Tag Archives: The Wild Lounge



   Hi there, I’m Ignis. And yes, I’m still very much alive, thank you. I’ve been home for an eternity now and a lot has been happening: From one strike to another, and then insurgency, ant-terrorism (something about some serpent dancing), and most of all,….a “struggle for another Biafra“. You see that last one? That’s what I want to talk about today.

  Now, I’ve been seeing posts by “celebs” and other relevant parties, some (definitely unemployed or unencumbered) youth talking about dialogue and how the whole Biafra issue is gonna affect us negatively, and I’m over here like “Una dey mad??” Who’s scared of a war?? Let’s fight this war! I’m in support! Is it not backwardness we’re used to in this country?? Is it not what we appreciate?? And low key, do we, each and all, not just want a “nation” comprising only our tribe? Which is obviously the solution to the problem that “the White man created”? We were doing just fine in our own tribes and villages and there was no Nigeria. There was no need for a Nigeria. But then, some idiot with the moustache came and did amalgamation and united everybody as one against our will. Nonsense! We don’t want! Why be Nnamdi Azikiwe, when you can be Nnamdi Kanu?? Why don’t we let the ramblings of one man -who until recently, had been abroad and observing the leadership (or lack thereof) of this country, and by creating some wiseass radio station, is now agitating for what ought to have been done since,- move us forward and in the right direction?? Why are we so resistant to change?? The only way forward is to all go our separate ways! Let the Igbos go with their Yaba and Marina markets, their Iheanacho, their PSquare, their Tekno, and their Ofe Nsala, ain’t nobody need that sh*t! Let the Hausas go with their Obioma, their expertise in shoe shining and money changing, let them go with their plenty money, their fine babes, and their tomatoes, we do not want! We’re done! Let’s have Biafra, Northern Nigeria, and Southwestern Nigeria with Lagos as the capital, (the rest of you cannot have your own country, you’re in the minority), and let’s see how well that works. That’d be great, yeah? So, if you have an Igbo landlord in Lagos and you’re still trying to save up for rent, stop! Use that money to buy an AK-47 and when the landlord comes asking for his bar, you step up to him like bang dada dang, and open fire on the “fool” like “Skrrrrraaa! Pop pop ka ka ka! Skibbi did pop pop!” and “Brrrr boom poom poom!” Nonsense! Whatever happens next is your responsibility though, my own is to incite madness and ignorance..

  Seriously though, I like the way this is all going,…cause at this rate, we’ll all be free of each other and we’ll be a much better…..confederation or whatever? We’ll sha be on our own, it’s easier to be led by someone that’s your kinsman, so that you don’t come here and start lying against Buhari and Jonathan, see Brazil? No problem. See India? No problem. See Britain? No problem. See Jamaica? No problem. Let’s be like those ones, and leave all these other dumbass Africans in their stagnancy. Even Trump realises that too many peoples in one entity issa problem. For example, if the slaves had returned to their land after “civilisation“, we wouldn’t have the Kardashians

  So, guys, that’s basically it for today, but before I go, who else has noticed that everyone seems to be using this Whatsapp status feature as a cheaper alternative to Snapchat??
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi

Disclaimer: The views herein expressed are strictly that of the writer. The Lss Blog assumes no responsibility for whatever interpretation may be made of its content.


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Hi there, it’s Ignis. Without much ado,… I’m talking about abuse against women,…by men (kinda why I chose the word “MALEvolence“)……okay, that was a failed joke…let’s get down to business shall we please?

  I’ve been seeing, and hearing various stories of women being abused by their husbands and or partners….From Tonto Dikeh or Churchill whatever….to Mercy Aigbe….and that’s just the ones you hear about. Oh, yeah, there’s also Karabo Mokoena or something. But unfortunately, I’m not here to sympathise with anybody. Man beating woman is absolutely none of my business. I’m actually here to “analyse” the situation with as much bias as possible.

