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THE WILD LOUNGE – KAMIKAZE

Hi there. I’m Ignis. I welcome you to another serving of twisted versions of “gist” “as e dey hot”. Let me just
briefly introduce what’s on the menu for today. I know at least 60% of you don’t know the meaning of the topic
for today. That’s to show that you need more time on the Thesaurus than on your snapchat. Hopefully, you can
grasp the message from the writeup. If you’re still waiting for an intro, you just missed it.

Okay, so, the business of today. About a week ago, precisely Sunday, I heard some rather disturbing news of
someone who jumped off the Third Mainland Bridge. It wasn’t disturbing because it was a suicide, as you all
know that’s not my business. One less depressed person on the same traffic lane with me. But it was disturbing
because I keep hearing people talking about suicide and self destruction and such things like it’s supposed to be
a solution to a certain problem. I mean take for example people who go about cutting themselves and hurting
themselves because someone called them “fat” or “ugly“. Ogbeni till today, there’s someone that still calls me
kebab” because of my legs. And I didn’t die. And I wouldn’t die. Not because of that. Now, let me just ask you
this, what could be so wrong with you that you would want to kill yourself?? Recession? Poor grades? Lost your
virginity (any how that happened)? Lost a job? You’re not alone! I’m sorry but I can’t relate to someone taking
their own life because they had some “serious” problem. Did you know that to every problem lies a variety of
solutions excluding suicide?? It’s like some people don’t know how hard it is for a person to let go of his life.
Even if you haven’t seen it happen to a person (like I have), try killing an animal and see how it is. Don’t worry, in
this part of the world, there are no rules prohibiting you from killing an animal at your discretion.

Back to the
suicide issue, I still am yet to see that problem that only death can solve. I mean, taking your own life is just
cowardly. Giving up just like that. Leaving so many people behind with burdens of grief, serious pain, some guilt,
and maybe even starting another chain of suicides. If you feel you’re going through one phase that nobody has
ever been through, or one phase that’s too much to bear, please, go see a therapist, or white garment “alagba”.
But then, some people don’t even want to hear any advice because they’ve made up their minds that taking their
life is the ultimate solution. Well, everything boils down to choice. If what you want is to end your life, feel free.
Leave the struggle for the rest of us that don’t know where the throat is. Or those of us that are totally happy and
without problems. Leave us here, and go on to that place where you (think you) will have rest.

It’s alright. I mean
who am I to judge? We’re all low key committing suicide somehow. Yes. Doing a course that’s probably not
meant for us. Paying for BQ through our noses. Trying to look rich without necessarily having any bar. It is slow,
but steady suicide. Even I writing this, am committing a form of suicide because some people will read my stuff
and slam me for being insensitive. To quote a certain Law lecturer, “Sorry about that“. Like I always say, this
Lounge permits very little show of any sensitivity. I’m supposed to be blunt, and unapologetically so.

Suicide, as aforementioned, is a thing of choice. It is also a demonic something, but, what do I know about
spirituality? Probably very little. But I know this: there are two solutions to every problem in life. The physical
(therapy), and spiritual (holy cane). However, where there is a case of someone who would rather just give it all
up instead of giving their all, hanging down from something instead of just hanging in, please, and please, leave
such a person be. Such has made his mind up. It is advisable not to feed or clothe such a person though. Things
are now so costly abeg. Make sure they have no Internet access. Shey, they want to die abi? And most
importantly, do not give them a notepad and pen, because they’ll just write a couple of words (ultimately
insulting your intelligence, and ability to have a more positive impact on their life, low key subbing you for being
one of the reasons they have to kill themselves) and call it suicide note.

I think I’ve already written enough to make my point. Anything more than this and I’ll be labelled a maniac. So,
plix, on this note, I rest my case.
I’ve done what I can. It just isn’t worth it anymore. I wish I could go on, but I can’t. Please don’t cry for me. And don’t feel guilty either. It is not your fault. It’s just me. I’m sorry, but this is the best way. Goodbye.“- my Land law
textbook.

By the way, I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but I feel like the case of the girl that died after returning “from
seeing man
” was not properly reported in the newspapers. And I wonder if the man had anything to do with it?

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

 
 

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THE WILD LOUNGE – CAMOUFLAGED JUSTICE

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.“- Martin Luther King Jnr (at least I saw his pic against the
quote). Also, “Justice will not be served until those unaffected by it are as outraged as those affected” – Guy on
the hundred dollar bill.

Hi. It’s me again. Welcome to what I hope will stir you a little. I was just on my own using WiFi to check my IG
when I happened upon a picture of a woman who looked like she just got a mad tattoo, as in Michael Scofield
kind of tattoo. Upon closer look, and a glance at the comments, I realized it was marks from a serious beating, a
beating that was aptly delivered by our friends in khakis. First thing that came to mind is how she’s still alive, and
why she was beaten. Now, the answer to latter is quite funny. The woman challenged a soldier for having
slapped her brother – which she had the right to, but as we know, the inconsistent nature of our judicial system
doesn’t cater to certain things. I mean, the law enforcement people have better things to do with their time.

