small. I’ll see you guys later. Thank you..

   By the way, lest I forget, please who knows the whereabouts of aunty Grace of Zimbabwe? She left one foot of her shoes here oh..

Written by Mayowa Akinyemi

 
 

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THE WILD LOUNGE – HOMO ERECTUS

THE WILD LOUNGE – HOMO ERECTUS

Hi there! Can I have your attendance…sorry attention? I’m Ignis, and I want to engage y’all on the aforementioned subject matter. And no, this is not a Biology lesson (it was Biology right?). 

   Anyways, moving right on,…this post is centered around Nigerian people from Imo State, and how their Governor has been representing lately. Now, it probably is no longer news that there is a huge statue somewhere in Imo state that I hear cost over half a billion naira. The bone of contention now is not even the statue itself but why it was built…and why so much money had to be pumped into it. Well, here’s why: Mr. Rochas Okorocha is a rich man. Period. Rich men, everywhere in the world, and especially in Nigeria, are known to spend their “hard earned money”  on whatever venture they so desire. Moreso, uncle Rochas runs a charity (whose activities are not quite clear, but which is a charity anyways) which has been a beneficiary of the “contribution(s)” of the very benevolent president of South Africa, Mr. Jacob Zuma, and it was absolutely necessary for him to use that much money to build such a gigantic structure to honour his contribution to his charity thus far. What better way to honour and appreciate a friend than to build him a statue several feet above the ground, as long as you have the money? Also, if you really look at Mr. Zuma, you’ll find that his own people have rejected him. Saying all sorts of bad things about him when all he really wanted to do was drag them backwards. The only statue that was built in the man’s memory in his own hometown was nothing short of a caricature…hence, the need to find solace in the extravagant spendthrift that is Rochas Okorocha. Oh, I hear a street was also named after him, and of course, he was given a title. Very commendable action if you ask me…I mean considering the fact that there are some people in Imo state that feed from hand to mouth,… others who have mediocre sources of income, the next step as a responsible governor is to erect a statue.

   I’m curious though….as to what exactly that statue symbolises, because trust me, I do not know. Also, does it really make that much sense to build a statue that costly considering the fact that another governor might pull it down and see how much more important and less embarrassing projects can be achieved. But then, what’s my business? I’m only saying this because I’m not a rich man, or rich man’s son. Probably my dad would do something of that nature too maybe? But I guess we’d never know because there isn’t that kind of money in the account, at least not that I know of. Ehen, I also wanted to ask,… Ermmm…this statue, how is it going to generate more revenue for Imo state? Is it that I have to pay to look at it?  As in like a tourist attraction? And also, I hope Chief Jacob Zuma was given a permanent residence and citizenship of Imo state too? I think it would make sense though, because that way, he can contest the gubernatorial seat, win it, and then erect a statue of Mr. Rochas Okorocha in return of the favour. No, seriously, that would be genius. It’s Nigeria after all. I’m actually expecting to hear that a football stadium or a road in Jacob Zuma’s hometown has been named after Rochas Okorocha,…otherwise I’d be quite pissed because it’d be unfair not to return such a magnanimous favour, for something that was undefined and no one can tell exactly what it was you did to merit it. Anyway, if I go on and on about this roach, I’ll probably be hunted down because it’s a hit at an executive citizen of Nigeria, so I’ll stop. 

   In other news, who’s heard about Zimbabwe’s new WhatsApp policy? The one where you have to be a graduate of a certain University to be group admin??

Written by Mayowa Akinyemi

 
 

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THE WILD LOUNGE – DELIRIUM

THE WILD LOUNGE – DELIRIUM

   Hi there, I’m Ignis. And yes, I’m still very much alive, thank you. I’ve been home for an eternity now and a lot has been happening: From one strike to another, and then insurgency, ant-terrorism (something about some serpent dancing), and most of all,….a “struggle for another Biafra“. You see that last one? That’s what I want to talk about today.