   Now what makes a man want to beat his wife? Or any woman for that matter? Some of you would say bad upbringing or mental disorder….well while these are plausible reasons, there is also the fact that the woman herself is a troublemaker: always nagging, not preparing food regularly,…letting her high salary get to her, or general lack of submission to her husband. I mean, ladies, you should know all these things get to men! You can’t just come up with some attitude at the expense of a man’s stomach….or start nagging him about bills when the game is on,…or start demanding an explanation for the lipstick on his collar or Trojan in his trouser pocket….such a man has the moral right to react in any manner he deems fit or necessary, even if it means going all Anthony Joshua on you. So, take note. It’s a universally known fact that the majority of abuses on women are caused by the women. Take a look at this….a woman knows a man is not entirely mentally or emotionally stable, but because the instability doesn’t extend to his pocket, she lies against love and enters a lifetime commitment with such a man, flooding everybody’s timeline with the relationship in pictures, and then when he short fuses and breaks flower vase on her head for refusal to engage in sexual relations with him,…she’ll start crying on Linda Ikeji’s blog. Ain’t nobody got time for that oh. Especially the celebrity victims, they think we’re interested in their cries for help. Nonsense! Like we don’t know it’s an arrangement between them and blog administrators to attract more traffic and fans to both parties. Really the only thing they get is more fame and fan following because they’ve low key done the needful by separating from the “monster” till a compromise or whatever can be reached. So they don’t need sympathy or “help”. They don’t press charges (at least not here) after all. It’s just all a “wash”. So, please, let’s stop wasting money on #NoToDomesticViolence campaigns, and let’s channel all that energy into more profitable ventures like Big Brother Naija for example.
   Now, the case of the “Southie” babe, man, that one really got me. The way people went around scolding (for the use of lenient words) the boyfriend of a lady (named Karabo) for burning his now ex girlfriend to ashes. Now, let me put the question to you, if you’re trying to tap on your father’s windscreen/windshield and you accidentally crack it, wouldn’t you rather just break the whole thing so, that way it’s easier for everyone involved? Yes? Exactly! So why then was everybody attacking that young man?? He accidentally killed his girlfriend, so he had to burn her up since she was already dead after all, and so everyone should have closure. I don’t understand how some social media users reason sha. Complicating such a logical something,…it just goes to show how y’all think.
  Anyways, I have to make a call to my own immediate ex girlfriend who unfortunately has been traumatized since a suicide bomber blew up the venue of her concert leaving so many people dead and injured. Now that she’s vulnerable, maybe I’ll be able to take advantage of things and you know,….

   By the way, who else has been a victim of trying to get food at any time past ten in the ninight
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi


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  “If at first you try (to get help from someone), and fail, then try, try blackmail”- Ignis

     Hi there. We’re gathered here to witness another of the many attributes which make us so….unique, in this country. Before I forge ahead, Happy Easter in arrears, I hope everyone enjoyed their easter bunny like I did mine (trust me, she had a good time).

     Today, I want to engage us on something some of us probably already know about. So, some while back, I heard about the story of a young woman who pleaded with a certain man of God to help deliver her from her prostitution, which is an otherwise very respectable profession, and I wonder why I don’t see it in Linked In profiles. Anyway, the man of God, together with his wife, did what he could to save the woman. But, unfortunately, the woman assumed she had seen “awoof” and therefore decided to press for more. Upon hearing that nothing more could be done for her, she resorted to classic Nollywood blackmail. Herself and her boyfriend. I honestly don’t know what to say on the matter because I know women blackmail people of repute, you know, just so people can talk about them, and the men in turn, whether they’re involved or not, will deny involvement. So, I will attack the woman. Attack her because of all the kinds of men she could mess around with, she chose a “man of God”, and of all men of God, one in charge of a ministry named “Omega Fire Ministries“?? Like what was she even thinking?? She literally went to play with fire. I mean, we all know that pastors and church leaders are among the richest and most comfortable in this country (as a result of the fact that every service rakes in unimaginable amounts of money. Some for honest Christian endeavors, others, well…), but nothing is more stupid than to bring such a game to a ministry with the word “fire” in it. Nigerians don’t use “fire” anyhow, so if you hear “fire” then that’s what it is. And now she’s been burned. Wait, I heard the man, upon hearing the lady’s threats, actually told her to bring it on, and she still did. Hian. I think she should have tried something better like maybe actually doing the act, then having a child by him, that would’ve been destructive. These days, empires are brought down with a lot more than just trying to induce someone into paying you off. I don’t even get it, if nothing happened, then where’s the blackmail?? This story just messes with my head! Anyways, the bone of contention for me has never been the story behind the blackmail, no, no. The fact that the apostle wants to sue, and rightfully so, is what intrigues me.