Now, now, my question is this: what kind of Nigerian person challenges a military officer for anything?? These
guys have unlimited power! If they don’t like your face, they can beat it into shape, and you can’t do anything.
They have absolute power. They’re the only guys that can assault you mentally and of course otherwise, and
nothing happens. So, I wonder why we think taking pictures, sharing on Facebook, and retweeting will change
the status quo. Look at the other disabled guy they beat, didn’t they still smile with him later on? The only real
reason they’d do that is because they love you. Just like your parents after they punish you and still smile with
you later on. It doesn’t mean they won’t still slap you within the hour. It’s just the way life is. So, this scenario is
like challenging your parents for slapping you, or one of your siblings. Are you high?? You’re only setting yourself
up for a beat down. And you’d eventually spite yourself for doing “over sabi” because low key, the only thing this
woman gained from standing up for her brother was internet infamy and scars that will only remind her that
some fights are not yours. Unfortunately, she’s had to learn her lesson the hard way. You don’t hit the tiger for
being a beast, you steer clear of it! Otherwise, you pay dearly, like a certain English soccer team after Tuesday
last week. I’m not saying that you should not stand up for the rights you think you’re entitled to as a “bloody
civilian”, I’m saying when you do so, you should be ready to bear the consequences. And this also applies to
people who publish open letters without anonymity, because if and when you’re caught, you’ll be beaten like
butter. I’ve said my own. A word is enough. But because some are not wise, I’ve taken the pain to write a
thousand to sensitize us not only to the need for a restructuring of the system that should be enforcing our
rights, but also, the need to mind our own damn business. Thank you.

I guess I’m done for this episode. Some people probably think I’m crazy for this. Well…. I’m only trying to
protect your best interests. Till next time, I’ve been Ignis, and thanks for dropping by.
By the way, if you have not collected bread from your local government, you’re on a long thing oh!

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

 
1 Comment

Posted by on March 18, 2017 in Columns, The Wild Lounge

 

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A RESCUE MISSION

Hi, and welcome to the Lounge. I hope you enjoyed your stay the last time around? Well, if you didn’t,I
recommend that you start therapy, or whatever they call these sessions where you go to have your brain
examined, God, I can’t remember what it’s called……wait, what was that?…Oh, yes, counselling.I remember.It
really helps,I guess. And as a matter of fact, that’s what I’m here to discuss.

I saw a BC this week. I’m assuming you all are up to speed with it by now. I don’t quite remember the message,
but I remember something about of you have academic brain death, or you’re on a 1.5 CGPA or less, or if you
wrote a certain test on Tuesday, (I can’t tell you what course, but it rhymes with “iniquity”), then you should report
to the counselling unit ASAP. Now, the first thing that comes to mind when I hear this, is that, maybe the
institution is trying to gather the academically less privileged all in one place, and blow them up, so that they
won’t tarnish the school’s image as the “University of first choice and nation’s pride“, or maybe they want to
create a union for them, and isolate them from the rest of society, as we all know that the only way to succeed in
life is to have a University degree with honours. Or who do you know in Nigeria or elsewhere that became
successful without graduating with honours? Mention names if you dare.

Anyways, before I lose focus, I was
talking about the University rescue programme. So a friend of mine thinks the school is doing this to try and
provide a solution to a “problem” it created. But honestly, I don’t see a problem here. The University over
admitted students into the system, despite knowing that it doesn’t have the right facilities and environment to
provide excellent education for such a large number, so? It’s called business. So, who are you (or I) to
complain? Who doesn’t like profit? Should you even complain knowing full well that your school fees is roughly
fifteen grand?? Nonsense. When something is cheap, people rush it, so if the quality is poor, why should you
blame anyone but yourself? You paid for this! My only question is what exactly does the Counselling unit want to
do for students with dire academic issues that cannot be done in the classroom? Oh, I know. They’ll begin to
advice you on how to draw a personal time table, try to balance your social life with your curricular activities, how to control your intake of drugs, and spend more time in the library, because it is by doing all these things
that you will have good grades. So, what happens when a student does all this, and still doesn’t get desirable
grades? Maybe such is a blockhead and has no business being in school. Or maybe what the counselling unit is
trying to do is to organise a seminar in which academically challenged students can obtain free JAMB forms so
as to participate in the next UTME, or maybe the school is trying to provide a platform on which the challenged
students can obtain a different degree from other students and still compete favourably with their peers in the
future, because as we all know, the school is working hard to make sure that all its students become something
in life, it’s not like they’re so bothered with your school fees (Amean, what’s 15k multiplied by all the students?).