  Now, I’ve been seeing posts by “celebs” and other relevant parties, some (definitely unemployed or unencumbered) youth talking about dialogue and how the whole Biafra issue is gonna affect us negatively, and I’m over here like “Una dey mad??” Who’s scared of a war?? Let’s fight this war! I’m in support! Is it not backwardness we’re used to in this country?? Is it not what we appreciate?? And low key, do we, each and all, not just want a “nation” comprising only our tribe? Which is obviously the solution to the problem that “the White man created”? We were doing just fine in our own tribes and villages and there was no Nigeria. There was no need for a Nigeria. But then, some idiot with the moustache came and did amalgamation and united everybody as one against our will. Nonsense! We don’t want! Why be Nnamdi Azikiwe, when you can be Nnamdi Kanu?? Why don’t we let the ramblings of one man -who until recently, had been abroad and observing the leadership (or lack thereof) of this country, and by creating some wiseass radio station, is now agitating for what ought to have been done since,- move us forward and in the right direction?? Why are we so resistant to change?? The only way forward is to all go our separate ways! Let the Igbos go with their Yaba and Marina markets, their Iheanacho, their PSquare, their Tekno, and their Ofe Nsala, ain’t nobody need that sh*t! Let the Hausas go with their Obioma, their expertise in shoe shining and money changing, let them go with their plenty money, their fine babes, and their tomatoes, we do not want! We’re done! Let’s have Biafra, Northern Nigeria, and Southwestern Nigeria with Lagos as the capital, (the rest of you cannot have your own country, you’re in the minority), and let’s see how well that works. That’d be great, yeah? So, if you have an Igbo landlord in Lagos and you’re still trying to save up for rent, stop! Use that money to buy an AK-47 and when the landlord comes asking for his bar, you step up to him like bang dada dang, and open fire on the “fool” like “Skrrrrraaa! Pop pop ka ka ka! Skibbi did pop pop!” and “Brrrr boom poom poom!” Nonsense! Whatever happens next is your responsibility though, my own is to incite madness and ignorance..

  Seriously though, I like the way this is all going,…cause at this rate, we’ll all be free of each other and we’ll be a much better…..confederation or whatever? We’ll sha be on our own, it’s easier to be led by someone that’s your kinsman, so that you don’t come here and start lying against Buhari and Jonathan, see Brazil? No problem. See India? No problem. See Britain? No problem. See Jamaica? No problem. Let’s be like those ones, and leave all these other dumbass Africans in their stagnancy. Even Trump realises that too many peoples in one entity issa problem. For example, if the slaves had returned to their land after “civilisation“, we wouldn’t have the Kardashians

  So, guys, that’s basically it for today, but before I go, who else has noticed that everyone seems to be using this Whatsapp status feature as a cheaper alternative to Snapchat??
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi


Disclaimer: The views herein expressed are strictly that of the writer. The Lss Blog assumes no responsibility for whatever interpretation may be made of its content.

 

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EVANESCENCE – THE WILD LOUNGE

To make someone disappear, ask them to fulfil their promises”- Mason Cooley.

    Hi, it’s Ignis again. First off, I don’t know who Mason Cooley is. Second, I think the aforementioned quote is the reason that there is an absence of the elected president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. The man came and made promises…and just like always, we fell for them, but when it came time to perform and make good on those promises, he….vanished. Before I go further, this post addresses two disappearing acts: that of PMB and that of the man known as “Evans“. (For clarity, the name “Evans”, is the inspiration for this topic).

    Now, to PMB. It is no longer news to anyone that our president loves to travel. And you know, somewhere in the Guide To Being Irresponsible, it is stated clearly that the next best thing after a solid ten hour sleep, is to leave your duty post and delegate all your assignments to your next-in-chain-of-command and just abscond on a journey of several other journeys just before dying. You know what I define as irresponsibility? It’s not having a lackadaisical attitude to your duties or obligations as much as it is asking for the opportunity to bear a burden that you know is well beyond you. And that’s fine, we’re used to it. Matter of fact, for those who were around between 2007 and shortly thereafter, this feels like déjà vu. Irresponsibility is in our very culture, and I’m sure my migos can relate to that. My actual problem is that Nigerians are here talking about restructuring all over the place like we don’t know how it’ll all play out in the end. People are over here clamouring, some for secession, others for so far undefined rehabilitation of the state of affairs while those with all the money are getting major bag alerts. It’s a sad story indeed. Even this Nnamdi Kanu or what’s his name shouting “Biafra” upandan is just using you people to create hype around himself. Lol. The truth of the matter is that we all know that there will not be any restructuring at all but just like the exceptionally wise creations that we are, we choose to deceive ourselves by taking to media to hashtag the topic. Low key, I’m just over here waiting earnestly for Beyonce to drop the load she’s carrying so that Linda Ikeji can have something meaningful to post about for a change. Well for those of you who are still waiting for PMB to come back from wherever and wave his Midas hand over Nigeria and restructure the already deficient materials with which this entity, Nigeria was built,……I salute your patience and amazing threshold for bull crap. And that’s putting it lightly.
    I’d like for us to please talk about Mr. Evans. This man is a very interesting personality. Matter of fact, I dare call him a celeb. The Pablo of our time. It is people like this that make tabloids sell. But before we go into his own disappearing act, let us briefly look into his criminal life. Now, this man has been into every shady business you can think of, most notably armed robbery and kidnapping for so many years and somehow he managed to stay under the radar….or maybe he was settling relevant law enforcement authorities for a while but then things turned sour and now they’re trying to make it all look like a Hollywood storyline. This Evans guy was such a sensation that the police officers couldn’t resist a snapchat session with him. They took the guy in, gave him all the basic necessities of life, and called it an arrest ,………than all of a sudden, he “vanished”. Lol. Nigerians are actually wonderful. They believe Evans escaped. Evans that probably had this all figured out from the beginning. Get “arrested”, make headlines, “threaten” the police, and mysteriously disappear from custody, and from the face of the earth altogether….creating more headlines. Just like it is in Narcos. I actually won’t be surprised if someone made a movie out of Evans. I actually expect to start seeing memorabilia of the (in)famous son of several fathers. I bet Anini and Sina Rambo are somewhere looking on at this Evans guy with some special kind of pride. Hmmm…the truth is, I feel like the guy is underrated and under celebrated. I mean, how can I have so much blood and so much money on my hands and not get my own reality show?? OJ Simpson was more popular for the case against him than for being an NFL player, so, what then are we talking about?? I’d actually be annoyed if there wasn’t a cinematic reproduction of the chronicles of this legend. He deserves it. After all, we know what Nigeria does to people like that, they never actually go to jail. They just get amnesty and go to live a quiet life somewhere. Or even participate actively in politics….it’s the structure that we’re used to. Anyways, I think I’ve said enough for one article. I’ve got to get to church for the “Special Prayer for the return of our President” prayer meeting (the entirety of which I would be using WiFi). So, on that note, I rest my pen…