    The media reported that this Man of God is demanding a billon naira in damages for having exposed him unduly, and having defamed him. It’s quite unusual, for men of God with such spiritual acumen as the man in question, to bother taking up a case like this in court, especially since the lady’s family had confirmed that their daughter is a mentally unfit person, and that the allegations were wrong, I’d expect the apostle to release a statement telling us something like “My God has fought my battles. I am vindicated” that sorta thing, but plaintiff in a court case? Rare. Very rare. As if it’s not enough that the apostle is taking up the case in court, he’s demanding a billion! And if you ask me, I’ll say it’s what Yoruba people call “aseju“. I mean, who has a billion naira to pay in damages?? In Nigeria?? If the Lady was so buoyant, would we even be here?? The truth is that the Apostle’s public relations officer is really good at propaganda and by virtue of that, is dragging this issue farther than is necessary. But then, that’s what Nigerians love. We love revelling in gist. Especially where somebody’s reputation is at risk. The Apostle probably planned this thing with the lady sef, just to entertain you guys, or win souls over to the church, because low key, this has strengthened some people’s faith in Omega Fire Ministries, and you can be sure some extra money is rolling in. On the one billion naira issue though, Apostle needs to calm down, in order not to appear to be starting a blackmail of his own. Nobody in West Africa would give you that much for dragging your name in the mud. Look at our “Jona” for example, we humiliated that man, made nasty memes of him, rubbished him on Twitter, and yet, not a kobo was paid to his account as per damages. He didn’t even bring an action. That’s a man who understands the dynamics of his people. It didn’t matter to him what we did to him and his Dame, he took it in good stride because he already got what he wanted. So, Apostle sir, kindly take a cue, and drop the matter. 

    In other news, the eighth instalment in the Fast and Furious has dropped in Nigeria. Just in time for the semester break. So, enjoy! If I were you though, I’d wait two weeks so I can go with my docket and pay #500 at Ozone for the same experience. 

     By the way, is it true that Baba now works from home??
Written by Mayowa Akinyemi
Published by Great Opara


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Hi there. I’m Ignis. I welcome you to another serving of twisted versions of “gist” “as e dey hot”. Let me just
briefly introduce what’s on the menu for today. I know at least 60% of you don’t know the meaning of the topic
for today. That’s to show that you need more time on the Thesaurus than on your snapchat. Hopefully, you can
grasp the message from the writeup. If you’re still waiting for an intro, you just missed it.

Okay, so, the business of today. About a week ago, precisely Sunday, I heard some rather disturbing news of
someone who jumped off the Third Mainland Bridge. It wasn’t disturbing because it was a suicide, as you all
know that’s not my business. One less depressed person on the same traffic lane with me. But it was disturbing
because I keep hearing people talking about suicide and self destruction and such things like it’s supposed to be
a solution to a certain problem. I mean take for example people who go about cutting themselves and hurting
themselves because someone called them “fat” or “ugly“. Ogbeni till today, there’s someone that still calls me
kebab” because of my legs. And I didn’t die. And I wouldn’t die. Not because of that. Now, let me just ask you
this, what could be so wrong with you that you would want to kill yourself?? Recession? Poor grades? Lost your
virginity (any how that happened)? Lost a job? You’re not alone! I’m sorry but I can’t relate to someone taking
their own life because they had some “serious” problem. Did you know that to every problem lies a variety of
solutions excluding suicide?? It’s like some people don’t know how hard it is for a person to let go of his life.
Even if you haven’t seen it happen to a person (like I have), try killing an animal and see how it is. Don’t worry, in
this part of the world, there are no rules prohibiting you from killing an animal at your discretion.