The school only wants the best for us, trust me, there’s no other reason ASUU would strike for six months. These
people were fighting for their right to teach! Anyway, that’s talk for another day.
I really should get going now, I want to check my academic profile to know where I stand. And you should too
because if you don’t, and your CGPA falls under 1.50, and you don’t grab this opportunity, the next withdrawal
your parents will be making won’t be at the bank. On this note, good bye folks. Till next time.

By the way, I think the name of Ed Sheeran’s new album will be another sign from BODMAS. I also think
Olamide will soon release his version of “Bad and Boujee” seeing as he did a commendable job with “Panda“.
Just saying..

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

 
 

Tags: , ,

THE WILD LOUNGE

Hi there! Welcome to the Wild Lounge. Before going any further, a brief introduction
of what you’re about to get into, so you can fully grasp what we’re about.

The Wild Lounge is not by any measure, your average lounge where drinks, and
chops are served. No. What we serve here is ice cold sarcasm. Yes we ridicule societal
vices and defects here. So, now that you’re acquainted with what it is we do here, let’s
progress to the business of today. Oh, by the way, my name is Ignis, and I’ll be your host
for this episode and subsequent ones too.

Today, let’s talk about the electricity supply (or lack thereof) and hike in price of
everything in our “dear” country, Nigeria. Now, my parents once told me that in the
distant past, Nigeria was a land flowing with milk and honey, there was an excellent
economy, electricity was top notch, and there was really no need to travel. Apparently,
that was a very distant past. Now, things have CHANGED. And it’s all for good. I mean,
what kind of insane government provides its people with constant electricity?? Does it
make sense? The other day, my cousin (who lives in some white man’s land) told me
there was a serious storm that later led to power outage for two hours and he said there
was a consequent ruckus. And I was just shaking my head like “Two hours??” and it’s
not like it happens that way all the time. The Western world is indeed demented. Having
such an outrageous supply of electricity?? Nonsense. Who does that?? Here in Nigeria,
we set the pace, oh how I love this beautiful country. Whenever, PHCN gives us light for
up to eighteen out of twenty four hours, we complain to them that it’s too much, because
it really doesn’t make sense. It’s unfair. If one part of Lagos for example has electricity
supply for eighteen hours, what about the other part?? We have to be rational, so the
light can go round. If we have too much light, it’s bad actually. It makes us start to live,
think, and behave like the whites, and we shouldn’t allow that, because we’re made of
black. And we only need just a little amount of light to live. What do we even need light
for? Pressing clothes, charging phones, and watching Premier/Champions League?? If
we hadn’t let the British in, we wouldn’t need all that, and we’d be fine. After all, nobody
colonised Britain. Who knows maybe we’d have colonised some other country? Anyway,
back to the issue of electricity, I respect the Nigerian government under the past few
leaders for trying to ensure that nobody ever has light for more than four to five hours a
day, and in some cases, a month. It’s helped us to focus more on our best gift,
importation (of generators, amongst others). And this directly or indirectly brings us to
the next point.

If you’ve lived in Nigeria as long as I have, you’d have realized that something very
wrong has been happening in the area of the cost of things. Take for example, coaster
biscuits. In my very much younger days, you could buy like four sachets for just #5, the
same way you could buy gala for #50, I mean the fat gala with actual beef in it. Now,
why in the world would you buy that fat thing for #50, are you on drugs?? Thank God for
our leaders who took it upon themselves to start hiding huge sums of money in their
pipes, cupboards, and so on, so that the value of the naira can further drop and then we
can truly appreciate the value of the things we buy (and stop buying them anyhow). And
the effect of this “dollar cost” trust me, it’s really been humbling. Normally, I was the kind
of person who’d buy a Pepsi with almost anything. Even with sweet. But, I recently discovered sachet water (due to the economic “situation”). I also discovered that there is
more power in your “Legzus” than in Uber Select. And also if you really look at it, 1.5gb of
data makes a whole lot more sense than 3.5gb. We really do have our leaders to thank
for such an achievement. What I don’t now understand is the rumours that some Two faced celebrity wanted to protest against the affairs of Nigeria. As if it’s not been the
norm. I don’t blame him though, I assume he did it in all Innocence.
Honestly, I would’ve loved to go on and on, but my battery wouldn’t let me, and we’re
only due for light in 24 hours. But until then, I have to go and join my “fellow Americans”
in protesting against the building of the Mexican wall, because once it’s built, Nigeria will
collapse.
Plix, one last thing, What do you call a vacation that is taken as a break from
vacation??

Written By Mayowa Akinyemi

Published By Great Opara

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 24, 2017 in Columns, The Wild Lounge

 

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