     Uhm, can someone please help me to help a brother who’s been stuck on a canoe somewhere in Ajah since Saturday please? Thank you. And while you’re at it, kindly send me a direct link to those pictures of Blac Chyna that were leaked by her bae….I need them for a project. Thank you…
Written By Mayowa Akinyemi
Published By Great Opara

 
 

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THE WILD LOUNGE – MALEVOLENCE

Hi there, it’s Ignis. Without much ado,…..today I’m talking about abuse against women,…by men (kinda why I chose the word “MALEvolence“)……okay, that was a failed joke…let’s get down to business shall we please?

  I’ve been seeing, and hearing various stories of women being abused by their husbands and or partners….From Tonto Dikeh or Churchill whatever….to Mercy Aigbe….and that’s just the ones you hear about. Oh, yeah, there’s also Karabo Mokoena or something. But unfortunately, I’m not here to sympathise with anybody. Man beating woman is absolutely none of my business. I’m actually here to “analyse” the situation with as much bias as possible.

   Now what makes a man want to beat his wife? Or any woman for that matter? Some of you would say bad upbringing or mental disorder….well while these are plausible reasons, there is also the fact that the woman herself is a troublemaker: always nagging, not preparing food regularly,…letting her high salary get to her, or general lack of submission to her husband. I mean, ladies, you should know all these things get to men! You can’t just come up with some attitude at the expense of a man’s stomach….or start nagging him about bills when the game is on,…or start demanding an explanation for the lipstick on his collar or Trojan in his trouser pocket….such a man has the moral right to react in any manner he deems fit or necessary, even if it means going all Anthony Joshua on you. So, take note. It’s a universally known fact that the majority of abuses on women are caused by the women. Take a look at this….a woman knows a man is not entirely mentally or emotionally stable, but because the instability doesn’t extend to his pocket, she lies against love and enters a lifetime commitment with such a man, flooding everybody’s timeline with the relationship in pictures, and then when he short fuses and breaks flower vase on her head for refusal to engage in sexual relations with him,…she’ll start crying on Linda Ikeji’s blog. Ain’t nobody got time for that oh. Especially the celebrity victims, they think we’re interested in their cries for help. Nonsense! Like we don’t know it’s an arrangement between them and blog administrators to attract more traffic and fans to both parties. Really the only thing they get is more fame and fan following because they’ve low key done the needful by separating from the “monster” till a compromise or whatever can be reached. So they don’t need sympathy or “help”. They don’t press charges (at least not here) after all. It’s just all a “wash”. So, please, let’s stop wasting money on #NoToDomesticViolence campaigns, and let’s channel all that energy into more profitable ventures like Big Brother Naija for example.
   Now, the case of the “Southie” babe, man, that one really got me. The way people went around scolding (for the use of lenient words) the boyfriend of a lady (named Karabo) for burning his now ex girlfriend to ashes. Now, let me put the question to you, if you’re trying to tap on your father’s windscreen/windshield and you accidentally crack it, wouldn’t you rather just break the whole thing so, that way it’s easier for everyone involved? Yes? Exactly! So why then was everybody attacking that young man?? He accidentally killed his girlfriend, so he had to burn her up since she was already dead after all, and so everyone should have closure. I don’t understand how some social media users reason sha. Complicating such a logical something,…it just goes to show how y’all think.
  Anyways, I have to make a call to my own immediate ex girlfriend who unfortunately has been traumatized since a suicide bomber blew up the venue of her concert leaving so many people dead and injured. Now that she’s vulnerable, maybe I’ll be able to take advantage of things and you know,….