Back to the
suicide issue, I still am yet to see that problem that only death can solve. I mean, taking your own life is just
cowardly. Giving up just like that. Leaving so many people behind with burdens of grief, serious pain, some guilt,
and maybe even starting another chain of suicides. If you feel you’re going through one phase that nobody has
ever been through, or one phase that’s too much to bear, please, go see a therapist, or white garment “alagba”.
But then, some people don’t even want to hear any advice because they’ve made up their minds that taking their
life is the ultimate solution. Well, everything boils down to choice. If what you want is to end your life, feel free.
Leave the struggle for the rest of us that don’t know where the throat is. Or those of us that are totally happy and
without problems. Leave us here, and go on to that place where you (think you) will have rest.

It’s alright. I mean
who am I to judge? We’re all low key committing suicide somehow. Yes. Doing a course that’s probably not
meant for us. Paying for BQ through our noses. Trying to look rich without necessarily having any bar. It is slow,
but steady suicide. Even I writing this, am committing a form of suicide because some people will read my stuff
and slam me for being insensitive. To quote a certain Law lecturer, “Sorry about that“. Like I always say, this
Lounge permits very little show of any sensitivity. I’m supposed to be blunt, and unapologetically so.

Suicide, as aforementioned, is a thing of choice. It is also a demonic something, but, what do I know about
spirituality? Probably very little. But I know this: there are two solutions to every problem in life. The physical
(therapy), and spiritual (holy cane). However, where there is a case of someone who would rather just give it all
up instead of giving their all, hanging down from something instead of just hanging in, please, and please, leave
such a person be. Such has made his mind up. It is advisable not to feed or clothe such a person though. Things
are now so costly abeg. Make sure they have no Internet access. Shey, they want to die abi? And most
importantly, do not give them a notepad and pen, because they’ll just write a couple of words (ultimately
insulting your intelligence, and ability to have a more positive impact on their life, low key subbing you for being
one of the reasons they have to kill themselves) and call it suicide note.

I think I’ve already written enough to make my point. Anything more than this and I’ll be labelled a maniac. So,
plix, on this note, I rest my case.
I’ve done what I can. It just isn’t worth it anymore. I wish I could go on, but I can’t. Please don’t cry for me. And don’t feel guilty either. It is not your fault. It’s just me. I’m sorry, but this is the best way. Goodbye.“- my Land law

By the way, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I feel like the case of the girl that died after returning “from
seeing man
” was not properly reported in the newspapers. And I wonder if the man had anything to do with it?

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi


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Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.“- Martin Luther King Jnr (at least I saw his pic against the
quote). Also, “Justice will not be served until those unaffected by it are as outraged as those affected” – Guy on
the hundred dollar bill.

Hi. It’s me again. Welcome to what I hope will stir you a little. I was just on my own using WiFi to check my IG
when I happened upon a picture of a woman who looked like she just got a mad tattoo, as in Michael Scofield
kind of tattoo. Upon closer look, and a glance at the comments, I realized it was marks from a serious beating, a
beating that was aptly delivered by our friends in khakis. First thing that came to mind is how she’s still alive, and
why she was beaten. Now, the answer to latter is quite funny. The woman challenged a soldier for having
slapped her brother – which she had the right to, but as we know, the inconsistent nature of our judicial system
doesn’t cater to certain things. I mean, the law enforcement people have better things to do with their time.

Now, now, my question is this: what kind of Nigerian person challenges a military officer for anything?? These
guys have unlimited power! If they don’t like your face, they can beat it into shape, and you can’t do anything.
They have absolute power. They’re the only guys that can assault you mentally and of course otherwise, and
nothing happens. So, I wonder why we think taking pictures, sharing on Facebook, and retweeting will change
the status quo. Look at the other disabled guy they beat, didn’t they still smile with him later on? The only real
reason they’d do that is because they love you. Just like your parents after they punish you and still smile with
you later on. It doesn’t mean they won’t still slap you within the hour. It’s just the way life is. So, this scenario is
like challenging your parents for slapping you, or one of your siblings. Are you high?? You’re only setting yourself
up for a beat down. And you’d eventually spite yourself for doing “over sabi” because low key, the only thing this
woman gained from standing up for her brother was internet infamy and scars that will only remind her that
some fights are not yours. Unfortunately, she’s had to learn her lesson the hard way. You don’t hit the tiger for
being a beast, you steer clear of it! Otherwise, you pay dearly, like a certain English soccer team after Tuesday
last week. I’m not saying that you should not stand up for the rights you think you’re entitled to as a “bloody
civilian”, I’m saying when you do so, you should be ready to bear the consequences. And this also applies to
people who publish open letters without anonymity, because if and when you’re caught, you’ll be beaten like
butter. I’ve said my own. A word is enough. But because some are not wise, I’ve taken the pain to write a
thousand to sensitize us not only to the need for a restructuring of the system that should be enforcing our
rights, but also, the need to mind our own damn business. Thank you.

I guess I’m done for this episode. Some people probably think I’m crazy for this. Well…. I’m only trying to
protect your best interests. Till next time, I’ve been Ignis, and thanks for dropping by.
By the way, if you have not collected bread from your local government, you’re on a long thing oh!

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

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Posted by on March 18, 2017 in Columns, The Wild Lounge


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Hi, and welcome to the Lounge. I hope you enjoyed your stay the last time around? Well, if you didn’t,I
recommend that you start therapy, or whatever they call these sessions where you go to have your brain
examined, God, I can’t remember what it’s called……wait, what was that?…Oh, yes, counselling.I remember.It
really helps,I guess. And as a matter of fact, that’s what I’m here to discuss.

I saw a BC this week. I’m assuming you all are up to speed with it by now. I don’t quite remember the message,
but I remember something about of you have academic brain death, or you’re on a 1.5 CGPA or less, or if you
wrote a certain test on Tuesday, (I can’t tell you what course, but it rhymes with “iniquity”), then you should report
to the counselling unit ASAP. Now, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear this, is that, maybe the
institution is trying to gather the academically less privileged all in one place, and blow them up, so that they
won’t tarnish the school’s image as the “University of first choice and nation’s pride“, or maybe they want to
create a union for them, and isolate them from the rest of society, as we all know that the only way to succeed in
life is to have a University degree with honours. Or who do you know in Nigeria or elsewhere that became
successful without graduating with honours? Mention names if you dare.

Anyways, before I lose focus, I was
talking about the University rescue programme. So a friend of mine thinks the school is doing this to try and
provide a solution to a “problem” it created. But honestly, I don’t see a problem here. The University over
admitted students into the system, despite knowing that it doesn’t have the right facilities and environment to
provide excellent education for such a large number, so? It’s called business. So, who are you (or I) to
complain? Who doesn’t like profit? Should you even complain knowing full well that your school fees is roughly
fifteen grand?? Nonsense. When something is cheap, people rush it, so if the quality is poor, why should you
blame anyone but yourself? You paid for this! My only question is what exactly does the Counselling unit want to
do for students with dire academic issues that cannot be done in the classroom? Oh, I know. They’ll begin to
advice you on how to draw a personal time table, try to balance your social life with your curricular activities, how to control your intake of drugs, and spend more time in the library, because it is by doing all these things
that you will have good grades. So, what happens when a student does all this, and still doesn’t get desirable
grades? Maybe such is a blockhead and has no business being in school. Or maybe what the counselling unit is
trying to do is to organise a seminar in which academically challenged students can obtain free JAMB forms so
as to participate in the next UTME, or maybe the school is trying to provide a platform on which the challenged
students can obtain a different degree from other students and still compete favourably with their peers in the
future, because as we all know, the school is working hard to make sure that all its students become something
in life, it’s not like they’re so bothered with your school fees (Amean, what’s 15k multiplied by all the students?).

The school only wants the best for us, trust me, there’s no other reason ASUU would strike for six months. These
people were fighting for their right to teach! Anyway, that’s talk for another day.
I really should get going now, I want to check my academic profile to know where I stand. And you should too
because if you don’t, and your CGPA falls under 1.50, and you don’t grab this opportunity, the next withdrawal
your parents will be making won’t be at the bank. On this note, good bye folks. Till next time.