   By the way, who else has been a victim of trying to get food at any time past ten in the ninight
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi

 

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THE WILD LOUNGE – RANSOM

  “If at first you try (to get help from someone), and fail, then try, try blackmail”- Ignis

     Hi there. We’re gathered here to witness another of the many attributes which make us so….unique, in this country. Before I forge ahead, Happy Easter in arrears, I hope everyone enjoyed their easter bunny like I did mine (trust me, she had a good time).

     Today, I want to engage us on something some of us probably already know about. So, some while back, I heard about the story of a young woman who pleaded with a certain man of God to help deliver her from her prostitution, which is an otherwise very respectable profession, and I wonder why I don’t see it in Linked In profiles. Anyway, the man of God, together with his wife, did what he could to save the woman. But, unfortunately, the woman assumed she had seen “awoof” and therefore decided to press for more. Upon hearing that nothing more could be done for her, she resorted to classic Nollywood blackmail. Herself and her boyfriend. I honestly don’t know what to say on the matter because I know women blackmail people of repute, you know, just so people can talk about them, and the men in turn, whether they’re involved or not, will deny involvement. So, I will attack the woman. Attack her because of all the kinds of men she could mess around with, she chose a “man of God”, and of all men of God, one in charge of a ministry named “Omega Fire Ministries“?? Like what was she even thinking?? She literally went to play with fire. I mean, we all know that pastors and church leaders are among the richest and most comfortable in this country (as a result of the fact that every service rakes in unimaginable amounts of money. Some for honest Christian endeavors, others, well…), but nothing is more stupid than to bring such a game to a ministry with the word “fire” in it. Nigerians don’t use “fire” anyhow, so if you hear “fire” then that’s what it is. And now she’s been burned. Wait, I heard the man, upon hearing the lady’s threats, actually told her to bring it on, and she still did. Hian. I think she should have tried something better like maybe actually doing the act, then having a child by him, that would’ve been destructive. These days, empires are brought down with a lot more than just trying to induce someone into paying you off. I don’t even get it, if nothing happened, then where’s the blackmail?? This story just messes with my head! Anyways, the bone of contention for me has never been the story behind the blackmail, no, no. The fact that the apostle wants to sue, and rightfully so, is what intrigues me.

    The media reported that this Man of God is demanding a billon naira in damages for having exposed him unduly, and having defamed him. It’s quite unusual, for men of God with such spiritual acumen as the man in question, to bother taking up a case like this in court, especially since the lady’s family had confirmed that their daughter is a mentally unfit person, and that the allegations were wrong, I’d expect the apostle to release a statement telling us something like “My God has fought my battles. I am vindicated” that sorta thing, but plaintiff in a court case? Rare. Very rare. As if it’s not enough that the apostle is taking up the case in court, he’s demanding a billion! And if you ask me, I’ll say it’s what Yoruba people call “aseju“. I mean, who has a billion naira to pay in damages?? In Nigeria?? If the Lady was so buoyant, would we even be here?? The truth is that the Apostle’s public relations officer is really good at propaganda and by virtue of that, is dragging this issue farther than is necessary. But then, that’s what Nigerians love. We love revelling in gist. Especially where somebody’s reputation is at risk. The Apostle probably planned this thing with the lady sef, just to entertain you guys, or win souls over to the church, because low key, this has strengthened some people’s faith in Omega Fire Ministries, and you can be sure some extra money is rolling in. On the one billion naira issue though, Apostle needs to calm down, in order not to appear to be starting a blackmail of his own. Nobody in West Africa would give you that much for dragging your name in the mud. Look at our “Jona” for example, we humiliated that man, made nasty memes of him, rubbished him on Twitter, and yet, not a kobo was paid to his account as per damages. He didn’t even bring an action. That’s a man who understands the dynamics of his people. It didn’t matter to him what we did to him and his Dame, he took it in good stride because he already got what he wanted. So, Apostle sir, kindly take a cue, and drop the matter. 

    In other news, the eighth instalment in the Fast and Furious has dropped in Nigeria. Just in time for the semester break. So, enjoy! If I were you though, I’d wait two weeks so I can go with my docket and pay #500 at Ozone for the same experience. 

     By the way, is it true that Baba now works from home??
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi
Published by Great Opara

 
 

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