By the way, I think the name of Ed Sheeran’s new album will be another sign from BODMAS. I also think
Olamide will soon release his version of “Bad and Boujee” seeing as he did a commendable job with “Panda“.
Just saying..

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara


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Hi there! Welcome to the Wild Lounge. Before going any further, a brief introduction
of what you’re about to get into, so you can fully grasp what we’re about.

The Wild Lounge is not by any measure, your average lounge where drinks, and
chops are served. No. What we serve here is ice cold sarcasm. Yes we ridicule societal
vices and defects here. So, now that you’re acquainted with what it is we do here, let’s
progress to the business of today. Oh, by the way, my name is Ignis, and I’ll be your host
for this episode and subsequent ones too.

Today, let’s talk about the electricity supply (or lack thereof) and hike in price of
everything in our “dear” country, Nigeria. Now, my parents once told me that in the
distant past, Nigeria was a land flowing with milk and honey, there was an excellent
economy, electricity was top notch, and there was really no need to travel. Apparently,
that was a very distant past. Now, things have CHANGED. And it’s all for good. I mean,
what kind of insane government provides its people with constant electricity?? Does it
make sense? The other day, my cousin (who lives in some white man’s land) told me
there was a serious storm that later led to power outage for two hours and he said there
was a consequent ruckus. And I was just shaking my head like “Two hours??” and it’s
not like it happens that way all the time. The Western world is indeed demented. Having
such an outrageous supply of electricity?? Nonsense. Who does that?? Here in Nigeria,
we set the pace, oh how I love this beautiful country. Whenever, PHCN gives us light for
up to eighteen out of twenty four hours, we complain to them that it’s too much, because
it really doesn’t make sense. It’s unfair. If one part of Lagos for example has electricity
supply for eighteen hours, what about the other part?? We have to be rational, so the
light can go round. If we have too much light, it’s bad actually. It makes us start to live,
think, and behave like the whites, and we shouldn’t allow that, because we’re made of
black. And we only need just a little amount of light to live. What do we even need light
for? Pressing clothes, charging phones, and watching Premier/Champions League?? If
we hadn’t let the British in, we wouldn’t need all that, and we’d be fine. After all, nobody
colonised Britain. Who knows maybe we’d have colonised some other country? Anyway,
back to the issue of electricity, I respect the Nigerian government under the past few
leaders for trying to ensure that nobody ever has light for more than four to five hours a
day, and in some cases, a month. It’s helped us to focus more on our best gift,
importation (of generators, amongst others). And this directly or indirectly brings us to
the next point.

If you’ve lived in Nigeria as long as I have, you’d have realized that something very
wrong has been happening in the area of the cost of things. Take for example, coaster
biscuits. In my very much younger days, you could buy like four sachets for just #5, the
same way you could buy gala for #50, I mean the fat gala with actual beef in it. Now,
why in the world would you buy that fat thing for #50, are you on drugs?? Thank God for
our leaders who took it upon themselves to start hiding huge sums of money in their
pipes, cupboards, and so on, so that the value of the naira can further drop and then we
can truly appreciate the value of the things we buy (and stop buying them anyhow). And
the effect of this “dollar cost” trust me, it’s really been humbling. Normally, I was the kind
of person who’d buy a Pepsi with almost anything. Even with sweet. But, I recently discovered sachet water (due to the economic “situation”). I also discovered that there is
more power in your “Legzus” than in Uber Select. And also if you really look at it, 1.5gb of
data makes a whole lot more sense than 3.5gb. We really do have our leaders to thank
for such an achievement. What I don’t now understand is the rumours that some Two faced celebrity wanted to protest against the affairs of Nigeria. As if it’s not been the
norm. I don’t blame him though, I assume he did it in all Innocence.
Honestly, I would’ve loved to go on and on, but my battery wouldn’t let me, and we’re
only due for light in 24 hours. But until then, I have to go and join my “fellow Americans”
in protesting against the building of the Mexican wall, because once it’s built, Nigeria will
Plix, one last thing, What do you call a vacation that is taken as a break from

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

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Posted by on February 24, 2017 in Columns, The Wild Lounge


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